Love Made in SL logo created by Marianne McCann with permission from Linden Lab
The series kicked off with the fabulous story of residents, Teal and Wolf, whose love story crosses time zones and oceans to reach a very exciting chapter... THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED in real life.
This makes the romance writer in me absolutely extatic. Take a look:
We would love to hear your Love Made In SL story. You can contact Draxtor - @draxtor via twitter or me at lacy.muircastle@gmail.com. We look forward to hearing about your #lovemadeinsl stories.
Second Life fulfils different roles for different people and that is how it should be, but at its very heart, it is a social platform. Socialising can and is interpreted in a variety of ways. Unfortunately for many people, it's as tricky in SL as it is in RL to strike up a conversation with some random person.
Many of you will have had to attend cocktails parties or events in RL where you don't know anyone, and so you hug the walls sipping your Gin and eyeing out who's who over the rim of the oversized glass.
All you want to do is to meet new contacts and make connections. However, the problem is figuring out how to approach people, no matter what the situation.
In my opinion, it's even harder in SL to make new contacts. There are no visual cues or body language to try and read.
I picked up the following threads in an SL forum:
Speaking from a guy's perspective, most guys would be happy to receive a random IM. I have gone many months without a random IM and when I do get one I usually will ask the person if they are actually speaking to me? Hehe. I think the last random IM I received was in early 2017 from a horse avatar asking me where good grazing land might be in SL... Jameson2001
I profile stalk... if I find one that has something I can start a conversation over, I might go ahead and send a message. But the thing is you never know if someone really wants random people messaging them. I really like when people state in their profile 1. If they are open to private messages from new people and 2. If they are only interested in platonic or sexual relationships. I don't like to waste anyone's time. Nalytha
I think this is the sad part of SL that when a guy IM's a girl, it is only for sex. Whatever happened to just chatting with someone about where they are from, complimenting them on their avatar, or asking them what is their favourite part of SL? Conversations are fun between all different types of avatars:) It seems to me that was not as much a problem back in the early days.
Usually, you can tell within the first two sentences if the person you are chatting with is a good conversationalist. What amazes me is the diversity of people I have met this way and the enjoyable conversations that can be had.
If you can get a conversation going it is usually a whole lot of fun and who knows where it may lead.
Let’s take a look at how you can master your people skills to start conversations with anyone, anywhere, anytime in Second Life.
How can you make dazzling conversation with anyone you meet? There is both an art and a science of effective communication.
1. Be Anti-Boring
Everyone starts off conversations the same way. They say, “What do you do?” or “Where are you from?” Instead, ask someone, “What passion projects are you working on?” or “What gets you up in the morning?”
2. Start off Strong
Start off the conversation with a “how” or “why” question. People will give you more thoughtful answers and really think about why you’re asking them. Say, for instance, “How did you find this venue?” That way you’ll learn about the person you’re talking to, as well as possible other places for finding events.
3. Exploration and Adventures
Ask people if they have explored any interesting sims or have had any fun adventures in SL.
4. Foster Excitement
Ask people if anything exciting happened to them that day.
5. Stories
Tell a story. People love funny anecdotes, and it makes your conversation more personal right off the bat.
6. Break it Down
Break down a question for someone. Instead of being general and saying, “How are you doing?,” ask, “How’s Fall treating you so far?” Frame it in the context of time so he or she can thoughtfully answer the question.
7. Be the Highlight
Ask a person, “Have any highlights today?” Not only is this person going to feel good because he or she gets to talk about him or herself, but it also starts off the conversation on a positive note.
8. Like-Dar
Ask a “like radar” question. This is a question that will highlight what you two have in common. For example, you might ask, “Keeping up with [certain sport] lately?” or “What are your favourite venues around here?” These questions and things in common will foster instant connections.
9. Smile
How do you smile in SL (with Bento of course)? Be positive People are attracted to positivity, not negativity.
10. Authenticity
Be authentic in your interactions and not sarcastic. People want to start conversations with you because you’re being real, and not facetious.
11. From the Heart
When initiating a conversation, give him or her authentic compliments from the heart.
12. Be Passionate
Add excitement to your conversations. Talk about what your passions are both in SL and RL.
The bottom line is you have to take the risk to put yourself out there when initiating a conversation. There will be those who rebuke your attempts, it will be their loss.
“Conversation. What is it? A Mystery! It's the art of never seeming bored, of touching everything with interest, of pleasing with trifles, of being fascinating with nothing at all.” ― Guy de Maupassant
Monogamy, of course, is when two people are in a committed relationship and do not stray from the relationship. While there are many varying types of Polyamorous relationships, the basis is being in a relationship with two or more partners with all partners knowing and agreeing to such a relationship. There are of course rules and boundaries in both types of relationships with the exception that monogamy consists of just two partners.
Monogamy or Polyamory... is one better than the other?:
Most people cannot or will not wrap their minds around something less conventional such as a poly relationship. Polyamory is considered an open relationship and is practised as such. While some in a poly relationship still believe it a committed relationship just with more than one partner. Which is better? To pit the two types of relationships against one another is a matter of not only opinion but preference as well as a lifestyle choice. Let’s find out what some of SL’s residents say about monogamy vs polyamory.
Interviews:
Becca Drascol: When considering SL relationships, let’s talk about Monogamy vs Polyamory. What are your views?:
TheGameMatthewJames2005 Resident: I feel the polyamory can be very complicated due to feelings because you can get attached to someone and then you know they are also seeing someone else, and it can make things very complicated. Personally, like monogamy, because I’m not a person who shares but to each their own and if there are those who are into poly, hey more power to you, because I couldn’t do it lol.
Cybertgirl Gynoid: I know that Monogamy is the rule in RL but SL is a different world with so many temptations around and I will guess Polyamory suits better in SL.
MasterVemon13inc Resident: My point of view for both of them, are some can be very trustful relationship one on one but with other sometime cause problem with others and they well being, so my view if both the person are loving to each other then yes they can make it happen. Monogamy vs polygram drama can be draw into but at the same time if fun but understand each other. Poly can have issue with each other is all about build trust and bound frist.
Caremila Resident: I think both sides has its up and downsides. Neither side is a better than the other its all individual what is best for every person. I myself are very Monogamous but just cause of that I don’t look down on those who aint. It is just what feels right for me. I can understand those on the other side feeling they want more then what just one person can give when it comes to online times. Fetishes. Different wants and needs you get from different people. But I can’t say that one side suits everyone.
Linarie Resident: I think monogamy can be nice if someone finds the right person, but most of the people I talked to including myself comes to sl to have fun, experiment and try out things in RL they wouldn't necessarily do, so polyamory is a good option.
The Overall Opinion:
For those, I asked, it's 50/50. Both lifestyles have ups and downs. But as Linarie pointed out, most players come to SL to experience things they may not be able to RL. The Poly lifestyle is something that seems to be booming as of late and is becoming something people feel able to be more open about. I compare it to BDSM which is a lifestyle that some choose to be very open about while others live it via things such as our virtual world. Overall either lifestyle takes a commitment of one’s self to live and love in a lifestyle that suits them and their partner or partners. Afterall, all relationships are about at least two people coming together for love.
From when we are little trust is something we learn from our parents. Trust is something we give willingly to them because they care for our every need, and as we get older, we’re taught how to trust and when and how not to trust when necessary. But it’s this reporter’s opinion that trust is a double edged sword. As much as trust can be something rewarding it can also be something that cuts like a knife if those you have trusted wish to misuse or abuse that trust. And yet trust is also something very necessary to life.
Trust In Our Virtual World:
Can we trust people in Second Life? Generally speaking, we can. When one rents land, they must trust the landowner to give them the prims allowed, to not take their hard earned L$ and run, to upkeep the land you rent from them. When we buy an object or outfit on marketplace, we trust that the seller has been fair and honest in the item listing and pricing and that we will receive exactly what we saw listed and purchased. There are many ways every day in SL that one must trust the other people around them. But for every bit of trust we put into people, sometimes the double edged sword I mentioned earlier comes into play and we get burned. Perhaps emotionally and sometimes financially. For some, it’s something that can be shrugged off, as a cost of being part of the greater Second Life Community.
What do the residents of SL think? Can we trust one another?
Interviews on Trust:
For this article I asked SL residents this one simple question:
Becca Drascol: Can you trust people in Second Life?
DarkShadowPrincess Huntress: In the past eight years that I have been here I have met wonderful people. Like yourself, like VividDreamz, and I have made a family. There have been only a few people that turned out not to be quite what they portrayed. But there have not been many. I'd say that yes my experience has been good. But one always needs to be careful everywhere. Even in RL.
MasterVemon13inc Resident: Sometimes yes, it’s about the bonding.
NessietheReaper Resident: To a degree yes. I don’t trust people easily as it is, but I’ve met a few people from here, and if I didn’t think I could trust them I wouldn’t have even considered it.
Bigred19663 Resident: Well SL is just like RL......there are some you can trust and some you can't.
RpCg Resident: I would say that people in SL are just as easy to trust, and worthy of trust, as people that you meet in RL; either way, it's how well you know them, and what you believe of what they choose to reveal.
To Sum it up:
Much like our real world and lives, trust is something not always easily given. It needs to be earned. It takes knowing someone, and perhaps even then you may still get burned or you may be rewarded. It seems for those I spoke with it’s 50/50. A matter of give and take perhaps. But to receive trust, we must also learn to give trust. There are no hard and fast rules or right or wrong on whether we do, or do not trust. And most certainly it’s not so much a matter of whether it’s in real life or our virtual second lives. People are people.
“I guess many of you had such problem. I had a really good friend, probably
the best one in SL. One day she logged, saying nothing, except "good
night" and after that doesn't appear online for about a month. I am sure,
she would tell me, about absence, but she just disappeared. I have her in one
group, where it is written when was her last online time, and it really was
that evening she logged near me...
Do you think there is the way to find her email or
something? I just want to hear from
her... Do you think, contacting support to ask for her email will help? ”
SommerDai86 [name changed]”
Taken from
https://community.secondlife.com/t5/General-Discussion-Forum/bd-p/GeneralDiscussionForum
There are many of us who’ve experienced that exact feeling that
SommerDai86 expresses in her forum letter.
The concern, the frustration after someone is here with us in SL one day
and abruptly gone the next day. There
are a few ways someone can “ghost” in SL.
The oldest meaning of ‘ghosting’ in world is when your Avi appears
online but is actually offline. A
glitch.
Then there is being ‘ghosted’ by someone when they abruptly unfriend
you or stop communicating with you. The
most familiar form of ghosting to most people in world is having someone you know
*poof* for a long time or forever.
As SommerDai86 struggles with the loss of her friend, she posts the
question, will support (LL) give her an email address. No LL guards our privacy and will not release
or assist anyone in finding a missing Avi.
I agree with LL that it is completely up to each individual to decide
who may contact them outside of SL and how they may do so. Then how can one cope with a loss such as
this one?
One person responding on the
forum offered her this advice:
“I'd start by IM'ing her as well as sending her a private message through
the website that you miss her and asking when she may be returning. Her
IM's may go to her email if she has it set up this way. I'd send the PM
to her in case she can access the website but not SL itself for some reason.
Also, check with mutual friends to see if they have had any word of her.
This is about all you can do. Take heart, she probably had something
unexpected come up in RL that has prevented her from logging in and she will
return when she is able to. Usually if people are leaving SL they will tell
their close friends that that is their intention. AmethsGrun”
That is all that can be done if one of your friends ‘ghosts’ you. Many people return to SL, there is no guarantee
that someone will return after ghosting for a long period of time. Many people come back using new Avi’s leaving
their old SL behind. If your only
contact is in world, you will have to move on at this point.
Some people who you considered to be your friends may stop communicating
abruptly or unfriend you without incident or warning. This is another form of ghosting. It parallels IRL ghosting where someone cuts
off all texting contact without a word.
This is usually done by less mature individuals unable to talk about
what they are feeling. Here is an
explanation excerpted from http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=ghosting:
“The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject
is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee
will just "get the hint" and leave the subject alone, as opposed to
the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.
Ghosting is not specific to a certain gender and is closely related to
the subject's maturity and communication skills. Many attempt to justify
ghosting as a way to cease dating the ghostee without hurting their feelings,
but it in fact proves the subject is thinking more of themselves, as ghosting
often creates more confusion for the ghostee than if the subject kindly stated
how he/she feels.”
This leaves
resentment and hurt feelings by the ghostee.
In SL we can send notecards, yet some people still have trouble
communicating their disinterest in any form.
Why do people
disappear from SL and become a ghost?
There are as many reasons as there are Avi’s in world. The predominant reason is something in real
life takes over, and that’s how it should be, real life first. The problem is that there are real life
feelings left behind in SL. Here are
some ideas borrowed from other people to explain why someone left SL:
“I once lost a friend and tried tracking her down
over many months by joining her listed groups and asking mutual friends as to
her whereabouts. Finally, one day she
contacted me. She told me rl had taken over and SL had become too busy so she
hid herself and came in SL anonymously. Sometimes people need a break, even
from themselves.”
“A dear friend poofed. I was frantic. She finally came back a few months
later and I demanded her RL email. I couldn't take it. Now she's on Facebook,
so I know she's ok. Maybe she has an
Alt.”
“She may not be able to come on, because of bad storms-look how many lost
power and homes in the last year alone! She could also have not been able to
afford her internet, or home, etc. She may have had to shut down. “
“Chances are if someone is a very good friend they would give you other ways
to contact them than sl..."
“If she wanted to contact you, she knows where to find you.
It's really sad that so many don't get that there are real RL feelings
behind everything that happens in SL even if it's just RP'ing for a lot of
ppl...”
That reveals the truth of the situation. If someone wanted you to find them
they would have told you how to do it.
When I had a very good friend ghost, I contacted many of our mutual
friends, messaged her on Facebook and emailed her. All were tied to the SL identity that I knew
her as when she left SL. She hasn’t come
back and that was about a year ago.
Through our mutual friends I found support and new friendships. Eventually I was just fine. The lesson here is to think twice about
ghosting in any form. If you feel you
need to leave SL, try to tell those important to you. In the end, do what you need to do to survive
all worlds and minimize the damage to all.
When someone calls you ‘hon’ do your toes curl? Terms of
endearment, do you love them or do you hate them?
When is it appropriate to use terms of endearment? Is it ever appropriate to use terms of endearment?
Or is it just a storm in a teacup and there are far more serious issues in the
world to get one’s knickers in a knot about? For the
hell of it I’ve taken a look at this prickly little subject.
There’s a lot of power in a name
and each one throws up different connotations so it’s important to know which
ones will flatter a partner or the person you’re directing at and which are
definitely not going to have the right effect.
One in ten husbands and boyfriends
admitted they let their partner call them a soppy nickname they would dread
their friends ever finding out.
There’s a lot to be read from a
name, and sometimes using too strongly clichéd or overly-soppy pet names for
someone we like will just be seen as insincere.
It’s become one of the most common
terms of endearment used by couples, but 'babe' has been voted the most hated
pet name for women. The term, made
popular by Sonny and Cher's Sixties hit I Got You Babe, come out on top in a
new study. (Siteopia.com)
‘Sweetcheeks’, ‘snookums’ and ‘muffin’
were also a definite no no, but terms such as ‘gorgeous’, ‘beautiful’ and
‘lovely’ were considered acceptable.
Nicknames like ‘baby girl’ and
‘baby doll’ are also unpopular, along with ‘pudding’ and ‘pumpkin and the research also revealed that only one in five Britons calls their
partner by their full name the majority of the time, with the same number
admitting to using a private nickname when no-one else is around.
Many of the men who took part in the
study also confessed to referring to their partner with terms they would only
use while she was out of earshot. The
Mrs’ or ‘the wife’ were still used by some men, while one in six quietly
referred to their partner as ‘the boss’.
‘Whether using the more common
terms like “babe” or “darling” or some of the more modern terms, the research
shows the ones we choose for our partner can have very differing impacts.
What’s more it’s all very well using terms of endearment
with your nearest and dearest, but what about when you’ve just met someone or
you’re in a work environment? Is it not
condescending and disrespectful to call a person “hon” “sweetie” etc. Or is it okay as long as the tone is
appropriate?
Everyone is entitled to their opinion let us know what yours
is.
In general communication is a means of
connecting people or places. We all
know that good communication is a bedrock of a successful relationship, whether
it’s a positive parent-child bond, the first few days of a new friendship, or
the start of a budding romance, and it undoubtedly goes for both business and personal Second Life
relationships too.
Misunderstandings
in Second Life are two a penny. It’s my
contention that it’s because we cannot see one another’s body language and in
many cases we cannot hear the intonation in the other party’s voice. Without good communication Second Life can be
difficult to deal with, but little things can make all the difference.
You may
think that you have the basics of good communication mastered — you listen, you
share appropriately, you seek clarification on points you do not understand. However, there are certain errors in
communication that we may make on a regular basis without even knowing it.
Taking your Second Life interpersonal connections to the next level entails
becoming aware of such mistakes and taking care to avoid them.
One of
the most common communication pitfalls is our tendency to draw comparisons. In
many situations, it’s entirely appropriate to compare two or more items or
situations. For instance, at work, you may describe a piece of software as
being “harder to use” or “nicer to look at” than a previous version. That’s
fine, such comparisons help other people. However, comparisons are not always
so harmless in personal relationships.
Why?
Simply put, when you make a comparison, you are making a judgement. An obvious
example is the comparisons that parents sometimes make between children. We all
know that hearing “Why can’t you be as smart/tidy/nice as your sister/brother?”
is only going to damage a child’s self-esteem. However, it’s important to watch
out for so-called “good” comparisons too.
Whenever
you make a judgement, someone usually comes out feeling like a loser, even if
your intentions are positive. For instance, if you attempt to compliment
someone by telling them that they look like a particular celebrity, you are
implying that they are not an attractive person in their own right. Rather,
they are only worthy of attention because they happen to resemble someone else.
To take another example, let’s say that you are a piano teacher who tells one
of their students, “Keep practicing, and one day you could be as good as my
best student!” This may seem encouraging initially, but just as in the previous
example, such a comparison detracts from the innate worth and value of whoever
is subject to it.
Often,
when we make comparisons, we secretly wish someone could or would be different.
This is a losing battle because getting other people to change, especially
if they do not want to change themselves, can be extremely difficult. Instead,
it is often more fruitful to take one of the following two approaches.
First,
the best tactic is to work on appreciating and accepting the other person for
what and who they already are. This may be tricky at first, but keep reminding
yourself of what you like about this person and what joy they bring to your
life and you’ll be halfway there. It is better to praise and compliment someone
based on who and what they are right now than to express, subtly or not, that
they would be better if only they would change.
The
second strategy is to be a role model. For example, if you would like your
friend to be more outgoing and to take the initiative when planning social
outings, why not aim to develop these qualities in yourself? We tend to imitate
those we respect, so if you have a strong relationship with someone, modelling
positive behaviours can encourage positive change.
However
you tackle the situation, remember to cut down on those comparisons!
It’s not easy to have a long term relationship in SL, but it
is possible. It boils down to
communication.
There’s no such thing as long term relationships in SL you
say? I beg to differ. It may not be du
jour but I know a number of avatars and their human counterparts who’ve had
significant long term relationships in SL and even those that have gone RL and
led to marriage.
None of us are
untouched by love. It’s a basic human need to be desired and nurtured and
therefore it goes without saying that this rings true in Second Life too. Granted
there are many degrees and standards by which we all live (and love) but it’s
safe to say that we each have an understanding of relationships. They begin
when we connect with another avatar in this instance. But where do they end?
Though not unheard
of, long-term relationships are fairly rare in the virtual world where we’re
less likely to enter into such a hefty commitment. So what do we enter into,
and why? And why do we seeing such a high rate of partner churn?
We often enter into
relationships with a heady and optimistic outlook. We’re in love! Or at the
very least we think we are. Yet we are privy to overlooking the more pragmatic
reasons for commitment, and in those moments of passion and daring we can
overlook the most important factor:
Are we compatible?
There are two ways
to look at it really, but both answers start with the same question. How well
do we know ourselves? If we can fundamentally understand what it is we are
dealing with, we can proceed with honesty and care and we can generally reach a
positive outcome. But we need to know what we are dealing with.
When two people
fall in love and enter a commitment, there needs to be a level of
understanding. Both need to know who the other is and they must know the core
values of both themselves and their prospective partner. If you begin to learn
these things further down the track, the situation can get complicated quickly.
We each have
different backgrounds, different views. We belong to different religions, and
have differing views on politics. We belong to different sports teams (this can
be bigger than you think!), have different kinds of relationships with other
members of our family, and friends.
We need to
understand these things about each other before we continue. When we know
ourselves, we can teach each other, we can begin the wonderful journey of
discovery. And then we are left with two possibilities, we can either be
compatible in our views, or we can differ somewhat in our opinions but agree to
always respect the others ideas. Compatible, or compatibly in agreement.
Key Values
Partnership break
up rates are high. One of the most common reasons is that we get lost in the
‘role’ of our partnership and we lose our identities, but infidelity ranks
highest as the most significant reason partnerships dissolve in SL. Another reason
for partnership dissolution is that we get involved for the wrong reasons, or
we do not significantly understand what it is we’re getting involved with. We
leap before we think, and it is only later that we begin to learn that our core
values are exceedingly incompatible.
The silver lining
is that things can be truly helped by communication.
If we’re honest, and kind, and we talk openly about ourselves and proceed with
love and care, we have a much greater chance of something great coming to
fruition. A good relationship is an agreement between two people. You work out
what works for the two of you — and it’s always different — and then you stick
to it. It really can be as simple as that. At the end of the day, we can’t know
exactly what will happen and things happen in life that change us. Our views
can shift, and we can react to situations in ways that we never thought
possible. But what we CAN do is be as prepared as possible. Trust our guts. And
communicate.
“The most important thing in
communication is hearing what isn't being said. The art of reading between the
lines is a lifelong quest of the wise.”―Shannon L. Alder
"All the single ladies, put your hands up" BEYONCE KNOWLES
This thing called relationships is difficult. I see you doing the face palm. I also hear you saying "no really?!" Just indulge me for a minute.
You just have to think about things slightly differently, Just take a look
around, and you’ll see more single, independent, and successful women than ever
before. They’re working hard on their careers and education, instead of marrying
the first guy who comes along. They’ve got their eyes out for that special guy, but they’re too busy to just sit around and wait, but it doesn't mean that they aren't hoping to meet that special
someone. In my humble opinion, if you you put yourself out there socially speaking, and go about your life without being desperate, you will be surprised at what comes your way.
But in the meantime, here are some cute cartoons, which are a shout out to all the single ladies:
Just be the best version of yourself you can be, and everything else will fall into place.
Last week I experienced an extremely disappointing
situation. Being non-confrontationally
inclined, my reaction was to back off from what could have turned into an
extremely heated and emotionally charged argument. If the person had taken the time to understand
me they would have known that when my feelings are hurt I prefer to postpone
talking about it until I can be calmer.
But said other party decided that I had not given them a chance to voice
their side of the story and that I had chosen to believe the third party. As a result I lost a friend.
Subsequently I came across a blog post by Bryn Donovan which
struck a chord. The headline was, Is Arguing Ever Really Worth It?
Dale Carnegie, he of “How to win friends and influence
people" claims that it’s pointless to criticise anyone for anything and in a
later chapter makes the statement “You Can’t Win an Argument”.
It seems though, that people generally love an argument and
all the drama it brings with it. Maybe
it makes them feel alive. We all get
upset about things at one time or another, that’s only natural, but ranting
about it in whatever forum only causes negativity and what is actually achieved
in the long run?
How many times has a situation like this occurred to you in
SL or on Facebook? You get into personal
arguments because you’re defending someone else. It goes like this:
1. Your FB friend posts something.
2. One of their FB friends says something derogatory about this post.
3. You show up and tell their FB friend that they’re being mean.
Wouldn’t a better way to handle it, though, be this?
1. Your FB friend posts something.
2. One of their FB friends says something derogatory about this post.
3. Ignoring the other person, you tell your FB friend their post is awesome.
There are of course a few situations in which it still makes
sense to confront a person directly. If someone around you says something
racist, for instance, then call them on it (even if she’s a stranger in the
locker room.) In a situation like this, you only have two choices. You can
make it seem like it’s fine and normal to say such things, or you can make
it clear that it’s unacceptable.
But about 99% of the time, avoiding outright arguments is the
way to go. Persuasion is fine, but fighting just makes everyone feel bad.
What do you think? How do you deal with arguing, online,
inworld and in real life?
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