Every year I try to get an interview with Jolly ol’ St Nick but he has avoided me for the past two years. After hanging outside his cottage interrogating elves for hours with a homemade fruitcake in hand and apologizing out loud for what I had done, finally Santa let me in and forgave me for infiltrating his naughty list and disturbing the peace. He agreed to an interview under two simple condition… that I stop harassing him and I behave myself.
Lanai: Santa, again I’m sooo sorry for breaking into the North Pole compound and removing all my friends from your naughty list, including myself. I thought I was doing a good deed at the time. Also, I felt it was unfair to put me on the list again.
Santa:Lanai, ever since you were a child I’ve watched you prank people for cheap laughs and do crazy things that would have gotten you paddled well into your 20’s but I’ve always seen a glimmer of hope in you, usually when you were sleeping. But! Nonetheless, I appreciate the apology but you have to stop being a pain in the ass. After all, It’s Christmas time and everyone deserve a little something special for the holidays.Consider this your Christmas present.
Lanai: Oh ok thank you... I am very grateful for this opportunity. Here is a special gift I made just for you. Enjoy.
Santa: Oh A fruitcake! How umm sweet...
Lanai: *smiles like an angel* So Santa… every year has its trends for the holidays. What type of gifts will you be giving the good people of Second Life around the world?
Santa: Well, this year is a bit odd I must say. *takes a bite of his fruitcake* Mmmm this is actually pretty good!
Lanai: Thank you Santa. Believe me it gets better the more you eat. So why is this year odd?
Santa: Well it is election year so some of my requests were not actually gift requests for themselves. I keep getting asked to run for President. Something about I have better hair and I love everyone equally. I have a feeling there is a great deal of people worried about one of the candidates. But not to worry sweet child, if it is the one I am thinking, he’s at the top of my naughty list this year. Instead of giving out lumps of coal, I thought I would save the environment and collect deer berries this year to give as gifts to the naughty ones..
Lanai:Great idea. I still remember the steaming pile you left under my tree the one year....Anyway, glad to see you are going organic again this year. I think I have an idea who that candidate might be and I couldn’t agree more. But I’m not going to get into politics.
Santa: HO HO HO! that was funny and yea good idea.
Lanai: o.O. Aside from that request, what others things are people asking for this year?
Santa: I’ve gotten some request for hover boards but due to the recent recalls for fire hazards, I’ve decided to make skateboards instead. Others just want money or Doomsday shelters fully loaded, but I can’t afford that.
My protection insurance is high enough these days, along with my electric bill. With the implementation of air conditioner units in the reindeer stables and new snow-making machines around the North Pole, I am limited. This global warming thing is getting out of control!
Lanai: Absolutely! I live in Pa and we have had 60 degree weather around here for the past week. It feels strange hanging Christmas lights outside in a t shirt and breaking into a sweat. I am sure people around the world are witnessing strange weather as well. Do you have any advice on what we should do about this global crisis?
Santa: Well Lanai, I think we would all have to go back into the stone age or something. To lower emissions and clean up our environment, we all need to be more organic for our own health and more responsible about what we contribute to this environment crisis. For example, grow our own crops, use outhouses, bicycles, solar power and stop burning fossil fuel. Also, FFS! Stop all the harmful toxins that go into the air and the garbage that ends up in our oceans. It’s easy for us all to talk about but can we really all come together to save the planet?
*offers Lanai some fruitcake*
Lanai: *thinks* Ok this is getting depressing…. *reaches for some fruitcake*
Santa: I have to say this fruitcake is making me feel kind of funny… What did you put in this?
Lanai: Not to worry Santa, some of the ingredients are homegrown and legal in most states now. Anyways, I think it is great that you are thinking about our future and giving gifts that can help the environment.
Santa: Yes indeed but I have a confession to make.
Lanai: Oh? Do tell.
Santa: I’m not really Santa Claus. I am a M*****F******-ing Wizard!
Lanai: WTH?
Santa:WOW! Can’t you see all the psychedelic colors floating around? And my skin.. it feels so…. sensitive! *starts to removes his red suit*
Lanai: Noooooooo, I can never unsee this!
Santa: Watch this!
Lanai: OMG...
*Trying to avoid looking at his twig and holly berries, Lanai watches in horror as Santa stands on his chair and pretends to surf naked*
Santa: I have an idea! Let’s get on the roof and attempt to fly like a drone super reindeer!
Lanai: A wise friend once said, "This can only end well". Ya know Santa…. I think I should get going and please don’t mention I was here or where you got that fruitcake ok?
Santa: Wait! I need a co pilot to help me drop reindeer berries!
Lanai: There goes Christmas! I’m outta here….
Merry Christmas SLE Fans!
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