Interview with Uncle Sam- Darron Buckenberger Reporting..

 

It’s 4th of July and what better way to celebrate this day in Second Life than an interview with Uncle Sam. He’s like that stoner Uncle everyone has that is always at the annual BBQ and everyone just rolls their eyes and laughs when he begins singing his favorite rendition of “Yankee Doodle” during  Karaoke…

Interview with Uncle Sam

Darron: Happy Fourth of July, Uncle Sam! Thanks for joining me here at the Enquirer Headquarters. How’s the barbecue treating you?

Uncle Sam: Happy Fourth, Darron! The barbecue’s great, though I’ve had to dodge a few overcooked hot dogs. You know how it is – can’t have a party without a little char! And I must say, this setup is quite… festive.

Darron: Absolutely! Nothing says freedom like a well-stocked rolling tray. So, Uncle Sam, what’s your favorite thing about celebrating the Fourth of July?

Uncle Sam: Oh, it’s gotta be the fireworks! Nothing lights up the sky like a good display of freedom. And, of course, the endless supply of potato salad. You can never have too much potato salad – or too many nugs, apparently.

Darron: Speaking of freedom, what do you think about the state of the nation these days? Any thoughts on the lively political scene?

Uncle Sam: Well, Darron, it’s a bit like this rolling tray – a lot of pieces, a lot of mess, but somehow it all comes together. Everyone’s got an opinion, and that’s the beauty of it. Freedom to speak your mind, even if it sometimes feels like a never-ending debate over who rolled the best joint.

Darron: True enough! And what about taxes? People say you have quite the knack for collecting them.

Uncle Sam: Ah, taxes. The necessary evil that keeps this party going. I always say, pay your dues, but make sure you’re getting your fair share of the pie. It’s not always perfect, but we’re working on it – like trying to get that perfect roll without spilling any nugs.

Darron: Speaking of pies, any dessert recommendations for today?

Uncle Sam: Definitely apple pie – with a big scoop of vanilla ice cream. And if you really want to impress, try a red, white, and blue trifle. It’s festive, delicious, and pairs well with a nice, relaxing smoke.

Darron: Yum! I’ll have to give that a try. Now, some folks think you hang out with some questionable characters. Any comments on that?

Uncle Sam: Well, every family has its characters, right? The important thing is to focus on the good – the people who work hard, support each other, and keep the spirit of the nation alive. And maybe we can all agree that a little less drama and a bit more cooperation would do us good. Sort of like sharing the last nug in the grinder.

Darron: Well said! And what’s your secret to giving those memorable speeches everyone talks about?

Uncle Sam: It’s all about timing. Start strong with a toast, throw in a few jokes, and when you see people reaching for another drink, or another joint, you know it’s time to wrap it up. Keep it short and sweet – like a good apple pie or a quick hit.

Darron: (laughs) You really know how to work a crowd! Now, Uncle Sam, any hidden talents?

Uncle Sam: Well, I can juggle flaming sparklers – just kidding! But I do have a mean karaoke rendition of “Yankee Doodle.” And I can roll a joint in under a minute, which I’d say is quite the talent.

Darron: Now that’s impressive! And finally, Uncle Sam, any last words of wisdom for our readers?

Uncle Sam: Enjoy the day with family and friends, eat well, laugh a lot, and remember – freedom is about enjoying the little things. And maybe skipping the heavy politics just for today. Oh, and always keep a box of Altoids handy – never know when you’ll need fresh breath.

Darron: Perfect advice. Thanks for the chat, Uncle Sam. Happy Fourth of July!

Uncle Sam: Anytime, Darron! Happy Fourth to all!

Darron: Wait a minute… is that a USB port on your neck?

Uncle Sam: (laughs) Oh, you caught me! Yep, I’m an AI cyborg. Helps keep the speeches consistent and the joints perfectly rolled.

Darron: Well, that explains a lot! Cheers to our cyborg Uncle Sam!

Uncle Sam: Cheers, Darron! And remember – in the land of the free, even AI can celebrate the Fourth of July!

Darron: Right! It’s just unfortunate that you can’t feel the effects of a well toked nug… I’ll be sure to take a hit for you!

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HOLIDAY MASCOT SERIES: Interview with a Female Leprechaun 2024- Lanai Jarrico Reporting

 

Before we get into this extra peculiar interview with this year’s St Patrick’s day mascot, I wanted to remind St Patrick’s Day fans what the holiday is really about since it seems to be associated with drinking….heavily.

  St Patricks Day was first officially observed in 1631 when the church put together a feast day honoring St Patrick; the Patron Saint of Ireland.

 Back story time… Did you know St Patrick was kidnapped from Britain and sold into slavery in Ireland when he was 16 years old.  He escaped six years later and vowed to convert Ireland into Christianity and vanquished all snakes from Ireland not that there were any there to begin with. I think it's a metaphor for banishing evil.

 He wasn’t Irish nor was Patrick his real name. It was derived from the word “Patricus' ' in Latin; meaning nobleman or father figure. His real name was Maewyn Succat and he claimed that he deserved being kidnapped because of his lack of faith in God. He also claimed to hear voices and have visions too. Kinda like Joan of Arc. That’s pretty deep ya’ll.

Besides that, green wasn’t his favorite color either. It was blue. But be careful though…. rumor has it, If you don’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day, you might get pinched by a Leprechaun! 

Let me not even get started on the history of those holiday mascots...they are shoemakers that have some sort of fetish for gold that they hide at the end of a rainbow. If the gold is found, the little imp will grant three wishes.  Shrugs  I don’t know about you but I think it got a bit too Disney for me.

As far as the shamrock is concerned, there’s no evidence St Patrick was a gardener or ever wore a clover...It's a metaphor, a symbol for the holy trinity with the 3 leaves presenting the Father, the son and the holy spirit.

If we wanna throw it out there and keep it real. This holiday was really derived from Pagans,  there was a lot of that witchery going on back then. March 17th was originally Ostara; the spring equinox, celebrating rebirth and the balance of the universe but it got hijacked by another religion. Now it seems to hold no religious value at all.

I’m no historian or religious freak but I know a little somethin’.  I frankly don’t know what is being celebrated today though. It turned into a universal day of  heavy drinking, pub crawls, lots of green and a hangover the next day.

In Second life, the holiday is about venue hopping,music and dancing while double fisting virtual beverages. Our avatar is not responsible for our real person's consumption habits on this day or any other day for that matter.

 I think I like this version of holiday observation best because I can actually interview a leprechaun and not even feel weird about it.

 With that said…

St. Patrick’s day is right around the corner so off I ventured the grid in search of this year’s  little green dude to snatch up and interrogate errrr…. Interview. I went to my old haunt for holiday mascots and didn’t find any leprechauns at an AA meeting…oddly enough.

 I even tried looking for the end of a rainbow and it led me to an LGBTQIA club. I hung out there a bit with great music and friendly peeps,  then decided to go to the next best place…. The Blarney Stone -Irish Pub.

I was a bit hesitant to go inside at first because of past history that I do not care to discuss. Let’s just say it was so worth the SLE police report at the time lol.

Anyway, while ordering up a nice cold Guiness and scanning the place, I noticed what looked like a giant Leprechaun.  She seemed a bit intoxicated while dancing around and somewhat singing the lyrics to a song like a drunken karaoke superstar.

 I dropped my tab and tip on the bar and walked over to her. The first question I wanted to ask was where she shops when she voluntarily slurred out that she was a Leprechaun lookin for a good time. I found it a bit strange being that she was the height of an average avatar and that she was…. what appeared to be a woman…

Thinking to myself, this holiday cannot get any stranger with its constant evolution but decided I’ll interview her. What do I have to lose, except for readers who aren't into this crazy kinda shit.

INTERVIEW WITH JEZEBEL THE LEPRECHAUN

Lanai: Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. I wanted to ask…

Jezebel: Hey beautiful. Come dance with me.

Lanai: Oh thank you for the offer but I wasn’t hitting on you. I just wanted to know where you shop. That is a creative outfit you have on.

Jezebel: Ohh my bad. I’m a Leprechaun.. Well half. My dad is… my mom…she’s an elf. I get my ears from my momma.

Lanai: Who’d you get the height from?

Jezebel: My mother told me to never ask her those types of questions... She was a drunk when I was conceived and barely remembers my dad.

Lanai: Sorry I didn't mean to get all personal.

Jezebel: Not at all. I’ve been trying to get him to take a paternity test but he refused to give up gold in child support.

Lanai: Dang, Sorry to hear all that.  I must say you are the first female leprechaun I’ve met or even heard of.

Jezebel: I get that all the time lol. I wasn’t born this way. With the abundance of acceptance in the SL community, my love of Lady Gaga and excessive amounts of makeup and lashes I am living my true self and loving it. 

Lanai: Well you go girl! Live your best Slife. There is nothing wrong with that!

Jezebel: Thank you! So you're a journalist huh?

Lanai: I’ve been called worse lol. Yes and was out looking for a Leprechaun to interview for St Patrick's day

Jezebel: Well you came to the right place honey. I’ll answer your questions since I’m technically one.

Lanai: *looks at her with a long contemplating stare*

Jezebel: What?

Lanai: This is the first time I'm lost for words. I don’t even know what to ask you.

Jezebel: I understand all that glitters is not gold and all those tacky sayings but you did hit the jackpot lady luck. I’ll be your best interview ever!

Lanai: Ok… So what are your plans for St. Patrick’s Day?

Jezebel: I really didn’t have any plans, I was hoping you could give me some ideas.

Lanai: What’s the point if a leprechaun doesn’t even have plans? I think most avies nowadays just treat it like another day in SL. Others, I suppose visit St. Patty’s Day themed events to take advantage of any contests or sales happening. Other than that, I’m as stumped as you are.

Jezebel: As a leprechaun and unofficial St. Patrick’s Day representative I propose that everyone visit The Blarney Stone Irish Pub. It’s as Irish as it gets in SL. *shrugs* Besides that, name dropping their venue in The SL Enquirer might get me some popularity points with management. I’ve been looking for a job.

Lanai: FFS… Would you happen to know where the Easter Bunny likes to hang out?

Jezebel: Umm. Why am I suddenly feeling used for your next interview project?

Lanai:  Well yeah, thank you for the inspiration. I  wish you luck with your new job if you get it.

Jezebel: Thanks. Sorry gotta run!  my wife just pulled into the driveway, I was supposed to take chicken out of the freezer a couple hours ago to defrost. 

*oops* I’m so embarrassed. I didn’t mean to type that in open chat.

Lanai: *stares in disbelief*

Sometimes you have to admit defeat, even in the writing game. Not all interviews come easy and this one just baffled the hell out of me.

*Cheers* 

 Happy St Patrick's day!

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INTERVIEW WITH CUPID 2024 Lanai Jarrico Reporting…

Last year’s Cupid managed to pull off a flawless Valentine’s Day, connecting couples and helping aid the population growth on the grid. It wasn’t from any *clears throat* threats or anything. However, once his assignment was done I heard “Bob” collected his payout, changed his identity and hopped on a plane to an undisclosed location never to be heard from again. Typical of a dead beat prim baby daddy.

 Once again, I had to find another Valentine’s Day mascot to fill his speedos and wings and made sure this one was a sharp shooter. (so I thought) I went back to the only place known to have a high volume of holiday Mascots in attendance;  An AA Meeting (Avatars Anonymous).

 It didn’t take long to spot the perfect one for the Job. Meet Alejandro, this year’s Cupid…

Lanai: Hi Alejandro, thank you for willingly accepting the position to take on the very important task of Cupid. Not every day can you shoot someone with an arrow and it's totally legal, in fact welcomed by lonely souls seeking Love on Valentine’s Day.

Alejandro: Lanai, thank you for the job offer. I have been searching for one in Second life with no real luck since getting out of rehab. It seems the only jobs available these days, aside from escorting and stripping, are club host and the occasional fluffer for adult machinima. They definitely don’t pay enough for those short films.

Lanai: I wouldn't know… but with a name like Alejandro, you seem to fit the criteria I am looking for to fill the position for Cupid 2024. Can I ask who your hairstylist is cause maaan, you are rockin those waves!

Alejandro: Oh thank you, *flips hair*.  His name is Glitter Fancypants, would you like his number? So… when would you like me to start?

Lanai: Nah, I’m OK thank you. First things first, you need an authentic Cupid Uniform. This year let's add a little spice to the mix. According to my comment box, a lot of avatars are looking more for flings rather than long term commitments. Swinging and swapping seem to be the new craze so what I would like you to do is recruit associates to assist you in matchmaking. Kinda like a Love Coaching Squad!

Alejandro:  Interesting… I guess I can recruit some of my ex-fluffer co-workers to assist, They have been looking for supplemental income. We’ve all been squatting together in an abandoned free linden home and it’s getting kinda tight.

Lanai: I’m all for helping avies climb out of SL poverty if they are able to maintain a job.  I have only one concern about your roommates. They are not allowed to use arrows on themselves. Word on the street is some fluffers have addiction problems and I’m not going to supply and contribute to it. You included.

Alejandro: I understand.. Never get high on your own supply. The greatest rapper ever; Big Poppa coined that phrase in 10 Crack commandments.

Lanai: I love Big Poppa. He certainly was a lyrical genius. Rest his soul.

Alejandro: Yea so, once I gather my crew, What would you like us to do first?

Lanai: Take showers and maybe make an appointment with Glitter and I will supply the uniforms. *hands him some money to pay his utility bills to ensure he has hot water*

Alejandro: You are too kind Ms Jarrico. We will not disappoint!

Lanai: Come see me in a week for your uniform fittings and from there I will interview your squad and possibly assign you all different regions to help the lonely souls of SL find Love.

Alejandro: See you soon you earth angel!

Lanai: I’ve been called many things, but that’s a first!  *smirks as she watches him prance off filled with joy*

ONE WEEK LATER

Alejandro: Lanai! I’d like to introduce you to the new Cupid Crew!  ChizelChest, CherryPie, ChocolateStar and Steve!

Lanai: Quite the batch of superhero rejects you brought back to me. Excuse me my filter doesn’t seem to be working….What is this? *sighs*, we have A LOT of work to do… Please follow me….

*hears whispers from the crew as they follow along*

Lanai: OK, as you all know you were….hand picked *rolls eyes* by Cupid *stares him down all disappointed*.... To assist with spreading Love across the grid and bringing avies together. Let me start by asking each of you what you feel you are bringing to the table for Valentine’s day?

Chisel Chest: *hesitates for a moment* Ms Jarrico, I just have to say I’m a big fan! I have followed your articles for years and I have to say… you are just the most amazing, talented beauty I have ever seen. What I’d like to bring to the table are these amazing pecs. *bounces them as a demonstration*

Lanai: Good lord. *turns her attention to CherryPie*

CherryPie:  Hi Ms Jarrico, unlike ChiselChest over here trying to impress you with that unique ability, let me show you what I can do. *gets down on the ground and twists her body into a pretzel. *struggles to speak* Being flexible is a major turn on and I’m here to teach the ladies how to attract a man *gasps for air*

Lanai: Ummm. Are you ok? Alejandro, can you please help her up?

Alejandro: *struggles to untwist her*

Lanai: for crying out loud you two look like you are playing geriatric twister… just… twist her arm back and move her leg the other way…. Omg you know what…. * SMH* What a disaster this is going to be….*looks at Steve* Please tell me you aren’t in the circus…

Steve: No mame.

Lanai: mame?

Steve: *clears throat* Ms Jarrico.

Lanai: *smiles and nods* So Steve, what is it YOU are bringing to the table?

Steve: I’m sure you are going to do  background checks, so I just wanted to put it out there so there are no surprises….. I was arrested at the Crack Den in 05’ for attempting to solicit a static prostitute. When she didn’t respond to my advances we got into a fistfight with me getting arrested for damaging an unmanned Alt and causing the failing venue to deteriorate even more. Since then, I’ve learned my lesson and I’m now visiting spiritual sims to redeem myself.

Lanai: I knew there was a reason you have a mustache like that!  Is there not one normal person in this room? Steve, I just don’t even have the words to respond to that and I’ve heard a whole lot of crazy ass stories throughout my SLife. Beating up a mannequin has got to be the lowest of the low on the totem pole of stupidity. What exactly are you bringing to the table?

Steve: *runs off crying*

Lanai: *looks at Chocolate Star*

ChocolateStar: * Twirls her hair while chewing gum and snapping selfies*

Lanai: ANYWAY….What a p****y… Alejandro, I’m so disappointed. Are you trying to sabotage Valentine’s Day or is this really the best you can do? You know what? You are all fired! I’m taking on the role of Cupid myself.

Alejandro: But Ms Jarrico….. In the history of Valentine’s Day… There has never been a female Cupid. Are you sure you want to do this?

Lanai: If you don’t get your ass out of here right now… I’m calling Josh.

 Alejandro: Say no more… *gets out in a hurry and take his clown crew with him*

Sorry SLE fans, I tried. I’m not sure I can bring anything to the table as a female Cupid. However, the best I can do is tell you all to find that perfect Valentine on your own and do with them what you want. Keep 'em, love em,  pop out some mesh babies, have a one night stand,  a throuple or do whatever it is you want to do on Valentine’s Day. Just don't go looking for love at an AA meeting.  Be happy, smile and enjoy the day. If you don’t hear the words “I love you….” Then the people around you are missing out on the amazing person you are. Love yourself and cherish it.

Happy Valentine’s day.

Lanai

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INTERVIEW WITH SANTA 2023- Whos being Naughty or Nice?- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...

 

The holiday season is the time of year where people seem to evaluate how naughty or nice they have been as well as determine who gets gifts or a big ol’ lump of coal. This year I had a secret meeting with Santa to try and get an idea of how he rates my conduct this year so I can ... .agree or disagree with his findings in hopes I don’t end up taking hours shoveling the big pile of coal he left in my front yard last year. I personally think he made a mistake and it was meant for a neighbor… He has been very elusive this year and sending all my calls to voicemail so I decided to show up at this house in the North Pole unannounced to have a few words with him.

INTERVIEW WITH SANTA

*LANAI POUNDS ON THE DOOR LIKE THE SLPD* AND PEEKS THROUGH THE WINDOWS*

LANAI: Santa, I know you are in there! I just want to talk to you about a package left in my yard last year in error. It was clearly from you but the shipping fee was way too high to return it.

SANTA: Go away, I do not answer to solicitors.

LANAI: Stop playing, you know exactly who I am. 

SANTA: Lanai, you have got to be the biggest pain in the ass from the time you started walking.  think I don’t remember the child you were back then and the adult version you are today. Now go away! 

LANAI: Sighs. Do I have to remind you of the special brownies I left you instead of stale cookies over the years? What do you think makes you so jolly after stopping at my house on Christmas eve? Are we really going to have this conversation through a door? It’s cold. Let me in!

SANTA: *grumbling* Unlatches about 20 locks* Come in and stop shouting. I don’t need the reindeers knowing about that.

LANAI: It’s nice to see you too. *dusts off the snow and walks inside* So Santa, why do you hold such a grudge against me for every foul thing I may Have done. For every “minor” incident, I do like 20 nice things so stop dumping coal in my yard every year.

SANTA: Lanai, I have covered up for a lot of things you have done like the time you accidentally lit a whole sim on fire trying the magic hud you got for Christmas one year. Or in 2020 when you tried stealing a Christmas tree from the town square and ended up in the paper as the victim.

LANAI: Wasn’t me and the tree thing… I was traumatized! Don’t you have any compassion!

SANTA: Lanai…. You dropped your ID when you hauled ass out of there after the fire, they even got you on video… And you are lucky I pulled some string to have it reported in the newspaper in your favor!

LANAI: Fine. I admit that was an accident. I didn’t know pressing the red button would blow up a whole sim, no one got hurt…. I’ll admit the Christmas tree incident was kinda my fault…Thank you for the cover up but you didn't have to give them a picture to use!

SANTA: Thank goodness no one was hurt either time!  What about the time you cause an all out brawl at an Avatar anonymous meeting with all the holiday mascots. One of them lost a toe in the whole ordeal.

LANAI: Hey, they were already feuding before I got there. I tried to mediate but it got out of hand when cupid tried hitting on me and the Easter Bunny got jealous. Stop bringing up the past, I’m a new woman and I am devoting myself to peace and harmony.

SANTA:  Pfft. the only time the world is at peace and harmony is when you are sleeping! For once take some responsibility for your actions.  You continuously appear at catastrophic events in Second Life, yet none of it is your fault.

LANAI: I agree. I just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m a reporter. That’s usually how it goes. I’m constantly putting myself at the front lines risking my second life and you consider it all my fault!?! Enough about me. What about the time you needed me to talk some sense into Mrs. Clause, she was about to leave your ass for Father time. Or the time you got caught being a peeping tom instead of dropping off gifts at a swingers club which I will not name.

                                                (Lanai talked sense into Mrs. Clause)

SANTA: OMG, lower your voice, Mrs Clause is taking a nap.

LANAI: Santa, If I apologize, will you reconsider giving me my Christmas wish this year? I’m not asking for much.

SANTA: If I consider revising my naughty list for you, will you leave me alone?.... What is it you want?

LANAI: A man. Not just any man though. One who is smart, talented, gifted in specific areas, sexy, and wants only me. A Prince preferably.

Lanai’s dream man

SANTA: You just described Patrick Dempsey aka “MCDreamy”. He was featured in People’s Magazine 2023 as the sexiest man alive ya know. But he’s not a Prince…

LANAI: Are you kidding me? We weren’t even a match on the exclusive dating app Raya! Aside from that he placed 3rd in a Juggling contest back in high school and had aspirations to go to clown College. No thank you.

Just sayin’

SANTA: Fine. Let me see what I can do. Now if that is all you want you don’t have to leave the North Pole but you gots to get the hell out of here before the wife wakes up. You know she thinks we had a thing since that Christmas party back in 2009 when you sat on my lap and started singing “Happy Birthday Mr President”

LANAI: I don’t recall.

SANTA: Yea ok. You know exactly what you were trying to do.

LANAI: *blinks* Give me a little credit. That wasn’t a candy cane in your pocket…

SANTA: Lanai… I know you have a thing for me and all but, I cannot be your Christmas present!

LANAI: Don’t flatter yourself Mr Clause. One of the things I’m looking for is someone hot and I hate to break it to you. I was drunk off Eggnog that night. I’m not going to do this back and forth with you. I’ll be expecting a sexy man wrapped in a big ass bow under my tree Christmas morning. If not, I’m telling Mrs. Clause EVERYTHING! Including your account on squirt.org and about your 7 illegitimate kids that live with Snow White.

SANTA: OK! OK! Does height matter?

Lanai: MMMMhmmmm it sure does. Ok my mission is done here. Merry Christmas Santa, You should treat yourself to something special this year. Like a ticket to Mars on one of those SpaceX rockets. Bye Felicia!

Disclosure: This is a spoof interview. Santa really doesn’t have an account on squirt.org. Lanai was bluffing but perhaps he does since he didn't deny it. Everything he accused Lanai of is fake news. Everything about Patrick Dempsey is true but you can’t always believe everything you read on the internet.

 On behalf of The SL Enquirer, Have a very Merry Christmas and a super fantastic New Year!

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