Has Online Dating Ruined that Old-School Romance?? Samuel Roberts Reporting.

 

Poll on members of SL on the question “Has Online Dating Ruined that Old-School Romance?”

 

It’s a brave new world kids and this is not your grandad’s dating scene, unless your grandad is on tinder in which case good for him. Lol. Look, the truth is it’s a strange new world where the idea of approaching a stranger and getting to know them over time, flirting, building a repour before approaching the father for permission to take things further are all but extinct. Now its like a face you think is hot, if they like your face back then it’s a short questionnaire. ASL?? Age – Sex – Location, how old are you, what’s your gender identity and where are you?? That’s all I need to know and if your answers vibe with my answers then BAM we can meet up and no. you can’t meet my father. Is this what dating has become? Is this really how it is these days? Is it really that cold and lifeless?

 

Turns out no. I hit the grid this week and polled some random passersby about the question on my mind, has online dating in fact ruined what use to be romance? The answers I received were not what you would expect, there seems to be an atmosphere of on the one hand yes something feels like its lost but also, it’s been expanded. Made easier to cut through the red tape and find something special you would never have had the chance to given that you were only exposed to a small surrounding community of offline in person community group.

 

So, I asked around, and these are the answers I got, when asked this very question one woman said.

 “Yes, it has lost honesty, when people are not honest in what they are really searching for, its easy to pretend when no one is looking right at you that you are a genuine guy, so as a woman you get fooled in online dating, lost of players lying to get a few good pics while pretending they want more”.

 

another woman’s reply was.

“I don't think it has ruined it, not even close, I met my husband in RL on an online dating app and 7 years later we are still together and loved up more than ever. In fact, I would have never met the man of my dreams if it wasn’t for online dating”.

 

both these answers seem to contradict but I do not think so, I think they are both correct, they both make valid points. On the one hand anonymity is a good thing to hide behind for the player out there but if you’re in a town of 300 ppl then meeting a few players online before you eventually meet that guy you end up marrying for 7 years is maybe worth it considering without your only option is the abysmal small-town folk currently in your vicinity.

 

One man’s response to this question was.

“Believe it has destroyed old fashioned romance unfortunately, now girls think it’s weird when I try to meet them organically when I’m out and about, its like if I haven’t swiped and said they’re hot on an app first it is considered weird to even talk to them”.

 

and another reply I received was.

“Yes, the days of grabbing a woman by the hair and dragging her back to the cave are unfortunately long gone.   This seems to be the future...but is it more reliable? I think not.”

 

A hint of jest and sarcasm in the latter reply but I think the gentlemen’s point rings true in the sense that it is neither more nor less reliable. which I think is the point I’m walking away with so far, online dating isn’t a new kind of dating, it isn’t some kind of evolution of dating, its just a different forum, it has its pros and cons but threonyl thing that has really changed is the way in which we initiate contact, its still up to our own charm, personality and charisma to finish the job.

 

I especially love one woman’s response when she said.

"Hm, that is a very open-ended question. I would say yes and no. There are good and bad aspect when it comes to dating in general. Personally, I don't really care much for dating in either world because I am extremely anti-social so talking to people in general is hard. As for dating a whole, it is a lot of work, taking care of yourself for some people is hard enough. Adding in another person is just overkill. Especially when most people want some type of fairytale romance, which in a game is easy to give someone. So no, I don't think that online dating is what ruins dating for people, it's people who ruin it.”

 

Or one woman’s response which I found enlightening when she said.

“ personally i think it helps to an extent, getting rid of some awkward conversation if you are not interested there’s no *trying to find a way to sneak out or get called away* but it also makes it easier for predators to get to know their prey before they can be identified so it’s just as scary and in my opinion needs to stay verbally cautioned. that way people aren’t letting their guard down too soon because it is more comfortable to be behind a screen at first.”.

 

In closing Online dating is Bad for those with bad experiences and good for those with good experiences, all in all its just another brick in the walls don’t hate the game. hate the player, guns don’t kill ppl, ppl kill ppl, if you’re not catching my drift il spell it out… its not ONLINEDATING that affects or changes anything… humans will do what humans do…online dating seems to be just a forum we use. But what do I know? Right? What do YOU think?

 

To Jump In the Pool:

 

Love Actually Dating Agency: http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Gold%20Hollow/75/74/30

 

Lonely Hearts Dating Agency:

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Morenci/32/36/3501

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CYBERSEX 101 – NOOB GUIDE TO LOVE ON THE GRID (PART 3): JOSH (THOMAS1 BELLIC) REPORTING

What follows are the results of extensive research where we surveyed dozens of Subject Matter Experts on the topic.  We have distilled the collected wisdom from 33 of those experts. Altogether, these individuals have amassed over four CENTURIES of residency in SecondLife, totaling 435 years of experience! Let me encourage you to read and heed their guidance and suggestions as you navigate your own way through the pleasure and pitfalls of “love on the grid”

In Part 1 of our series, our panel of experts identified some of the more cringeworthy mistakes that noobs make during cyber sex.  You can read Part 1 by going to:

http://www.slenquirer.com/2022/01/cybersex-101-noob-guide-to-love-on-grid.html 

In Part 2, we looked at what our seasoned experts believe makes for a particularly good Cybersexual encounter,

http://www.slenquirer.com/2022/03/cybersex-101-part-2-noob-guide-to-love.html 

Finally, here in Part 3, we will wrap up our series with an open question to allow our seasoned experts to expand  on anything else they wanted to share about the topic

I asked our panel of experts “Is there anything else on the topic [of Cybersex] you would like to share?”

The answers from our panel basically fell into “The Three As”  

• Quality AVATAR, 

• Quality ATTITUDE 

• Quality ACTIONS.  

Let’s take a look at these one at a time. 

Quality Avi

Our panelists had a lot to say about the importance of a decent-looking Avatar.  In these days of Mesh and BOM, the experienced person looks to see that a potential sexual partner takes pride in how they look.  SL is largely a visual medium…so make sure the visuals are First Class  Specific comments included:

“The quality of your AVI matters, just like in RL. It is your first impression. Make it a good one. Oh and this is very important too...if you meet a really good-looking guy, all meshed up, etc…and only two or three months old, just be cautious.  Unless learning how to mesh up has been made easier to do, then it does take time to learn the ropes in SL...the good places to go to for shapes and skins, and clothes and hair.  When  a two-day-old "newbie" has a perfect avatar, you know it is not a "newbie" but an alt.”

“In SL, as in most things, you will get out of it what you put into it.  If you want to come in with a base avatar and pose hop, that is fine, but you will probably find the encounters less than exciting after the first few.  Put effort into it, and you will reap the rewards.  Your avatar, your approach, your seduction...all of it comes together to make the experience much more intense than what is just on the screen.  Like I said, as with most things in life, you get out of it exactly what you put into it.  Good luck, and happy F**king!”

“For the females, the better you look, the more IMs you will get --- but be picky.  Make sure that there is a click between you two.  Do you find him attractive?  Does he make you laugh?  Trust me, once you find yourself in bed with him better to find this out first, than doing a fake crash on the guy”

Quality Attitude

In SL, as well as in RL, great sex starts with a great attitude.  Some of our panelists had a lot to share on this particular item

“You must like it to be able to enjoy it.  If you like it is the best activity of SL (along with building things.)”

“There are many different types of people you meet. Somewhere out there is a person you can relate to. You can share your wants and needs with. Take your time exploring with others until you find the one that captures your whole being. It is well worth the wait. There are so many things you can explore here that you might never try in RL. Explore them and find your wants and desires it will make you a better person... The most important thing I have found is...ALWAYS be yourself...be true to yourself...Don’t change who you are for someone else. and always be honest with your feelings...You won’t go wrong that way. 😊”

“It's really about understanding people. We all are different and have different needs and attractions. For me, it really helps to know someone before having cyber sex with them. I enjoy getting to know the person and that makes the sexual experience much more titillating and fun. Learn all you can about SL and be respectful of the people in it.”

“The main thing is to relax and have fun. This is Second Life. It isn't here to replace your regular life. Don't get hung up and clingy with someone. Don't be too pushy either. Just keep everything relaxed. Having a fun interaction is all it is about, paying attention to the other person and connecting with them.”

“Don’t be “thirsty” .. don’t private message a bunch of girls at the same time with the same line.  You should really let people message you if they are interested.  Or maybe you could chat in local first.” 

“Watch what they say vs what they do...meaning actions vs words!  That is very,  very important.”

“It’s best to not have expectations...other than that...just have Fun.  After all, SL is supposed to be fun!!

And what is this “Emoting” thing everyone talks about?

“I think a whole article could be dedicated to the subject of emoting. The problem is many don’t know how or don’t want to learn. Responding, "mmmmmmm", or "MMMhMMM!"  to everything I say, is not emoting. Describe how I look, and how you feel when I touch you or when you touch me. That is emoting. Another big mistake is, telling your partner what they are doing, feeling, or experiencing. That practice is almost as bad as telling me to [climax], 3 seconds after you [enter me]” 

“Build the tension. and never approach someone and say your cute let’s f**k!”

One of the most often quoted pieces of advice here is: 

“Always remember that there is a real person behind the avatar. Just because we CAN be anonymous doesn’t mean we need to ACT like idiots. Be kind to people. There is a human behind every keyboard........ not everyone is here just to f**k.”

Quality Actions

So….you have yourself a Quality Avi and you have a Quality Attitude.  Finally, you need to tie these together with Quality Actions.

“Don’t rush. Take your time. Look around and pay attention to how things are done here: I can't tell you how many times some noob on his first day in SL, dressed in a freebie avatar, has come to me and said "I want sex with you" or things like that.  But that’s the point... they need to KNOW they don’t know how things are done here.”

Choose your setting carefully.  Cheesy animations that leave you with whiplash as you rocket through the positions are no fun for anyone.

“Script makers of all those sex beds and couches still haven't figured out creating real-life physics and dynamics for avatars to where movements are lined up realistically and automatically. We still see avatars in love-making positions merging body parts into each other: legs into torsos, arms, elbows, hands into heads and eyeballs, cocks into butt cheeks or thighs. Sexual intercourse is hit or miss where it often doesn't even look like sexual parts actually fit into each other. Especially when a man has an oversized appendage and it pops out of the tummy of a woman. The sex AOs is still a frustrating mess.”

“For many, the idea of cyber sex is just the act, but unless you are devoid of rational thought, you will quickly realize that the experience is and will be as good as the effort you put into it. As in all things, strike the right mood by going somewhere romantic, like the Grand Canyon Sims, where private areas abound and make the whole evening special. Don't forget that women appreciate intimacy more than just going for the goal line. Do not assume that everyone in SL is just here for the sex.  A nice date and foreplay are a plus.”

“Do not expect a person to orgasm, male or female or trans, almost immediately upon sexual activity. Foreplay should be fun. Dancing can be a great foreplay start to cybersex/, oh you might want something by role-playing, RP.”

 Regarding Voice and/or Camera

Some people like to introduce voice immediately into the process.  Others do not

“NO, I do not want to hear your bassy sex voice, your deep breathing, or your lisp. I don't want to hear your stupid sex chat in any way, shape, or form.  It totally ruins the immersion for me because people   rarely sound as expected.”  

Some people like the idea of seeing the RL behind the Avi.  Many do not.  Tread carefully here, and be sure you are both in full agreement 

“NO, I am not camming for you. I do not want you to record me, nor do I wish to see your bearded face, your acne, your bird chest, your weird-looking penis, your crooked teeth or frazzled hair - I don't even want to see a picture of you - Camming is a serious invasion of my privacy and crosses all of my boundaries by a mile.”

“Insisting with Cam or Voice after I said NO the first time will get you blocked. especially if you have the insolence of suggesting that I hide from those around me or similar nonsense -- EXCUSE ME? I hide enough as it is. I have nothing to prove and am not taking any risks for you, STRANGER. “   

One particularly observant commentator said:

“The guy has to like shopping...if he complains about it, then that is a red flag as well.”

What about “toys”

“Watching and hearing, and now being able to connect with toys makes SL even more special, adding parts to be able to rub one another make cuddling and sex more real. 

And a final word of advice from our panelists  

“Don't get 'caught' by RL. RL is the innocent and doesn't deserve to have to go through the trauma of finding a loved one masturbating with a cartoon girlfriend.”

So there you have it, folks.  Let me encourage you to go back and check out Parts I and II of this three-part series.  Go forward and “Be all you can be” in SecondLife.

See ya ‘round the grid.

Aloha

JB

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AVIE POLL: IF YOU ARE MARRIED IN REAL LIFE, AND PARTNER IN SL, IS IT CONSIDERED CHEATING? - JOSH (THOMAS1 BELLIC)

So...this question has been asked at least once, and probably a couple dozen times, by every married guy or gal shortly after setting pixelated foot on the SL Grid. In keeping with SLE’s desire to remain relevant to the population we serve, we thought it would be interesting to make this ubiquitous question the subject of this month’s SLE Poll.  This proved to be a particularly easy question to ask, but difficult to get answers. Almost universally, whenever I posed the question, people had an opinion, but very few were willing to share it. So, My hat’s off to those intrepid few who dared to answer, and even more so to those who wished to be identified with their answer. So then...with that in mind….Let the Games Begin!

When asked, “If you are married in Real Life, and partner in SecondLife, is it cheating?, the first respondent had a very thoughtful answer.

Anonymous, SL Resident, (9 years 11 months; 3650 days)

“I feel my partner in sl just adds more enrichment to my real life.  Perhaps in many ways it fill in little little holes that even a happy marriage can have.  I have a very happy rl marriage, and my adventures in sl bleed out into my rl marriage. My exploration of bondage has lead to me exploring that with my husband, who was eager to take part.  He must wonder and realize what I may be doing in sl, but he knows I am happy and continue to make him happy. I in no way have a partner in sl to replace what I have in rl. Its a balance one has to be mature enough to engage in and have a big enough heart for, to keep that way.”  

Another respondent was equally circumspect.

Lora B. , SecondLife Resident, (12 years 8 months; 4643 days)

“I am happy to tell you my answer....  SL is an alternate existence, we can live by the same compass we use in RL or we can treat this world the way some people treat a video game.... there are video games where you engage in war and pretend to kill people... and video games where you pretend to steal things... I think those people are not truly murderers or thieves.... any more than the married people who are partnered here are unfaithful.... I dont agree with people who believe any division of the heart or mind away from a lawful spouse is infidelity...”

The next two responders brought a unique perspective to the question, since they are actually a RL married couple, as well as SL partners.

Kale Rayne, DJ, Owner Teaser's Lounge & Den (8 years 4 months; 3052 days)

“We are married in both RL and SL Delilah and I. To answer the question, I state this: I encourage her to play at her choosing whether I am present or not. The only thing I ask is that she tell me of her adventures if I am not present or online. She has told me every time therefore she is not cheating on me since I encourage her to play. Our relationship is defined as a Stag and Vixen whereas she may have different lovers and I do not touch any other woman , at times I may watch or even join in if all are willing. Now if at anytime she hides her adventures to me then yes that is cheating, but the trust I have in her is what she cherishes most . We have been together for 8 years plus in SL and she has never cheated.”

Delilah Rayne, Hostess, Co-Owner Teaser's Lounge & Den,  (8 years 11 months; 3270 days)

“No it is not cheating if your RL partner knows about it and is okay with it.  If its done behind your RL partners back and they are not aware then yes its considered cheating in our opinion.

This next couple were also in complete agreement

Richh Devin,  Builder of Dreams, Club Owner (11 years 10 months; 4345 days)

Alexxxa Devin) SL DJ and Hostess  (9 years 5 months; 3447 days)

“As long as both are on same page about SL, then no, it is most definitely NOT cheating.   Communication is key in both worlds.”

This next answer come from one who was holding one of those Magic 8-Balls.  She repeated my question for the benefit of the ball, and responded accordingly with a very reasonable and straightforward  response.

Hunnydumpling  O'Magah, SL Resident (8 years 7 months; 3140 days)

“After consulting my oracle I believe that partnering someone is cheating while just screwing them is not. TYVM”

While the responders answered some variation of the “it’s not cheating” theme, there was one particularly outspoken proponent of the opposite view.

Lisa Icandia,  Renaissance Woman, (9 years 2 months; 3364 days)

“Of course it is cheating unless you have lost all morality from sight. You are emotionally cheating on your real life partner. She/He may be sexually uninspired or fat or old but you're married. You are giving laughter, joy, fun, understanding and time to a total stranger who is a well made and sexy cartoon and is only made of pixel dust. And 9.5 times out of 10 it will end in one of you leaving SL or blocking the other person or cheating on that avatar along with your real life partner. But we ignore that it's cheating, don't we, because we love the thrill of the chase and we love feeling loved and as if we are young and beautiful and viable. There are no real obligations in here to mow the lawn or cook or clean house or bathe or go to work each day so we can always be charming and perfect spouses in SL even though we are not in real life. It's ALL an illusion!”

Often times when I asked a potential respondent, several answered that they did not feel comfortable answering the question, but would love to read the final poll results and asked that they be notified when it went to press.

S  male, (4 years 8 months; 1727 days)

“ummmm...I suspect if you are married in RL and partnered here the odds are that you are going to say no to cheating but I look forward to seeing the results.”

So there you have it folks...as many different answers as there were individuals who answered.  So then. What do YOU think? Leave a comment.

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Top 5 Reasons Why Relationships Fail in Second Life-Becca Drascol Reporting

Whether your SL relationship is just an in-world romance or one that steps outside into RL, all relationships have specific elements that make them last or fail. Even if the relationship is in-world only and may not be as serious, all people tend to rely on a few basic things that they will or won't tolerate. In this article I will go over what I feel are top 5 things that make a relationship fail in SL.

1)Stalking-All relationships usually start off sweet and honeymooner-esque. And although most stalking usually occurs after a relationship ends badly, that's not always the case. Rather it's a possession or control type issue, sometimes people have an unhealthy obsession with someone they have been involved with. To me this is a very distinct line and timing of something that ruins or causes the fail of a relationship.

2)Partner becomes controlling-While we want to think we would know a controlling person when we meet them, the truth can be so very far from that. Sometimes it’s just when things seem to be rolling along merrily and then BAM one partner starts to control. From telling their partner how to dress, who to talk to, and furthermore what type of job they can or cannot do within SL, or even where they can go. This too can kill any relationship. It is only when one becomes passive to the control is when it doesn't end the relationship.

3)Cheating-When it comes to cheating I must first say that one there is a clear cut definition of cheating, which would be having a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone other than your partner. With that being said, and with the fact that polyamory is on a RL rise, along with open relationships, and different sexual behaviors that would normally be defined as cheating, what cheating is truly defined as may be blurred. But whenever an issue is one that is a betrayal to your partner it is most likely going to end up heartbreak hotel and the end of a relationship.

4)New love interest-Ever get that feeling that the relationship has changed? That your partner is falling for another? Or boom...they leave you and then you find that it's for another. And unless you want to cling or hold on...or become the above mentioned, a stalker...your love finding another is normally the end of things. And so it should be.

5)Dishonesty-What's a little white lie? A huge lie? One lie...or two...three? Well I guess it would depend on if the person lied to can live with the truth that it spawned from. Sometimes couples can thrive even when dishonesty arises mid relationship. Even lies that most people would not stand for, such as they're married RL and you never knew, or have children. Or perhaps they play as a male avatar and to your knowledge were male RL then suddenly they confess they happen to be female RL. Some of these lies would not affect one whatsoever and they would continue the SL relationship as it was, only in knowing the things they did not before. But for most, lies and dishonest behavior will put a nail in the coffin for sure.

Why do they fail?

Why one relationship fails while another thrives may be a mystery or obvious and clear. It could be one or all of my top five play a part in relationship failures. Hopefully with these top five in mind, you SL’ers out there can better a current relationship or make informed decisions when it’s time for an end.

This is Becca Drascol wishing you a happy healthy relationship...or new beginnings should one fail.

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In the name of Love - Sarahelisebeth Brenham

Would you move to a new country for someone you have only known online? Is this idea dangerous? Could love like this last? Let's discuss this important topic.


Many of us want to find our prince or princess charming. Throughout the years, different ways and methods for finding your soul mate have been introduced. In the twenty-first century, the most popular way to find your forever love is on the internet. There are many ways to meet someone on the web. One such way is through a program called Second Life. SL is a platform that allows people to live out dreams that they thought could never come true. Being that Second Life has over a million members, it’s no shock that people can and have met the love of their SL and RL. But relationships that start online do come with special circumstances. Let’s explore what you challenges you might face and how to deal with them, if you just happen to meet your soul mate on the internet.

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Online Dating in Second Life- Jessi2009 Warrol Reporting…

With increased internet usage, online dating has taken the world by storm. Couples who are thousands of miles apart can now find love via their computers. Using web cams, instant messaging, and even virtual worlds, couples who normally would not have ever met, are now meeting and falling in love.

Virtual worlds such as Second Life, give online dating a twist. Couples can go for a movie, grab a bite to eat, and snuggle up in front of a fire, all from the comfort of their living rooms and without even next to each other!

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Dating in Second Life© - Definate Balfour Reporting…

I’ve done it, you’ve most likely done it, and honestly I really don’t know of too many who haven’t done it. What is ‘it’ you might be wondering?  Dating is ‘it’!

You roam the grid and you see it happening all the time, partnerships, engagements, and even people that have found love beyond the pixel, but all these things began the same way, dating. I wanted to know about others’ experiences, what they look for, and any advice that they may be able to provide. What other way to do this than asking avatars?

I began my journey to answer these questions by simply asking them. I came up with basic questions for friends, family, and even strangers to make things more even. I wanted unbiased answers, things that may not have been told to me by friends and family.

What I asked were the following:

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Stories from the SL Dating-Relationship Trenches -- Shon Charisma Reporting

In Second Life, we can do practically anything, and most of the things we finally settle down to do in earnest are the same things we do in our real space. We work to get the body we want. We buy clothes and accessories that make us look good (relatively speaking, that is). We purchase homes. And while we're in the midst of "getting ourselves together" here on the grid, we also find love, build relationships, get married, have kids, develop a family. I might be one of the very few who never thought about having a relationship in-world. I have children and grandchildren--am even a godmother to a few, but never thought about finding a mate...for what?

And then I met someone who actually made me want to chunk a part of my day just to dedicate to her, and I then, like a million-watt light bulb going off in my mind, realized that it's not that surprising we'd want to connect with others in-world in deep ways: to date, get to learn about others, to make connections that have you wanting to build a relationship with just one person.

BUT...to get to that "building a relationship" stage, most SL citizens date, and it's that SL Dating Pool where you can run into the right one, the wrong one, the crazy one, and the ones in between. I talked with a few SL citizens about the good, bad, and the ugly of SL dating and not only got good stories, but good advice for those jumping into the grid and looking for L-O-V-E.



Me and my Bae, Earth Nirvana


I asked a few SL citizens to share with me an SL dating/relationship story, good or bad, and offer some sort of advice to others jumping into the dating pool. I want to share some below...

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MEN AND ROMANCE Allen Eppenberger Reporting...

 

Valentines Day is a subject that can vary widely, depending on who you ask. Many women will eagerly look forward to recieving gifts of chocolates, flowers, and trinkets. Children will giggle and poke fun at their peers, blushing at the tiny paper wishes, printed with animated characters, or stuffed animals. And men. Ah, yes, men. We like to fly under the radar on that day.

It's not that we aren't romantic. Far from it! I've spent many happy hours courting my wife in RL. There was one time early in our marriage when we wandered through the greeting cards at the local Hallmark Shop. We took turns just showing each other Valentine cards that caught our fancy. Afterwards, we went to a fast food place and just talked while we ate, dreaming about the future.

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Reader Video Submission: Outrageous Weirdiculous E-Harmony Bio Are you a cat lover? The SL Enquirer

It gets good at  0:59
Online Dating Services.

It is youtube.com videos like this that introduce me to the real horrors of online matchmaking and hooking up. I was left bewildered at the content of this video even cried because the unintended humor was almost as good as Chris Crocker's infamous LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! rant. I wonder if these two are related or at least know each other.

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CULTURE: Online Dating- 100% Birth Control...

Imagine the Possibilities

Pros

-----

*Enjoy Second Life with a companion or companions.

we all need one unless we settle for a virtual dog or a hampster...

*half the rental fees and more help in business?

*cheapest form of dating ever created Next to speed dating.

*finally finding true love...again?

Cons

-----

*commitment issues are now compromised

*domestic drama and bickering is more then likely

*feelings of being smothered, held back or on a short lease.

*break up within 4 months.making up/breaking up again

*sleepless lonely nights

A look into the Phenomenon of Online Dating

By: Lanai Jarrico

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