GET TO THE POLLS AND VOTE! LANAI JARRICO MAKING SL AWESOME AGAIN!

Politics and Religion are the worst conversation starters in any arena if you are not ready to knuckle up with those who do not share your views.  All it does is create drama and chaos, especially with Karens. This is a very important election year and your voice needs to be heard! As you know every vote counts unless you mail in your ballot and it ends up in a pile of ashes because entitled ignoramuses like to start fires in hopes that they make a difference. 

This year we are adding a new candidate to split the chaos right down the middle.  None other than the infamous Lanai Jarrico.  She can hold her own in Second Life with 18 years of experience dealing every f*ckery you can imagine in the virtual world when it comes to speaking her mind and bringing something different to the table.  In light of all the recent events that have been clouding the elections in particular this P. Diddy fiasco that seems to grow every day taking away from the Election Spotlight.  We are asking that no bottles of baby oil be brought to any political events within Second life. We would also like to kindly ask that anyone wishing to storm the Sl Enquirer Media Center with any insurrection rhetoric, you will be automatically given a lifetime ban and clowned hard in a griefer police report.

President Self Elect, Lanai Jarrico promises very important reforms that will enhance your Second life experience and protect the good people of this global community. She believes in the right to protect yourself. She doesn't own a gun .. yet but she holds a pen that would slice through a crowd like butter so rest assured you have a guardian in the virtual world that will serve and protect you by any virtual world storytelling means necessary.

Her first day in office she will sign executive orders on the following topics to ensure every breedable pet is safe and unharmed by anyone looking for a cheap meal.  

When it comes to the economy. To each their own.  If it's a strip pole, you get to keep all your tips! Pimps and hoes will have the same rights!

 Land Barons can continue to hike up home rental prices all they want. It’s cheaper to be a premium member and get a free Linden Home… just sayin.

For the whole month of November anyone who messages lanai Jarrico with “ I voted for you!”, will receive a FREE One Month Ad. (Limited space available.. First come first serve!)

Broke Newbies will no longer be frowned upon for begging for lindens. The SL Enquirer has job opportunities so send the broke avies to us! We  also promise free shoes. 

Next order of business will be making sure every avatar is treated with the same respect received. Lanai will practice the golden rule until the opposite party forfeits their right to be treated with respect.  There goes the Grid Wide Peace talk.

Griefers who continue to harass others and create issues for no apparent reason will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the non existent law and will receive a lifetime archived SLE police report that will tarnish their avatar name and reputation forcing them to create an ALT with the same consequences. That’s Griefer Reform!

UFOS ARE REAL, There goes your full disclosure. If you ever looked up at the sky and said WTF is that? Then you my friend… saw an unidentified flying object.

I just want to end this with a very important quote. Presidents come and go… WU TANG FOREVER B*TCHES!

VOTE FOR LANAI JARRICO FOR UNOFFICIAL PRESIDENT OF SECOND LIFE!

This message is approved by the SL Enquirer

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The Secret Escort that goes above and beyond for her Clients- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...

As you all know, Second life is like a never ending Spring Break for many who like to let their hair down and get a little wild and crazy all from the comfort of their favorite gaming chair or worn out couch.  The best part is you get to be a real freak and no one in your real life has to know!

I met up with “Jaylan” who would like to remain anonymous due to her high end escorting career in Second life. She has graced the grid for many years mastering her craft and leaving clients stunned and coming back for more. I was intrigued by her service menu and at first thought it was a joke but turns out she is the real deal that carries herself with grace and absolutely no shame.

Lanai: Hi Jaylan, thank you for meeting with me. I know you have a very tight schedule!

Jaylan:  Hi Lanai, it has been a long time since I’ve seen you. I remember taking a pole dancing lesson with you in my newbie days. Weren’t you the one who got her strappy sandals caught on the pole and it took 4 bouncers to unravel you? You took a hard fall that day, I’m surprised you can even speak or walk.  I always wondered what happened to you.   I’m glad to see all your hard work paid off and you are a reporter now.

Lanai: *blinks*  Remind me to omit the bit about the failed pole dancing endeavor… Don’t judge me! Anyway back to you and your successful career!

Jaylan:  OK, lol. So what would you like to know? I’ll share some valuable secrets but not all!

Lanai: Well, let's begin with how you got started. Maybe it will inspire other struggling escorts in Second life?

Jaylan:  It all began right after taking a pole dancing job at a shabby little hole in the wall which I refuse to name drop for street cred. The owner ended up robbing me for all of my tips by secretly adding an alpha layer over my tip jar. When I confronted him, he canned me and I was struggling to pay my tier. I bumped into an old flame who reminded me just how awesome I was at edging and this certain thing I do that he was unable to find in other girls he dated.  He became my practice partner until his nagging RL wife caught him rubbing one out in the basement and I never saw him again… the rest is history!

Lanai: Well damn, I’m sure that happens a lot. People need to learn how to lock a door and have a knock policy.  So he was your pimp? It's OK, it's totally legal in Second life.

Jaylan:  I guess you can call him that…But just like the culture in SL, we move on fast. Kinda like speed dating on steroids.

Lanai: I agree. So, tell me a little bit about the services you offer. I’m looking at this notecard and it sounds like a joke. Is there really such a thing called the.. *looks closely at the notecard* a… Backwards camel hopscotch, which you charge a whopping 5000L for?

Jaylan:  OMG, that is the best seller right there!  First you have to be very flexible. Not everyone is cut out for it but those that can handle it limp away with a huge smile. I don’t want to describe it because I’m currently working on a patent but, make sure you got lots of lube and a quarter…

Lanai: Yikes, sounds sorta like one of those cheap rides at the county fair…

Jaylan:  I don’t know what kind of fairs you go to but this service definitely gives you your Lindens worth!

Lanai: Ok moving on to The Boogie Man in spandex for 3652L. What can you tell me about that?

Jaylan: Well that one is more of a roleplay/ foreplay service. I personally don’t care for the spandex but you would be amazed how many couples come to me to assist them with it.  It only works with the lights out so a majority of the time, I see nothing, I can just tell they are getting what they paid for by the sounds produced by both parties. 

Lanai: Interesting. It definitely sounds like you're making a killing with these special services! Ok, next on your service menu is Jump slap bootie clap wham bam thank you ma'am for 500L? What’s that about?

Jaylan: Sure am.  This service is exactly what it sounds like. Some people just love abuse. Can’t hate on that. Those requests are usually by men who get dumped and are looking for a quick fix rebound if you know what I mean. 

Lanai: I’m not exactly sure I do but Ok. Next up, Flip flop patty wack give me the bone for a whopping 9005L! 

Jaylan:  OK this one is reserved for my elite clientele. The ones who are most successful in Second life and come from a variety of businesses, mainly sim owners and in the top 5 best brands on the Grid. I take special care to accommodate them during their rare free time. The last client that experienced “the bone” as I like to call it, was so pleased by it that they referred a couple of friends and now they request it regularly! 

Lanai: ahhh, that still doesn't explain anything but I’m sure it will pique some curiosities amongst our readers.

Jaylan: Well, if you refer a friend , just give them the discount code” Bone Lanai” and I will take good care of them. I’m sure you have friends in high places.

Lanai: Absolutely not! Can you give me a more discrete discount code.. Something like GetBoned or something. I don’t think I want my name associated with whatever eyes wide shut campaign you got going on.

Jaylan: lol Ok done. Just remind them to take some extra strength Ibuprofen a half an hour before their service.

Lanai: I don’t even know what to say to that but Ok. We are at the second to last service on this list. What can you tell me about  Bitch slap weasel squeal bareback moooo for 7000L

Jaylan: This service is a tricky one and  it requires 2-3 assistants for a group of 3 or more so the price can vary. I also included a bonus to anyone in the group that doesn’t pass out first within the first 3 minutes. Don’t worry I always have a paramedic on call for any of the services I provide and they sign an NDA.

Lanai: Oh well that sounds pretty ummm…. Safe I guess. Just out of curiosity have you ever been sued?

Jaylan: I can't speak on cases still pending , I’m sorry. But I will say this. Stretching and taking pain killers prior to services is highly recommended.

Lanai: Well at least you take some precautions…. Ok last service on your list… The forrest gump bump bump bam boom for 250L

Jaylan: It’s an additional add on to any of the services. I’m thinking about changing the name since nobody is into Forrest Gump anymore. I was thinking about renaming it the Shocka Deluxe if the name isn’t already patented.

Lanai: Is it fair to say it has something to do with hanging loose?

Jaylan: Exactly, but there is more to it then 2 fingers and a thumb…

Lanai: Well I have to say, this was a very… informative and interesting interview. Thank you for sharing your services and expertise in your unique craft. Is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers before we go our separate ways?

Jaylan: Actually I do while I have this very public platform. Whoever keeps sending me bags of D*cks, please stop. I have no control of spouses who use my services behind their significant others backs, nor am I responsible for oops pregnancies in group services and accidental fungal STD’s. That guy in New York has never used our services!

Lanai: OK Then…. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I hope you have a very prosperous year and we can meet up again for updates!

Jaylan: I look forward to it. Thank you Lanai!

—---------------------------------------------------------

Jaylan’s Full service Menu Notecard

Thank you for your interest in this ridiculously sexy body of mine and my services. You are correct, you will not find anything in Second Life that would blow your wig back like I do. You came to the right avie.

I've taken the liberty of providing you with the best rates in Second Life for the following:

 Backwards camel hopscotch.................5000L

 

 The Boogie Man in spandex.....................3652L

 

  Jump slap bootie clap wham bam thank you maam........500L

 

 Flip flop patty wack give me the bone............9005L

 Bitch slap weasel squeal bareback moooo..........7000L

 

 The forrest gump bump bump bam boom....250L

 

*Maximum Strength Ibuprofen is highly recommended before and after services.

 

 

 

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Misadventures of Fetish Club Hoppin’ in SL- Lanai Jarrico

Ever hear of vore RP?  No? Me either up until recently after 18 years in SL.  Let me explain…. I went out for a night on the town with Josh, my top writer as my wingman. He told me I need some excitement in my SLife. I agree but daaaaamn. I’m down for being spanked and getting my hair pulled and all that kinky stuff but this little tiny lizard approached me in a club and asked if I ever did vore rp. I stood there perplexed and felt like a deer in headlights in the middle of the dancefloor and nearly stepped on the Geico lookin mascot.

[19:59] “Little Lizard”: Hey, do you rp vore? :)

[20:00] Lanai Jarrico: What is that?

[20:01] “Little Lizard”: Vore is a roleplay where you'd swallow a micro like me whole. There is no chewing/scat or anything of the sort. It can be sexual and can involve other fetishes such as sub/domme or feet. It's fun to try if you think you'd consider trying sometime?

[20:03] Lanai Jarrico: um never heard of it and not sure thats something id like to try. [20:03] “Little Lizard”: No worries, perhaps another time.

It sounds like a choking hazard. I doubt I’ll change my mind…

Josh AKA “Wingman”:  OMG.  The Boss is feeling “feisty”  I remember the last time this happened, she ended up being banned from THREE regions.  Now Lizard Boy has her thinking is it her MOUTH he wants access to. Can’t let that happen again! Why isn’t there a mongoose around to take care of this pest? I’ll just stick close and keep an eye on things.”

 I have to admit, I am rusty at my approach and how I react to being accosted by men… err lizards in clubs. In this case a booger sized lizard at my feet. With my wingman in tow, I felt safe enough to move along to average sized avatars and randomly approach  men and throw cheesy unsolicited lines at them to see what sticks. On top of that, I was sober…. So this went as well as one could expect from someone who hasn't been on the dating scene in a long time.

Josh: OK…this might not be so bad.  One or two quick dances, and then I will try and steer her back home where she can sleep it off. Not sure if she’ll go.  She has been raving all night about some “incredible edibles”  whatever THAT is.  Must be some new kind of candy.

I couldn't help myself when I spotted a handsome avie by the name of Dany pop lockin and droppin it on the dancefloor. I just had to IM him as I stood close to Josh for moral support and an easy escape plan.

It went a little something like this…lets just call him …Dany.

[20:27] Lanai Jarrico: Hey Dany, are you into sucking mayonnaise covered toes?

[20:28] Dany : haahahahaha don't know never tried that

[20:29] Lanai Jarrico: Bring tomatoes and a slice of cheese and we can make a cheap sandwich

[20:30] Dany: and who is bringing bread

[20:30] Lanai Jarrico: I said cheap lmao

OK it’s obvious, I don’t have any game and I can’t be taken seriously sober ... .Josh grabbed my hand and got me out of there before a food fetish fight broke out.

Next stop was DSC ake Dog Sex Club. I’m not sure why I even landed there but it happened. I mean… I am a pet lover like the next person but  this place was definitely not for me…. I was gone before anybody said a word.  I think you need a rabies shot to cross the yellow ban lines.

However, It did get a glimpse of what appeared to be a wolf standing upright in a speedo next to a scantily clad bunny rabbit. I didn’t stick around long enough to see what happens when a wolf meets a rabbit. Something tells me… it would have gotten really ugly and I would have been traumatized for the rest of my Slife.

Josh:  Yeah.  Thank goodness we didn’t stay long, and the SL Enquirer budget did not allow us to o cheap to spring for the 150L Group joining fee.  I guess she could have handled the Dalmations if push came to shove…..but it got really sketchy when I saw her being eyed by a couple of Clydsdales. Time to skedaddle,. That’s for sure!

Next stop The Cuckholding Wife…

Ahhhh yes! What strong minded woman wouldnt want to collar her man and make him watch as she did the nasty with a random dude and then make him clean up the mess. I had to break the ice…but just before I could muster up another embarrassing pick up line… I got an IM from  “Roam”. Here's how that went down.

[20:51] Roam:  good evening

[20:52] Lanai Jarrico: Hello to you

[20:52] Roam: how are you doing?

[20:53] Lanai Jarrico: I'm great. How do you feel about rolling in canola oil and spam while pouring hot sauce all over me?

[20:53] Roam: here for a story or pleasure?

[20:53] Lanai Jarrico: both

Sighs… I don’t think fetish club hopping is my thing. I just don’t know how to act.

Josh AKA “Wingman”: Whew.  Finally dragged her out of there. Now she wants to go to a place called Maui

OK, One last hurrah before I commit myself to just being a reporter and trying to keep myself out of trouble….

Josh AKA “Wingman”:  Finally!  The LAST stop of the night. A place called Maui Swinger Resort.  Arghghghg.  She actually asked me if there were teeter totters and slides in addition to the “swings”? Geeeeze.  That woman is going to get in serious trouble out here…and not by any kindergarten cops on the playground.

I put my Novice tag on and stripped down to a Bikini. The music was good and I was workin the boardwalk dancefloor with my best hip hop dance moves. I was feeling good and trying to read the room. Not much was happening except for a bunch of avatars in IMz standing around, some getting it on on the scattered beach chairs and beds and others just chillin at the bar. It didn't take long before the IMz started rolling in. One was surprised that I was “still” a Novice looking as good as I did and he offered to “help me out”. Apparently you have to gain referrals by givin up the goods and demonstrating your emote skills to a Maui Swinger in order to move on up the slut chain.  I aint about that fuckery so I called it a night and took my sorry ass to bed.

Wingman Josh:  OK.  Finally got her settled down.  I am torn in my duties as Wingman.  Do I stay with her and give my intimidating stare at any jerk who tries to get close?  Or do I move away and watch her from a block away, scoping out any who approach her and doing a quick background investigation using the Linden Lab police records so I can toss any obvious bad actors?  Just as things are settling down, she tells me she just got a IM from some dude she used to date named “XXX” and he wants her to “come back to his skybox to see his etchings.  OMG!  ETCHINGS?  This guy sounds like a reject from the cast of Saturday Night Live. Crap…She’s going with him.  I guess I will have to wait and get a full debirie tomorrow. 

Last night got nowhere fast, the “candy” I had before my outing with Josh was wearing out and I found myself yawning uncontrollably while “XXX” whispered sweet nothings in my ear. Nothing happened… I promise. I basically wished him a good night and went home, laid in bed and added an entry to my diary.

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WINTER THEMED SHIT TO DO IN SECOND LIFE- The Grinch Reporting…

The Grinch here…. That pain in the ass reporter Lanai offered me some community service by putting together this extremely irritating collection of sh*t to do in Second Life.  Instead of going around the grid and doing something nice to a bunch of random avatars, why not kill all the birds with one big fat stone!

  I know all you virtual knuckleheads are littering the grid with your presence and spending countless hours standing around trying to figure out what to do next. Well I’m here to help only because I don’t have anything worse to do…I have a court order to find my holiday spirit. I’d rather be racking up  at a wine & spirits whilst wasting this season away in a drunken stupor.  *grumbles* HOWEVER, here goes my contributions to the Second Life community.  You’re welcome…

SNOWBALL FIGHTS AND SLEIGH RIDE TOURS!

Visit Seasons Change at Blissful Dreams and flex that good throwing arm and bash in a few skulls with a snowball fight. (I’d pack a rock in it personally but a reindeer pellet is just as effective… If you aren’t in the mood for that, there’s always a good ol’ fashioned sleigh ride tour for exploring this embarrassing beautiful sim! The best part is your view is a horse's ass….You’re welcome.

Description: Winter, Christmas,  dancing, ice skating, snow, snowball fights, sleigh rides, Santa Claus, Tree Farm, church, photos, photography, exploring.

Please change WL / Day Cycle to Shared Environment, /*Sky: "Phototools Moon Light

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Blissful%20Dreams/125/208/27

COEUR LAC D’ANNECY SUMMIT SKI LIFT RESORT

FFS, Why on Linden's pixelated grid would anybody want to strap a set of sticks on and plunge headfirst down a mountain… OHHHH wait, that could be entertaining if there were lots of trees. I’d pay for tickets to see a bunch of avies bounce around like pinballs. 

Description: The summit ski lift station is your drop off point for skiing adventures! Walk or ski down the ramps to the ski lodge. From there, use the western slope for Slalom timed runs. The eastern slope is for freestyle skiing for 1 to 8 skiers. Snowmobiles too!

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Coeur%20Lac%20Annecy/51/21/2179

ICE SKATING AT SEASIDE ICE!

What an oxymoron this is…Ice skating seaside. Why not attempt ice surfing? 

Ice Skating can be a serious sport in real life if you suck at keeping your balance like a runway model wearing 8 inch high stilettos but have no fear in Second Life, you can’t break an ankle or two!  Better yet break a leg and check out Seaside Ice, strap on those ice skates and get your swan dance going across this frozen pond! Don’t tell em’ I sent you.

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Sailors%20Cove/98/181/23

Broke for the holidays and don’t have ice skates? DSL got that covered with HUDS and Rezzers on the cheap.

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Pandorus/243/122/37

LOOKING FOR AN ALL IN ONE PLACE TO SKI, SNOWBOARD OR PLAY SOME HOCKEY?

I can’t stand Lanai, she always has to be in the middle of pictures like she's some sort of superstar or something…. Anyway, Check out Spectators Section- Cleary Arena! There’s all kinds of sh*t to do at this winter sports community. Go play some hockey and get a bunch of teeth knocked out.

Description: Welcome, friends! Enjoy FREE ICE SKATING, SKIING, SNOWBOARDING, SKI JUMP,  ICE HOCKEY! Play or watch GOHA ice hockey and other winter activities. New residents, freebies, sports, and a myriad of winter fun awaits you. Home of Winterfest 2010.

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Cross%20Check/121/200/42

WINTER FUN AND GAMES AT NYSHALA

It’s all fun and games until someone loses a toe or an eye or both! Check it out but don’t say I didn’t threaten you with a good time. If you see me at Whoville, don’t ask for a selfie with me. I don’t know you or like you! 

TING  BOWLING MINI GOLF  BUMPER CARS DEMO DERBY.  RELAX, HANG OUT, DANCE. GAMES GREEDY, PENTADEE CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY AND MORE

http://maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Nyshala/137/138/22

Ok you little wastes of cyberspace, I did a lot of the footwork for winter activities in Second Life. If you still haven’t found something fun to do this winter, reevaluate your SL situation and get back to basics with an Atari!

-The Grinch

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INTERVIEW WITH SANTA 2023- Whos being Naughty or Nice?- Lanai Jarrico Reporting...

 

The holiday season is the time of year where people seem to evaluate how naughty or nice they have been as well as determine who gets gifts or a big ol’ lump of coal. This year I had a secret meeting with Santa to try and get an idea of how he rates my conduct this year so I can ... .agree or disagree with his findings in hopes I don’t end up taking hours shoveling the big pile of coal he left in my front yard last year. I personally think he made a mistake and it was meant for a neighbor… He has been very elusive this year and sending all my calls to voicemail so I decided to show up at this house in the North Pole unannounced to have a few words with him.

INTERVIEW WITH SANTA

*LANAI POUNDS ON THE DOOR LIKE THE SLPD* AND PEEKS THROUGH THE WINDOWS*

LANAI: Santa, I know you are in there! I just want to talk to you about a package left in my yard last year in error. It was clearly from you but the shipping fee was way too high to return it.

SANTA: Go away, I do not answer to solicitors.

LANAI: Stop playing, you know exactly who I am. 

SANTA: Lanai, you have got to be the biggest pain in the ass from the time you started walking.  think I don’t remember the child you were back then and the adult version you are today. Now go away! 

LANAI: Sighs. Do I have to remind you of the special brownies I left you instead of stale cookies over the years? What do you think makes you so jolly after stopping at my house on Christmas eve? Are we really going to have this conversation through a door? It’s cold. Let me in!

SANTA: *grumbling* Unlatches about 20 locks* Come in and stop shouting. I don’t need the reindeers knowing about that.

LANAI: It’s nice to see you too. *dusts off the snow and walks inside* So Santa, why do you hold such a grudge against me for every foul thing I may Have done. For every “minor” incident, I do like 20 nice things so stop dumping coal in my yard every year.

SANTA: Lanai, I have covered up for a lot of things you have done like the time you accidentally lit a whole sim on fire trying the magic hud you got for Christmas one year. Or in 2020 when you tried stealing a Christmas tree from the town square and ended up in the paper as the victim.

LANAI: Wasn’t me and the tree thing… I was traumatized! Don’t you have any compassion!

SANTA: Lanai…. You dropped your ID when you hauled ass out of there after the fire, they even got you on video… And you are lucky I pulled some string to have it reported in the newspaper in your favor!

LANAI: Fine. I admit that was an accident. I didn’t know pressing the red button would blow up a whole sim, no one got hurt…. I’ll admit the Christmas tree incident was kinda my fault…Thank you for the cover up but you didn't have to give them a picture to use!

SANTA: Thank goodness no one was hurt either time!  What about the time you cause an all out brawl at an Avatar anonymous meeting with all the holiday mascots. One of them lost a toe in the whole ordeal.

LANAI: Hey, they were already feuding before I got there. I tried to mediate but it got out of hand when cupid tried hitting on me and the Easter Bunny got jealous. Stop bringing up the past, I’m a new woman and I am devoting myself to peace and harmony.

SANTA:  Pfft. the only time the world is at peace and harmony is when you are sleeping! For once take some responsibility for your actions.  You continuously appear at catastrophic events in Second Life, yet none of it is your fault.

LANAI: I agree. I just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m a reporter. That’s usually how it goes. I’m constantly putting myself at the front lines risking my second life and you consider it all my fault!?! Enough about me. What about the time you needed me to talk some sense into Mrs. Clause, she was about to leave your ass for Father time. Or the time you got caught being a peeping tom instead of dropping off gifts at a swingers club which I will not name.

                                                (Lanai talked sense into Mrs. Clause)

SANTA: OMG, lower your voice, Mrs Clause is taking a nap.

LANAI: Santa, If I apologize, will you reconsider giving me my Christmas wish this year? I’m not asking for much.

SANTA: If I consider revising my naughty list for you, will you leave me alone?.... What is it you want?

LANAI: A man. Not just any man though. One who is smart, talented, gifted in specific areas, sexy, and wants only me. A Prince preferably.

Lanai’s dream man

SANTA: You just described Patrick Dempsey aka “MCDreamy”. He was featured in People’s Magazine 2023 as the sexiest man alive ya know. But he’s not a Prince…

LANAI: Are you kidding me? We weren’t even a match on the exclusive dating app Raya! Aside from that he placed 3rd in a Juggling contest back in high school and had aspirations to go to clown College. No thank you.

Just sayin’

SANTA: Fine. Let me see what I can do. Now if that is all you want you don’t have to leave the North Pole but you gots to get the hell out of here before the wife wakes up. You know she thinks we had a thing since that Christmas party back in 2009 when you sat on my lap and started singing “Happy Birthday Mr President”

LANAI: I don’t recall.

SANTA: Yea ok. You know exactly what you were trying to do.

LANAI: *blinks* Give me a little credit. That wasn’t a candy cane in your pocket…

SANTA: Lanai… I know you have a thing for me and all but, I cannot be your Christmas present!

LANAI: Don’t flatter yourself Mr Clause. One of the things I’m looking for is someone hot and I hate to break it to you. I was drunk off Eggnog that night. I’m not going to do this back and forth with you. I’ll be expecting a sexy man wrapped in a big ass bow under my tree Christmas morning. If not, I’m telling Mrs. Clause EVERYTHING! Including your account on squirt.org and about your 7 illegitimate kids that live with Snow White.

SANTA: OK! OK! Does height matter?

Lanai: MMMMhmmmm it sure does. Ok my mission is done here. Merry Christmas Santa, You should treat yourself to something special this year. Like a ticket to Mars on one of those SpaceX rockets. Bye Felicia!

Disclosure: This is a spoof interview. Santa really doesn’t have an account on squirt.org. Lanai was bluffing but perhaps he does since he didn't deny it. Everything he accused Lanai of is fake news. Everything about Patrick Dempsey is true but you can’t always believe everything you read on the internet.

 On behalf of The SL Enquirer, Have a very Merry Christmas and a super fantastic New Year!

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