I have a friend (RL) who is somewhat of a Luddite. He has no knowledge of computers. He isn't a dumb man, he just seems to have no desire to incorporate computers into his skill set. He reads a newspaper, he sends letters in envelopes with stamps and he stops at gas stations when he needs directions. That sounds like an odd life, but it is actually how everyone was living prior to computers becoming predominant in our lives. Kids today are practically born with a phone in their hands, and take to things like SL instinctively. Others, myself included, run into various bumps in the road as we negotiate the Land of Linden.
We were all new to SL once. You should have seen me when I was new. I was inept. I'd walk into walls, I couldn't dress myself, I was unable to sit on pose balls and I had no idea what things like Preferences, Inventory, Folders, and AOs were. There were similarly steep learning curves as I picked up hobbies, adopted mesh (I still think mesh is a scam), and interacted with people from different states and countries. I found my niche eventually- most of us do- but I always keep in mind how enormous and unknowable SL was to me when I was just starting out. I try in particular to remember it when I perv a profile at a sim I am at and see "Joined Today" in it.
One of my side jobs is Director of Scouting for a sports sim called Divas. Part of my job is helping to train new girls, to get them ready for the public shows which financially butter the bread for Divas. Almost all of the new girls are very nervous about performing in public, and I always tell them the same thing. "Every person in that audience was new once, they remember how it was, and they won't bat an eye at any mishaps or screw-ups you might walk into."
When I was just days old, I wandered into a strip bar. It was very dead there when I arrived, and the strippers were more conversational than they are when there are 20 men in the club, grabbing for their thighs. They figured out I was a noob ("noob" is short for "newbie," which is short for "someone who just started SL") even before looking at my profile. These were strippers, and some people think of strippers as evil deviants and temptresses, but they were also kind, helpful, and sympathetic. Four of them gathered around me, some spare merchandise/inventory was handed over and instructions were given. Their patience was remarkable, especially when I was too new to have money to tip them with. When they were done with me, I basically looked, in a 2008 way, the way I look now. I was still an SL klutz and totally ignorant, but I looked good, and that truly is half of the battle.
That was many moons ago, and I hop around SL effortlessly now. I'm hot as f*ck, I have a zillion cool dresses, I have a high-profile media job with an industry leader and I just sort of surf wherever the SL wave pushes me. I'm steppin' high and laughing easy. It's all good... but whenever I see a noob, I immediately think of those kind strippers who took pity on a dummy in a polka dot dress who fell off of the edge of the sim while they were talking to me.
I don't think I'm keeping anything from Lanai, who is the SL Enquirer founder and my boss when I tell you all that I really don't look at the SL Enquirer Staff Assignment Log all that much. I'm eccentric, and usually, just wing my stories for you from whatever misadventures I get into while doing my thing. The SL Enquirer may have an office and it may not... but if it does, I have no idea where it is. I have an aversion to offices and office-type things like Staff Assignment Logs. If I have writer's block, however, I'll look in on the Log now and then. I did so today. I was thinking of those kind strippers when I jumped at the "Interview A New Avatar" article request in the SL Enquirer Staff Assignment Log.
I needed to find myself a talkative Noob. I actually had no idea how to get back to the safe hub that all noobs are sent to when they start SL. I don't have any alts, and I was too ignorant to recall how I made my current av, so making a noob and going to the default safe hub that way was out of the question. The only way I know to get there is to get kicked out of another sim by an auto-eject, like when you think you are going to a shoe store you liked in 2014, but it is now someone's house and you get the boot like Italy. I checked my landmarks, and whoever got me to try out SL was smart enough to tell me "Save the landmarks." I had the safe hub landmarked. Off we go, to find a new person who speaks English.
(Stacey hunts for a while, cheats a bit...)
I met Lynne after failing to be able to communicate with a few Germans and getting denied by a few Americans who thought I was running a scam. Lynne was from Massachusetts, just like me, so I liked her instantly. Noobs now get better avs than I had access to back in the day- if you are good at spotting noobs, she's the 2021 Pretty Ginger model, with the bonnet. She is the model we used for this article's pictures. I threw her a few bucks for it and gave her a bunch of stuff. She was cool enough to chat with me for a while and allow the chat log to go to the SL Enquirer.
Here goes...
STACEY: Welcome to Second Life, and thank you for agreeing to the interview.
LYNNE: It's my pleasure. I didn't think the first thing I'd do here is get interviewed.
S: I get 'em right off the boat.... so, what made you come to SL?
L: I used to play video games many years ago, and Second Life looked similar. I was curious to see how 15 years would affect the graphics and gameplay. I also was attracted to the social aspects.
S: You're just in the Safe Hub, most of SL is more impressive. I know you've only been on SL for a half hour or so, but how do you like it so far?
L: It looks very good. So do you. You're spectacular.
S: You speak words of Truth.
L: I move around pretty well. I prefer a keyboard to a Playstation controller.
S: Are you on a laptop or a desktop?
L: Desktop. Does that matter?
S: Older laptops can lag a bit. I freeze up all the time on my laptop, but it's from the Atari era.
L: So far so good for me.
S: What are you looking to do on SL?
L: A lot of exploration. I want to learn how to do all of the simple stuff, then do some shopping. Once I'm comfortable with Second Life, maybe indulge a few interests.
S: Freebies. I lived off them before I worked for the newspaper. Remind me when we're done, I'll give you some links that may or may not still be active.
L: Thanks.
S: Tell me as much Age and Location as you are comfortable sharing with our 40,000 readers. "Location" can be "Europe" if you don't want to share out too much.
L: US, Arizona, grew up in Massachusetts, we can say "over 30" if that's close enough.
S: I live in Massachusetts, near Plymouth.
L: I grew up in Worcester. I went to H*ly N*me.
S: We played them. If you have an older sister, I may have beaten her at tennis. She might have a grudge, so don't bring that up. I started SL in my 30s, got to about 40, and have been regressing two years at once since. I should be an adolescent by 2027 or so.
L: You're pretty short. If you dressed baggier, you could pass as a teenager.
S: Yes, I'm... curvy. You can play around with your shape some on this game.
L: You did well.
S: I've spent a half-hour adjusting my thigh muscles before, but I have a side job as a dancer, and legs sort of make the girl in that field.
L: You work as a dancer? Do you strip?
S: I'm asking the questions here, sister :)
L: lol
S: I will say that there is a Tipping/Stripping causality pattern in that occupation to which true professionals must adhere to.
L: I'm going to need a job, can you recommend a place to dance at?
(hands her a landmark)
S: Ask for a guy named Abdullah Da Butcher, tell him I sent you. He may make you wait 30 days, lose the noob avatar. I'll give you some stuff, speed the process up.
L: Is my body stripper ready?
S: I don't know if you read Winnie The Pooh much, but you may need Tigger Bits. It's not hard to do, perhaps too easy.
L: If everyone is as weird as you, I'm going to enjoy this game.
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