POLICE REPORT: BREAKING NEWS! Lanai's Encounter with Karen at Starbucks leads to charges

 

January 5, 2023- Lanai Jarrico was nearly arrested for disorderly conduct, simple assault, and battery with a rolled-up newspaper outside of Starbucks. 

Karen Smithstofferson, 45 of Honeysuckle Tart Estate filed a complaint while holding an ice pack over her eye and crying hysterically late Thursday afternoon claiming Lanai Jarrico attacked her with what she thought was a steel baseball bat for no reason. Karen also claimed she simply stopped by Starbucks after an exhausting shopping trip at Costco.  She asked for her usual nonfat venti Peppermint mocha Frappuccino Blended beverage, with no vanilla, Caramel Macchiato when Karen accused Lanai of shoving her resulting in a one-sided altercation. While Lanai stood there staring at her like she was an idiot.

Karen Immediately requested to speak to the manager while calling the police on speed dial.  The barista witnessed the entire interaction and immediately asked Karen to leave the premises. As she gathered her drink and headed for the door she turned to Lanai and called her a terrible journalist and held up her middle finger until she got outside. 

According to video footage, Lanai was practicing social distancing as she waited patiently for Karen to finish her rant before stepping up to the counter to order a hot chocolate and a vanilla almond biscotti.

Witnesses say Lanai was approached outside by a seething Karen who was seen pacing back and forth mumbling nonsense.  Lanai stood there for a moment just observing until Karen stepped into her personal space causing Lanai to swing a rolled-up newspaper knocking Karen out cold on the sidewalk.  

Within minutes police arrived on the scene to investigate the situation and interviewed  both women while administering first aid to Karen. 

 It was determined that with the rash of Karenism spreading like wildfire at various Starbucks, Walmarts, Costco, Target, Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, Walgreens, Taco Bells, Hobby Lobby, and numerous Hair and Nails Salons, it was well deserved. Lanai was let go with a warning while Karen was arrested for unlawful use of 911 for a non-emergency and fined 500L for littering when she spilled her drink on her way down to the pavement. Lanai was given a lifetime supply of Starbucks for her bravery and courage as well as her own personal booth complete with fresh flowers.

*This article is for entertainment purposes only. No Karens were hurt in the making of this article, just a slight dent in the rolled-up newspaper.

Share your Karen Stories in the comment box below!

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Ukraine vs Russia, Settled The Old Fashioned Way - Stacey Cardalines Reporting

 

"You can't do that, it is an act of depravity!"

"'Controversy creates cash.'"

You are a fly on the wall at a meeting of Show Managers for Divas Wrestling sim. In the interest of full disclosure, this reporter is a "Spokesmodel" at this sim. One of the managers, who may be a Spokesmodel with a newspaper job on the side, is proposing a particularly brutal main event for one of the Divas shows. Before we go further, we must explain a few things about wrestling on SL.

There are two kinds of SL wrestling. One is done with a hud, and is a sport/game. Two wrestlers use a hud to have an actual competition against each other. The Virtual Wrestling Alliance, who advertise with this paper, are this sort of league. While they may use some sort of plot contrivance, they are selling the sport more than the spectacle. I do not know if the wrestlers are paid by the league, paid by tips from the audience at shows, or not paid at all.

The other sort of wrestling is poseball wrestling, which is more of a Performance Art. The matches, while not fixed, are contrived, and the opponents cooperate rather than compete. There is a heavy emphasis on personality, conflict, good/bad girls and just making a scene. The wrestlers live off the tip money from the crowd, so whatever they do to draw attention to themselves is fair game. Divas Wrestling is this sort of wrestling.

Pro Wrestling in general is a sketchy business. Her roots lay in barnstorming carnival shows, the anything-that-draws-attention motif was in full effect as far back as when Grover Cleveland was the President and elements of it stretch back to the Dark Ages. When your show is two people fighting, you don't really need to waste as much money/time/effort on developing scripts or hiring gifted writers. You can be very ham-handed with the presentation.

Thusly, wrestling tends to have broad, easily understood storylines. The dastardly Mean Girl is fighting the adorable All American girl, stuff like that. Wrestlers can be cowboys, European royalty, cheerleaders, bikers, musclemen, axe murderers, surfers, college boys, cannibals, karate guys, etc... pretty much anything that can be painted with a broad stroke and understood by children.

One easy way to perform this task is the Ripped From The Headlines motif, where your storyline reflects some current news event. This motif is good because FOX or CNN or NBC News do the backstory for you, all you need to do after is provide the militia guy or the evil comic book heroine ripoff and your story pretty much writes itself. 

With that in mind, it was almost inevitable that, at some point in 2022, this (see below) meeting among wrestling show producers was going to happen:

"We need a main event that gets people riled up."

"I have one."

"Do tell..."

"It's ripped from the headlines."

"Aren't they all?"

"We get a Russian girl and a Ukrainian girl to fight."

"Huh?"

"It'll rule."

"You can't do that, it is an act of depravity."

"Controversy creates cash."

"Thousands of people are dying over there, we can't make light of it."

"The crowd will love it."

"Where would you even FIND a girl from Russia or the Ukraine?"

"I have a Ukraine t-shirt and shorts."

"You're French."

"Close enough."

"Where do you plan to get the Russian?"

"My friend Courtney, she does some model work for me with the SL Enquirer."

"She's from the Ukraine?"

"Gloucester, Massachusetts, USA."

(pause)

"We'll get her a Soviet Union gymnast outfit I saw at a store."

(second pause)

"She's blonde... she'll look Slavic."

"The idea that someone might be offended by this never popped into your head."

"I have a filter which blocks things like that."

"This idea has been terminated with extreme prejudice."

The road to the castle gates is not always the high road, and one has to step on a lot of nice people as they claw their way to the top. The person proposing the fight wasn't a monster. She was just ahead of the curve.

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SLE ARCHIVES 2015: Thanksgiving Interview with a Protesting Turkey- Lanai Jarrico Reporting…

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, so it is time for another Holiday Mascot Interview. I truly enjoy meeting these characters in Second Life because something unexpected always happens. Last time I interviewed a Thanksgiving mascots, it ended in an argument between a Pilgrim and Indian. This year I decided I would talk to a Turkey about his perspective, so I went to a breedable farm...

Lanai: Excuse me Mr Turkey, my name is Lanai from The SL Enquirer.  Do you have time for an interview?

Turkey: Ugh that newspaper? pfft. Anyway,  My name is Justin and get away from me! I’m not in a very trusting mood this time of year.

Lanai: Hey now!  Relax, Justin. I’m not here to hunt you for my table. I just want to talk to you about Thanksgiving.

Turkey: What’s to talk about? It is not my favorite holiday, neither is Christmas. You humans need to think about making healthier choices that do not involve us.

Lanai: But Turkey is very healthy. It is a valuable source of protein and is a good source of iron, zinc, potassium, and phosphorus in addition to vitamin B6 and niacin, which are both essential for the body's energy production. Don’t make me get all educational about it, but I understand why you’d disagree with sacrificing yourself for us. I just wanted to get your perspective on this holiday.

Turkey: Well from my perspective, it isn’t all about zinc, potassium, vitamin B6 and blah blah blah all that other stuff. It’s all about being choked, feathers being plucked, and having my neckbone shoved up my ass! Then, to finish me off with a golden brown crisp. Doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun does it?  If it were up to me, I would hunt down humans and stick them in the center of a table for my family to gather around and see how you like it, but we are herbivores. Besides that, you humans eat way too much junk food and would not be healthy to eat, even for a pig!

Lanai:That wasn’t very nice Justin.

Turkey: What’s not nice is the annual roundup of my fellow feathered fowls...Lanai

Lanai: I guess you have a point. So what do you suggest we use as our main staple for Thanksgiving ?

Turkey: If I really had a say. I would suggest that nice stocky Amaretto horse over there! Let me make my case for your brutal holiday.  You can make horse bacon, ribs, scrapple, pony sausage, rump roast, horse shoulder, horse rinds, jerky and  stew. Do I need to go on? Don’t get me started on the breedable dragons and meeroos if you can catch one.

By this time all the Breedable animals gathered around to listen in…

Horse: Hold on a second Justin there is such a thing as turkey bacon just saying!  Remember you have to live here with us so be careful what you tell this nosy reporter.

Meerroos: Wait. What?

Justin the Turkey: I will peck both of your eyeballs out. Mind your own business. The way you both populate Second Life, you outta be the ones hunted!

Horse: Don’t make me come over there Justin.

Meeroos: pfft. *scurries off*

Justin the Turkey: Oh yea ponyboy? I got one thing to say! *points at the horses*  Lady,take your pick. Each one is at least 2,400 pounds of meat!

Lanai: Wooooah. Wait a minute.

Horse: *gives Justin the hoof and gallops off into the stable*

Chicken: Keep me and my chicks out of this conversation. This is the one day of the year that we get a break, so CLUCK OFF!

Justin the Turkey: Easy there feathered friend!  What’s one more day? Let’s not mention Football season and all the damn chicken wings these humans consume.

Lanai: OK, this is getting out of hand.  Let me just clear the air before a riot breaks out on this farm. I am just here to talk about Thanksgiving from a Turkey’s perspective.

Unknown animal in the crowd: You picked the wrong farm lady!

Lanai: Is that so? *smirks*

In the meantime, Justin the Turkey and his flock gets into an argument with the Horses and chickens while Lanai quietly backs out of the barn and starts the turkey deep fryer.

It is clear that an interview with a Turkey was not the best idea, especially on a farm where other disgruntled animals live just awaiting for consumption. However you celebrate Thanksgiving  be thankful for the animals who unwillingly sacrificed themselves for you.

Happy Thanksgiving SLE Fans!

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INTERVIEW WITH EARL THE EASTER BUNNY- Lanai Jarrico Reporting…

 

BACK STORY:  Since the Avatar Anonymous meeting this past St. Patrick’s Day, Larry the Leprechaun has become a victim of relentless virtual glitter bombs, D*** in a box anonymous mailers and shunning by his peers.  Larry has not recovered his pot of gold and Mercedes, his stripper girlfriend still insists it wasn’t her.  According to neighbors, those two are heading for splitsville over Cupid rumors. One avie witnessed Mercedes ripping out Larry’s shamrock garden and hurling swear words in Gailic.

Last month was a doozy at the Avatar Anonymous members, It was my duty as a sponsor to pay Larry the Leprechaun a visit to make sure he was ok after his meltdown.  When I arrived at his place, he was crying hysterically in his garden and his girlfriend Mercedes was nowhere to be found. So I guess the love affair is all but over. After a brief conversation, Larry took off running into the woods so I left…I got better things to do like find out what the Easter Bunny is up to since his arrest. 

While getting media clearance, I could hear *Inmate 20475B, you have visitors* and a high pitched scream.

Lanai: OMG Earl is everything ok?l  I heard you got arrested with some serious charges and thought I’d pay you a visit.  What happened?? You were doing so well at the meetings, aside from the attack on Larry last week?

Earl the Easter Bunny: OMG look who it is….. that nosey SLE reporter. Are you stalking me? What do you want and NO! I’M NOT OK!  Get me out of this place! Larry must have some friends on the inside. You just saved me from an attack by Tammy the Toothfairy, I was about to be his… umm nevermind. *as his hands move behind him, covering his ruffled tail* 

Lanai: Hey! I’m here to help you. Easter is right around the corner and there isn’t enough time to find your replacement.  Listen, I will get you out of here if you cooperate with me. Where did you get the funding for your grass supply?

Earl the Easter Bunny: Snitches get stitches! I ain’t saying a word.

Lanai: Earl, you are looking at a lot of time here...You gotta give me some information that might help your case. Don’t worry whatever you say stays between us…

Earl the Easter Bunny: Are you a lawyer now Missssss Jarrico?

Lanai: No, but I’m the next best thing.  Earl, I’m going to give it to you straight. Did you steal Larry’s pot of gold so you can cop some grass? If you don’t come clean, I’m going to leave you here to deal with Tammy the Tooth Fairy.

Earl the Easter Bunny: OK! I confess. Mercedes and I are having an affair. I was helping her pack up Larry’s belongings and stumbled upon his gold in the closet so I stuffed my pockets but I didn’t take all of it! I used some of it to buy the grass and the rest I distributed in child support for all my kids. 

Lanai: Don’t you feel better telling the truth? I have to say that is pretty low of you to take Larry’s woman and his gold too. You need to get your eggs together.  Your actions will cause a holiday disaster. If I don’t get you out of here, Easter will be ruined.  

Earl the Easter Bunny: Just because I stole some gold and sold grass doesn’t make me less qualified to be the Easter Bunny. I’m sure you did some scandalous sh*t before. Don’t judge me.  While there are rumors going around about Uncle Sam and a few others,  allegedly Uncle Sam bought off people with cartons of e-cigarettes to be part of his militia to end Second Life of the bad seedy people. And The Arbor Day Treant tried to pass their seeds as pot seeds. Let me tell you, there are some scandalous mascots out there. I’m not the first and won’t be the last so please just get me out of here so I can go hide some easter eggs or something.

Lanai: Ohhhh sounds like I need to pay a visit to some other mascots… Thank you for the information Earl, you are such a snitch!

Lanai paid Earl’s bail and he was released from jail so he can now hide eggs for the little avie kids and Easter will go on without a hitch thanks to The SL Enquirer.

 Happy Easter!

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Unlucky St. Patrick’s Day- Interview with Larry the Leprechaun- Lanai Jarrico Reporting..

BACK STORY:

Mascot series. We met up with Larry, after an Avatar Anonymous meeting. He was kicked out for trying to attack several of the members. He’s dating a fairy stripper he met at a club named Mercedes.  Her crib gets robbed of all of Larry’s gold and now Larry is trying to find out who did it - only a handful of mascots knew about it. The Easter Bunny and Uncle Sam are suspects. Cupid couldn't have done it, he’s too busy trying to hook up with the CEO of SLE. Santa be on his own shit and Baby New year ain’t got time for that.

EPISODE 1- Unlucky St. Patrick’s Day- Interview with Larry the Leprechaun

Here’s something that will blow your mind…Did you know St. Patrick was actually kidnapped as a teen from Roman Britain and taken to Ireland as a slave. He wasn’t actually Irish but throughout his life until his death on March 17th, 461, he established churches, schools, and monasteries. Through the centuries there have been many legends surrounding St. Patrick. One of the most common is the legends he drove all the snakes out of Ireland and used a shamrock to explain the trinity.

St. Patrick’s day originated as a day of religious services and feasts. This holiday was brought to the United States by immigrants where it is a celebration of all things Irish, including annual parades. Today, St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday that is celebrated by many around the world, not just by the Irish culture. It has turned into an annual tradition for observers to eat, drink, wear green, and party with friends and family. 

In Second Life it is a different story…

We aren’t sure how Leprechauns and the idea of a pot of gold, getting lucky and even Lucky Charms; a children's cereal became a thing on St. Patrick’s Day, but in Second Life at an AA Meeting I came across Larry the Leprechaun and before I can even Introduce myself and start sharing my SL grievances with my peers, he got slapped hard by the Easter Bunny in front of everyone. 

(At an Avatar Anonymous meeting where a commotion erupts between Larry and the Easter Bunny)

Earl The Easter Bunny: *SLAP* Like Sweet Brown said… “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

The Spirit of Joan Rivers: Well shit! Get a hotel room for that.

Lanai: Woahhh What’s going on here?

Earl The Easter Bunny: This clown right here had it coming.  I’m only in this stupid meeting due to a court order but I’m no criminal!

Lanai: Well keep your paws to yourself, that was rude. So Larry,  Can I talk to you? *helps him off the ground after witnessing an attack from a fellow mascot.*

Larry the Leprechaun: *straightening out his jacket and dusts himself off as he stands back up to his feet and looks over* Who are you and how did you know my name?

Lanai: Hi my name is Lanai and I'm a reporter for SLE and “Larry”  is on your name tag?.... Me and everyone else couldn’t help but notice that slap you just received from the Easter Bunny. So why are you arguing with your peers at an AA Meeting?  Aren't you participating in these meetings to improve your self esteem and character as an upstanding Second Life avatar? Aside from that, it’s St. Patrick’s Day! Shouldn’t you be out protecting your pot of gold or something?

Larry the Lep: *looks down at his name tag and cusses ripping it off and tossing it on the ground* A reporter? That is all I need right now, no, I need the police! Someone stole my pot of gold from my girlfriend Mercedes’s house and I need to find it! I know it had to be one of these muppets in there. I will find out who did it! Damn it.

Lanai: Calm down... So when was the last time you saw Mercedes and your pot of gold?

Larry the Lep:* looks like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum as he jumps up and down* 

Calm down?!? Calm Down? That is me gold we are talking about lassy, me GOLD! The gold was at her place in her bedroom closet on Monday, I remember seeing the most beautiful glow coming from underneath the door, it was magnificent. I’m not sure why she isn’t at the meeting…

Bernie: It ain’t my business.

The spirit of Joan Rivers: Who gives a sh*t? F you and you , and him too.

Lanai: Joan… Be nice to your peers this meeting is supposed to empower. 

Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Where’s the peppermint creamer?

Spirit of Joan Rivers: Oh Shut up Nick!

 Lanai: There is a lot of pent up energy in this meeting today. We may have to switch to lavender tea… Look Larry, something sounds amiss. Do you know if Mercedes had anyone over in the past couple of days or did you tell anyone else about your stashed loot?

Bernie: Don’t mind me. I’m just chillin…

Spirit of Joan Rivers: F*ck off.

Larry the Lep: Bernie why are you even here?  Anyways…. What! My Mercedes?!?! She wouldn’t have anyone else over, she loves me, oh my lovely lassy, she is one for the pages of my heart I say.. NO she wouldn’t have anyone else over or tell anyone about me gold!

Bernie: Rude.

Lanai: Leave Bernie alone! This meeting is open to anyone going through viral meming and virtual world issues!  Mercedes. Her name sounds familiar….Wait.. Isn’t she that tooth fairy who got busted with glitter dust a year ago? The one that works at “The Burnt Mushroom” Strip Club on the east side? If that’s the one… it sounds like Mercedes was a gold digger and had a serious addiction. Anyways. I remember a conversation with Cupid a few months back. He mentioned she can’t be trusted. I think he was hittin’ that but who am I to gossip…

Larry the Lep: HEY! She was holding that for a friend, she doesn’t do glitter dust….anymore.. But anyway it doesn’t matter where she works, she is just putting herself through college for her Cupcake Decorating degree, she is going to make something of herself! As for Cupid, he only WISHES he could tap that! Mercedes has standards you know.

Lanai: I see.  That's what the unicorn said…. She is still workin the pole.  Fine, maybe we are talking about different fairies… So anyways, Larry… Can I call you that? It’s St. Patrick’s day and I wanted to educate our readers on how you came about being the holiday mascot.

The Unicorn: Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.

Larry the Lep: St Patty this St Patty that! F him and F all that. Can’t you see we are in a crisis here lassy! I’m missing me pot of gold! You promise to help me find me pot of gold, I will give your readers the education of our holiday you want. 

Lanai: OK fine stop being hostile geez. I will help you find your pot of gold.  I’m not even sure where to start but Cupid and the Easter Bunny seem suspish. If the rumors are true, Cupid would know what Mercedes’s bedroom looks like...but the way I saw you get dropped by the Easter Bunny, maybe he has your gold. Rumor around the grid is, he is 1,000,000L behind on his child support. You know how rabbits have kids...

Spirit of Joan Rivers: MMhmmm

Earl the Easter Bunny: Umm I’m sitting right here.

Bernie: Rude.

Uncle Sam: *whispers to Santa* This is getting good.

Larry the Lep: Don’t be a gowl, the damn bunny got a lucky shot when I was trying to buckle my boots. As for Cupid, knowing Mercedes' room, he wishes, maybe only the pics that I shared umm I mean the description of how nice the room is, that is the only way he would know. But both of them are sex-crazed they wouldn’t be after me pot, Well yes, maybe the bunny cause he hits them and leaves them with many kids but I am thinking it is the Tooth Fairy, to be honest, he was always a little jealous of Mercedes and me since she dumped him for a real Leppy. 

Earl the Easter Bunny: Don’t catch another slap Larry.

Lanai: *stares at the Easter Bunny*  You have a good point there Larry. The tooth fairy does seem like a shady individual. What grown-ass man named Tammy wears a pink tutu and wings? Sounds like a creep to me.  He couldn't be here today because I heard he’s locked up for unpaid parking tickets.

Larry the Lep: Creepy you are right, I mean this man goes into children’s rooms in the middle of the night to steal TEETH! I mean come on, and how does he pay for those teeth? Maybe with fencing stolen GOLD huh??!?!

Lanai: Let me investigate. *pulls out her black book* We might have a story here.

After multiple attempts to contact Cupid, he could not be reached.

Earl the Easter Bunny:  “Larry is a raging alcoholic who is very forgetful. I bet he spent all his gold at the Blarney Stone Pub. We all know how they like to protect their own no matter who they step on. I was defending myself at the meeting because he was accusing me and everyone else. Maybe you should ask Uncle Sam.”

Uncle Sam: Oh noooo see that sign over there? It says No Drama Zone!  Don’t even include me in this mess I have a whole economy and a pandemic of my own to worry about. I don’t know him, Mercedes, or anyone else this little fool hangs out with so remove me from your suspect list. I come to Avatar Anonymous meetings to help with my public speaking skills. Maybe you should ask Santa, he seems to know who's been naughty or nice.

Santa: Uncle Sam is always trying to throw someone under the sleigh… According to my records, Sam was inciting a riot at The Linden Labs Headquarters on that day and all of the accused have alibis that check out except for one. Cupid was at a chest wax appointment during the hours in question. The Easter Bunny was in court with all his baby mommas and Mercedes was actually giving a lap dance to Orion Baral from your newspaper on that day and they went back to her place.

Lanai: Oh really now? So are you saying maybe SLE is somehow involved? This just got really interesting… Soooo Orion what do you know about the missing gold?

Orion Baral: First off, it wasn’t filmed pictured, or sketch drawn, I didn’t do it. You know me better than this, I wouldn't go to a low strip club. I am very loyal and wouldn’t hurt SLE’s reputation being seen there. As for this Mercedes girl, I met her once at a Business Seminar only, I didn’t go anywhere with her, I said hi and politely complimented she had nice wings, that was all.

Lanai: Hmmm. I do recall you going on a recent shopping spree a couple of days ago… OK Meeting is over!

Well, folks there you have it, we are just reporters, we are not detectives. We ask you the good people of SL to help us find who stole Larry’s pot of gold.  Please leave your comments below and help us find the culprit! We rely on you, the people. 

TO BE CONTINUED….

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Chillin with Bernie- Interview with a CutOut

 

The SL Enquirer is always involved in something . Whether it be a concert, party, drama sessions. mudslinging contest or some other secretive covert operations. We sure find the strangest of things to do.

While galivanting across the grid as if in a nightmare of a never ending soap opera, we came across Bernie! He was quietly sitting by a tree at Rustica, a Medieval furniture store. He looked cold and alone so we invited him over to the Media center for a hot cup of cocoa and a chat.

SLE Lanai: What a pleasure to meet you! Any relation to Colonel Sanders? Anyway, tell us what have you been doing since you dropped out of the election especially since they gave the nomination to Biden and he is now President to the US?

Bernie Cutout: If it isn’t the infamous Lanai Jarrico!  I’m sorry to see you weren't on the pardon list for fake news and absolutely not! I’ll have you know I prefer Popeye’s Chicken! Sorry I’m quite passionate about that relative misconception. It is a very sensitive subject for me. 

SLE Lanai: BLEEP you!

SLE Orion: Lanai.. don’t even entertain that comment, everyone knows you keep it real. Soooo Bernie, may we call you that? Rumor has it that you know the best hole in the wall places to eat, something on the “cheaper” side since we know you are a rather cheap person. Not that we are judging of course. We all like to save money, especially during this pandemic. So can you tell our readers of some of those places?

Bernie Cutout: Well I really can’t say that I remember a lot of places, but then again I barely remember what I had for breakfast. But I do remember a BBQ joint that I frequented while on the campaign trail. McDonalds! The McRib has to be the best thing ever next to cotton candy on a stick. Just a friendly suggestion don’t ever McRib wearing white, it will not end up pretty.

SLE Lanai: We will keep that in mind next time we want some BBQ on a budget...Aside from that bomb outfit worn by former First Lady Michelle, I must say the fashion in the capital is just jaw dropping. She worked that outfit but you….. Wearing sock slippers for mitts really rocks the fashion world. What inspired the look?

Bernie Cutout: Wait what? These aren’t socks, how rude of you, they are the newest Croatian fashion that came from a new kind of clothing mill.. I mean low overhead costing business. 

SLE Lanai: Please accept our apologies for assuming. We couldn't help but notice the rubber skids on your palms. Perhaps those are used in case you trip on ice to prevent a face plant.

Bernie Cutout: Where is this interview going? I have very important things to do.

SLE Orion: Bernie, please, you haven’t been in the public eye in months, so stop trying to be all high and mighty you need this interview to stay relevant, who are you kidding? 

Bernie Cutout: *looks around bringing his hands up to his faced and scratching his cheeks with the padded palms of his sock gloves* Oh good lord sorry, still getting used to

 this new fashion statement. 

SLE Lanai: What kind of statement is intended? *sips her cocoa*

Bernie Cutout: Out with the old and in with the ummm...new?

SLE Orion: Bernie, speaking of the newly sworn in commander in chief now in office, do you have any suggestion or words of advice you would like to give him or us for that matter?

Bernie Cutout: Well first off, I would like to say congratulations to him obviously, but if I had to suggest anything to the new Commander in Chief, it would be to fund new fashions for face masks since we will be wearing them for a while and we the people still want to look good. And like I have stated before, and this goes for him also. McRib and white shirts. The two shall never come together. 

SLE Lanai: Clearly this conversation was a disaster. Thank you for your time and congratulations on the explosion of memes that have gone viral. If it wasn't for those, we would have never noticed or even wanted to take time away from the newest Netflix documentary; The History of Swear Words starring Nicholas Cage to just interview you…

Bernie Cutout: Zzzzzzz Huh? Did you say something? I have to call this interview to a halt. I really need to get these gloves off. I can't feel my fingers. Thank you and good night.

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