AVIE POLL: IF YOU ARE MARRIED IN REAL LIFE, AND PARTNER IN SL, IS IT CONSIDERED CHEATING? - JOSH (THOMAS1 BELLIC)

So...this question has been asked at least once, and probably a couple dozen times, by every married guy or gal shortly after setting pixelated foot on the SL Grid. In keeping with SLE’s desire to remain relevant to the population we serve, we thought it would be interesting to make this ubiquitous question the subject of this month’s SLE Poll.  This proved to be a particularly easy question to ask, but difficult to get answers. Almost universally, whenever I posed the question, people had an opinion, but very few were willing to share it. So, My hat’s off to those intrepid few who dared to answer, and even more so to those who wished to be identified with their answer. So then...with that in mind….Let the Games Begin!

When asked, “If you are married in Real Life, and partner in SecondLife, is it cheating?, the first respondent had a very thoughtful answer.

Anonymous, SL Resident, (9 years 11 months; 3650 days)

“I feel my partner in sl just adds more enrichment to my real life.  Perhaps in many ways it fill in little little holes that even a happy marriage can have.  I have a very happy rl marriage, and my adventures in sl bleed out into my rl marriage. My exploration of bondage has lead to me exploring that with my husband, who was eager to take part.  He must wonder and realize what I may be doing in sl, but he knows I am happy and continue to make him happy. I in no way have a partner in sl to replace what I have in rl. Its a balance one has to be mature enough to engage in and have a big enough heart for, to keep that way.”  

Another respondent was equally circumspect.

Lora B. , SecondLife Resident, (12 years 8 months; 4643 days)

“I am happy to tell you my answer....  SL is an alternate existence, we can live by the same compass we use in RL or we can treat this world the way some people treat a video game.... there are video games where you engage in war and pretend to kill people... and video games where you pretend to steal things... I think those people are not truly murderers or thieves.... any more than the married people who are partnered here are unfaithful.... I dont agree with people who believe any division of the heart or mind away from a lawful spouse is infidelity...”

The next two responders brought a unique perspective to the question, since they are actually a RL married couple, as well as SL partners.

Kale Rayne, DJ, Owner Teaser's Lounge & Den (8 years 4 months; 3052 days)

“We are married in both RL and SL Delilah and I. To answer the question, I state this: I encourage her to play at her choosing whether I am present or not. The only thing I ask is that she tell me of her adventures if I am not present or online. She has told me every time therefore she is not cheating on me since I encourage her to play. Our relationship is defined as a Stag and Vixen whereas she may have different lovers and I do not touch any other woman , at times I may watch or even join in if all are willing. Now if at anytime she hides her adventures to me then yes that is cheating, but the trust I have in her is what she cherishes most . We have been together for 8 years plus in SL and she has never cheated.”

Delilah Rayne, Hostess, Co-Owner Teaser's Lounge & Den,  (8 years 11 months; 3270 days)

“No it is not cheating if your RL partner knows about it and is okay with it.  If its done behind your RL partners back and they are not aware then yes its considered cheating in our opinion.

This next couple were also in complete agreement

Richh Devin,  Builder of Dreams, Club Owner (11 years 10 months; 4345 days)

Alexxxa Devin) SL DJ and Hostess  (9 years 5 months; 3447 days)

“As long as both are on same page about SL, then no, it is most definitely NOT cheating.   Communication is key in both worlds.”

This next answer come from one who was holding one of those Magic 8-Balls.  She repeated my question for the benefit of the ball, and responded accordingly with a very reasonable and straightforward  response.

Hunnydumpling  O'Magah, SL Resident (8 years 7 months; 3140 days)

“After consulting my oracle I believe that partnering someone is cheating while just screwing them is not. TYVM”

While the responders answered some variation of the “it’s not cheating” theme, there was one particularly outspoken proponent of the opposite view.

Lisa Icandia,  Renaissance Woman, (9 years 2 months; 3364 days)

“Of course it is cheating unless you have lost all morality from sight. You are emotionally cheating on your real life partner. She/He may be sexually uninspired or fat or old but you're married. You are giving laughter, joy, fun, understanding and time to a total stranger who is a well made and sexy cartoon and is only made of pixel dust. And 9.5 times out of 10 it will end in one of you leaving SL or blocking the other person or cheating on that avatar along with your real life partner. But we ignore that it's cheating, don't we, because we love the thrill of the chase and we love feeling loved and as if we are young and beautiful and viable. There are no real obligations in here to mow the lawn or cook or clean house or bathe or go to work each day so we can always be charming and perfect spouses in SL even though we are not in real life. It's ALL an illusion!”

Often times when I asked a potential respondent, several answered that they did not feel comfortable answering the question, but would love to read the final poll results and asked that they be notified when it went to press.

S  male, (4 years 8 months; 1727 days)

“ummmm...I suspect if you are married in RL and partnered here the odds are that you are going to say no to cheating but I look forward to seeing the results.”

So there you have it folks...as many different answers as there were individuals who answered.  So then. What do YOU think? Leave a comment.

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Cheater's High - Relationship Challenge- Seersha Heart Reporting…

            Many of us are in or have been in a monogamous relationship at one time or another in SL.  Relationships are perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of living in SL.  In a virtual relationship we can only rely on IMs, text messages in world, to gage who a person is in SL.  With the amount of people who live in SL, it would seem counter intuitive that most people are honest.  Why not be honest in our virtual world?  You can be anyone or anything, right?  Unfortunately for those seeking honest friendships and relationships there are SL residents who are dishonest about their relationships and their fidelity.  There are many respected studies of the “Cheater’s High”.  This cheater’s high is the emotional boost someone receives when they successfully deceive another person.  And yes, this is a “thing”, the cheater’s high is real.  Those I spoke to experience the cheater’s high by telling me their stories.  All names and identifying information has been changed to protect the contributor.

            Andyy Oh has his SL time all figured out.  He told me he has the best of both worlds.  Partnered to a woman since 2012 he considers that his main relationship.  By most metrics it is a perfect relationship.  He lives in England, she lives in Ohio.  When she finishes her work day in RL she goes home to log into SL.  This is late afternoon early evening for her, for him it is late evening.  They see each other almost every day at their SL home.  However, what she doesn’t know is that Andyy has a second life IN second life.  When he went mesh in 2015 he made a new avi under a new account.  Initially he planned to experiment with that avi and that account but remain on most days Andyy.  For a few weeks this worked as he experimented with the design of the avi.  He also found that building as this new avi gave him quiet and time to concentrate.  He told me he told his partner about this avi, but they never discussed it further. 

            This “quiet” that Andyy experienced while in his ALT account as Hectortst came from the fact he didn’t have any friends with the ALT account.  One day while building in a sandbox a woman approached him and asked him a few questions about his project.  He said it was very exciting to be someone no one knew.  He had a couple hours every day before his partner logged into SL.  He had been using the time to build and to explore a bit.  When this woman chatted him, he saw no harm in joining her a club he had never heard of before.  His new life, his alter ALT had a life blossom easily for Andyy.  His days evolved into a couple hours as Hectortst then the evening as Andyy with his partner.  Hectortst is a different version of Andyy.  Hectortst is “single for life” and a playboy.  I asked Andyy if he was worried about getting caught.  He told me it would never happen.  He insists he is a caring and loving partner and that this isn’t really cheating.  He told me it “doesn’t really count” as he doesn’t have any steady relationships with women as Hectortst.

            It is safe to say that Andyy has not yet read Huckleberry Hax’s series AFK.  If he had, he would learn that Huck seems to know quite a few ways a person may get caught even as an ALT.  You can change the avi and the account, but the RL person behind both remains the same.  People repeat patterns, go places, say things that are similar regardless of account.  Thinking of this I asked Andyy one more question, “has your partner ever met Hectortst?”.  My IM went silent with this question.  After about fifteen minutes he IMed me back and said “yes”.  Maybe he felt guilty for this digression.  I only asked questions and listened.  Leaving the IM silent worked for me.  Andyy told me a short story of how his partner met Hectortst.  He said he purposely went to a club that Andyy and his partner frequented.  The prior night Andyy had told his partner that he would not be online the next day planning out his meeting with her.  Before he walked into “their” club Andyy realized his Hectortst was a very attractive avi perhaps more than Andyy himself.  He went into the club [as Hectortst] and sat at the bar while the DJ played.  She wasn’t there at the bar as he had hoped so he waited.  It took three separate times before Hectortst was there at the same time as Andyy’s partner.  Andyy told me his anxiety grew with each try.  He wondered if his partner was with someone else while he was Hectortst.  He wondered if his partner would flirt with Hectortst.

            By the time Hectortst met his partner Andyy was a basket case of worry.  He regained his confidence when she walked into the club one night.  Finally, his big moment came when he IMed her.  Would she flirt back or ignore him or what???  Andyy confessed that he had thought about having an affair with his own partner as Hectortst if she was interested.  Andyy had moved from a few dalliances to full on manipulation mode.  What happened wasn’t any scenario he predicted.  His RL began more demanding so he only had time for Andyy not Hectortst.  He stopped talking to me after his huge manipulation confession, so I don’t know what happened.  Honestly at this point I would rather not know.

            Women are dishonest in SL relationships too.  Chrissy Aeon has a different system that Andyy’s but seems to successfully have a couple lives in SL.  Currently without a partner, Chrissy says she has partnered before and plans to partner again someday soon.  She wants a partner who has limited SL time, such as only weekend, certain nights, basically a predictable schedule.  She loves having a partner, that someone special, to spend time with in SL.  What she also does is provide and escort service as well as serve as a “slave” to a Gorean man.  There is the “hi I’m Chrissy” woman, the “hi check my picks for gifts” woman and the first girl of Gorean land owner.  I could not keep track of our conversation in a way that I can convey how she does this in SL.  She is sweet, funny and seems to have it all figured out.  She sees no problem with all these lives existing with one avi.  I would agree that there isn’t a problem either, SL is what you make of it.  However, I asked her if she tells her boyfriends about the escorting and the Gorean RP.  To this she said, “no WAY”.  Now that, for many, is a problem.

            I spoke to seven SL residents who in some way are deceiving their partner or love interest.  What I didn’t hear from any of the people I spoke to was guilt.  None of them seemed to feel badly for being deceptive.  Perhaps given I posted my inquiry on Facebook, perhaps only those who felt no guilt would seek me out.  I found myself feeling worse each time I spoke to someone.  It was as if reliving the deception was a thrill.  I asked each one a couple of questions.  These are the questions and the results from my small group;

•      What is a ‘partner’ in SL?  [most frequent answer was a partner is your spouse or number 1 person]

•      What would you do if you learned your partner was deceiving you?  [surprisingly 5 of the 7 said that their partner would never deceive them]

•      Does telling your story make you feel better, worse or the same for deceiving your partner?  [ 3 argued that they weren’t really deceiving their partner/bf/gf, 2 the same, 2 enjoyed talking about it]

Each person was promised anonymity.  I also told each person I would write the story my way using the information they provided.  Only one person asked if they could read an advance copy of this article.  I said no.  What I learned to put this together was deception takes a lot of time and a lot of energy.  There are no specific clues that seem to make one person more likely than another to be deceptive in SL.  I am confident that the deceptive people are the minority here, or rather the long term deceptive practices are few.  Most people are upfront about what they hope for in their lives here.  And in the end, you do your best to get to know someone then…. make a leap of faith.

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AVIE POLL: Cheating in SL- Keep Them Or Lose them?- Dragonmaster Mistwalker Reporting...

                          
I have seen many discussions started by a simple Truthball question.  Is sex in SL considered cheating if you are married in RL or does it count because it`s just an avatar? Also,  should you dump the person or forgive them? 

The way I see it is if both parties know what the other is doing in SL, they have rules, boundaries and they are adhered that is not cheating.

 However, if one side of the couple is doing it behind the others back or lying to either their partner or the person they are doing things with in second life that is cheating. 

So. that being said I`m heading out to get opinions from Sl residents about how they would handle lying and cheating.


Dragon Mistwalker (dragonmaster.mistwalker): if you partner cheats on you would you forgive them or would you dump them?

finn Somerset: hmmm, I would dump him...nods.

Dragon Mistwalker (dragonmaster.mistwalker): if your partner cheats on you would you forgive them or  dump them?

LYN (littlelyn.claremont): dump them.

Dragon Mistwalker (dragonmaster.mistwalker): if your partner cheats on you would you forgive them or would you dump them?

MoRgaine (morgaine.faith): It's hard to say... depends on the bond, how long you've been together, your history as a couple... SL can provide a lot of temptation.  Once trust is broken, it's extremely difficult to gain it back.  I guess it really depends on how worth it you feel the relationship is worth fighting for... but that's just me, I'm a romantic at heart. :-).

Olivia

Dragon Mistwalker (dragonmaster.mistwalker): if your partner cheated on you would you forgive them or dump them?

 Olivia (oliviadoolittle): dump them but it depends if I was married to them for 3 years or something I might forgive them.

Dragon Mistwalker (dragonmaster.mistwalker): if your partner cheated on you would you forgive them or dump them?

mustang Silvershade: depends if i can be big enough and forgive.


Dragon Mistwalker (dragonmaster.mistwalker): if your partner cheated on you would you forgive them or dump them?

Dessario: it depends how the relationship was defined... I do not believe monogamy is healthy in the long run, so if we were open I would be okay with it.


For most of the people I talked to they would dump their partner. I would agree that it depends on the relationship and the people involved, how strong the relationship is, and whether you can get past the cheating.

 For some i`m sure forgiving makes for a stronger relationship while for others they can`t deal with the hurt and choose to leave the other person.


What are your thoughts on this topics?

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AVIE POLL: Is Dating in SL Considered Cheating on a RL Significant Other? - Glossom Resident Reporting…

In a world designed for socialization and interaction, it is easy to find people with whom we identify and with whom we create relationships of various kinds. 

The line between fidelity and betrayal is very tenuous. However well intentioned someone is and regardless of our vowed allegiances in RL, the allure of the unknown draws us and our romantic spirits seeks new adventures that can result in parallel relationships between two worlds.

Therefore, when embarking on a virtual relationship are you cheating on your RL significant other? 

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Food for Thought: Alternative Accounts also known as Alts – Ccoursey Reporting…

            Have you ever approached an avatar on Second Life and they already knew you, talked as if they were your best friend, yet you’d never even heard the name mentioned before and/or they were really young compared to the people you are usually around? 

Then they tell you they are the alternative avatar or another, an alt.  We’ve all met one, some don’t even own up to being alts.  When is it time to call your Second Life quits and began anew?   Is there a time?  Why do people make alts?  I’m only four months old and I had an alt for all of a week.  Yes, I was ready to disappear from current radar and drop off the current road I was taking.  A friend made a comment that really stuck with me though:  People who are alts are too cowardly to face the paths they have carved.  True or False?

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AVIE POLL: Controversial Topic- Married and Dating In SL- Jessi2009 Warrol Reporting…

Dating in Second Life can have its ups and downs and you may run into a variety of couples, including couples who are married in real life, but have relationships or are married in Second Life. This is a subject which is often commented on by many people. Some feel that it is ok to be married in real life and to have a relationship in Second Life, while others may think that if you are married in real life then you should not date or have a relationship in Second Life.

I was able to catch up with three different couples, all of which are married in real life and dating or married in Second Life. Warning the names have been changed to protect the innocent (or married).

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