The SL Enquirer: making love

OK...SOOO...you are new to SL. You came to meet people. To build…maybe as an outlet for your artistic expression…You were here about a day and a half when you learned about an entirely different side of the Grid. The Naughty side, as it were. Of course, you are interested…curious maybe, and like everything else, you want to see what this is all about. Whether you were introduced to cybersex at the hands of a caring mentor, or if your first experience was at a group orgy, chances are you have questions about it all, and how you can maximize your enjoyment, and that of your partners, in this thing called cybersex. Questions like “How do I know if she or he is interested? Are there any “Green Light” Phrases?” or “What is it about working the animations? Is there anything special to know about that?” And then the ever-present “To voice, or not to voice? That is the question.”

In keeping with the SL Enquirer’s continuing mission to inform our readers, over the next several weeks we will publish a three-part series on how to be the best cyberlover you can.

What follows are the results of extensive research, where we surveyed dozens of Subject Matter Experts on the topic. We have distilled the collected wisdom from 28 of those experts. Altogether, these individuals have amassed over three and a half CENTURIES of residency in SecondLife, totaling 376 years of experience! Let me encourage you to read and heed their guidance and suggestions as you navigate your own way through the pleasure and pitfalls of “love on the grid”

In Part One of our series, our panel of experts was asked to identify some of the more noteworthy mistakes that noobs make during cybersex.

In Part two, we will look at what our seasoned experts believe makes for a particularly good cybersexual encounter,

Finally, in Part Three, we will wrap up with an open question to allow our seasoned experts to expand on anything else they wanted to share about the topic

Before you enter into the wild and confusing and exciting world of cybersex, you should ask yourself “why do you even want to have sex in SL?” If you're doing it because you want to change your RL, make sure your "target" has the same kind of ideas. Most don't. Along with that... What do you expect from it? Is it just porn for you? Or to help you “get off”? Or maybe you've never really had sex at all and are just trying to fill that gap. I once had a counselor who works with individuals with disabilities tell me that “For people with some disabilities, [cyber]sex may be the ONLY sex they will ever get to experience” Do you care about this person you're hoping to have sex with, or is it totally casual? And do they feel the same way? Be sure you can address these questions before proceeding.

Part One: What are some of the more noteworthy “Noob Mistakes” during Cybersex?

There were several answers to this question that were repeated time and again by our “sexperts”. Most often cited was the poor quality of the dialogue that often accompanies a noob’s initial dive into cybersex. Fully 48% of those responding identified this as a top concern

· “It's okay to reach out and contact people you're interested in, start a chat first, but don't just offer friendship without a word said, and send a random TP offer to some remote sex beach.”

One writer summed it up nicely when she said:

· “Learn how to emote! This is where you get creative and describe what is going on or even add something to it to heighten the experience makes all the difference in the world. Don't just keep typing harder, faster, or deeper. You can only get so hard or go so fast. You can only go so deep. [Repeating this over and over] just makes you look stupid.”

Other comments included:

· “You must establish with the quality your intention and that of the couple, it is for fun, it is for porn sex, it is for love? That will help you avoid problems that may end up breaking your heart.

"I have noticed…the lack of quality roleplay and immersion. A lot of the RP would be rapid, machine-gun fire posts, without waiting for a reply like: mmm…so good….ahhh…Noob: nice p***sy”

Some noted the sparseness of supporting emotes:

“Don’t just watch the animations. There needs to be a conversation. Narrate the scene. playoff of each other”

· “Don’t use shorthand texting abbreviations. You could come off like an uneducated dumbass or she may think the guy behind the profile has the maturity level of a 14-year-old.”

· “Take your time, learn to emote. Do not be a paragraph writer. "Lays you on your back. Spreads your legs… pushing into you" works better for you and your partner than writing a book.”

On the other hand, sometimes there is too much text.

· “No excessive emoting, it is supposed to be about your thoughts and what you would be doing in RL, not a paragraph from ‘50 Shades of Grey’.”

· “Don't ‘godmod’ - don't tell me what I am doing or feeling or saying. Let me respond for me, and you respond for you. Nothing is as annoying as being told you are screaming out in ecstasy when you just emoted biting your lip in silence.”

· “Don't ignore what your partner is emoting. So many people who are new to this start writing what they are doing and forget that it is a two-way street. Write...and then READ and respond. Make it a give and take.”

Additionally, 26% of the respondents addressed the importance of having a hi-quality Avatar.

· “First of all, you should make sure your avie is totally mesh, no one likes being with a noob especially if your body doesn't look good. That sounds a little mean but it is so true.”

· “I recommend investing some time and effort into your avatar and strive to bring a unique look to your avatar that defines you. There's still a lot of avatars running around with system avatars that look like they were made with scissors and paste and 2006 fell on their spiky heads.”

· “Avoid having an ugly avatar - get a mesh body (yes, there are free ones for that). If you're a guy, do NOT get yourself a "freenis" (=a free penis) - they look ugly!”

· “Don't just put on your new c**k and run out to play. Learn to use it. Color it. Position it. Get to know the hud, so that your use of it is not the focus of the interaction.”

A full 20% of the respondents noted that how you initiate cybersex is of crucial importance.

Never ever (!!!!!) just approach a person and just say “Ur Hawt”, Wanna f**k?" or “nice tits” as your opening sentence'" The approach. "Wanna F**k" is not going to get you any further in SL than in RL.

· “Like in RL, most people want a little seduction. If all we wanted was to jump on a pose ball, we would make an alt of the opposite sex and never bother engaging with others.”

One contributor identified a major problem upfront:

· “Asking for Sex. That's the number one mistake. No one worthy of your time wants to be asked to have sex. The trick is to engage in conversation in a way that makes them think they want to get to know you better. Then invite them to join you on a chair or sofa to be comfortable during conversation. And from there you might stroke their hair or their shoulder. Perhaps you kiss their mouth when the moment feels right and see how they react. If they are into it and kiss back... you have permission to go further. if they simply Smile and do not kiss back... disengage and find someone else.”

And finally,

· “Always cuddle before and after - don't be a cad.”

Other challenges noted were too numerous to fully cover here, but they included things like how often to change poses or not. Once your partner has the camera properly positioned, hopping from pose to pose every 10 or 15 seconds can be irritating. Some have suggested no more than 4 or five poses should be used during an entire encounter. Pay attention to details…placement of appendages…not poking thru bellies or outback of heads.

So, there you have it, folks – some of the more common mistakes noobs (and more experienced residents) can make while cybering. Confusing? Yeah. It certainly can be. But with a little practice and attention to detail, you too can become the Don Juan (or Donna Juan) of Cyber.

Stay tuned for the next two parts in this series, where we will continue our discussion about what makes for great cyber, as our sexperts share from their experience gained in this important aspect of life on the grid.

Be There. Aloha!