CYBERSEX 101 – NOOB GUIDE TO LOVE ON THE GRID (PART 3): JOSH (THOMAS1 BELLIC) REPORTING

What follows are the results of extensive research where we surveyed dozens of Subject Matter Experts on the topic.  We have distilled the collected wisdom from 33 of those experts. Altogether, these individuals have amassed over four CENTURIES of residency in SecondLife, totaling 435 years of experience! Let me encourage you to read and heed their guidance and suggestions as you navigate your own way through the pleasure and pitfalls of “love on the grid”

In Part 1 of our series, our panel of experts identified some of the more cringeworthy mistakes that noobs make during cyber sex.  You can read Part 1 by going to:

http://www.slenquirer.com/2022/01/cybersex-101-noob-guide-to-love-on-grid.html 

In Part 2, we looked at what our seasoned experts believe makes for a particularly good Cybersexual encounter,

http://www.slenquirer.com/2022/03/cybersex-101-part-2-noob-guide-to-love.html 

Finally, here in Part 3, we will wrap up our series with an open question to allow our seasoned experts to expand  on anything else they wanted to share about the topic

I asked our panel of experts “Is there anything else on the topic [of Cybersex] you would like to share?”

The answers from our panel basically fell into “The Three As”  

• Quality AVATAR, 

• Quality ATTITUDE 

• Quality ACTIONS.  

Let’s take a look at these one at a time. 

Quality Avi

Our panelists had a lot to say about the importance of a decent-looking Avatar.  In these days of Mesh and BOM, the experienced person looks to see that a potential sexual partner takes pride in how they look.  SL is largely a visual medium…so make sure the visuals are First Class  Specific comments included:

“The quality of your AVI matters, just like in RL. It is your first impression. Make it a good one. Oh and this is very important too...if you meet a really good-looking guy, all meshed up, etc…and only two or three months old, just be cautious.  Unless learning how to mesh up has been made easier to do, then it does take time to learn the ropes in SL...the good places to go to for shapes and skins, and clothes and hair.  When  a two-day-old "newbie" has a perfect avatar, you know it is not a "newbie" but an alt.”

“In SL, as in most things, you will get out of it what you put into it.  If you want to come in with a base avatar and pose hop, that is fine, but you will probably find the encounters less than exciting after the first few.  Put effort into it, and you will reap the rewards.  Your avatar, your approach, your seduction...all of it comes together to make the experience much more intense than what is just on the screen.  Like I said, as with most things in life, you get out of it exactly what you put into it.  Good luck, and happy F**king!”

“For the females, the better you look, the more IMs you will get --- but be picky.  Make sure that there is a click between you two.  Do you find him attractive?  Does he make you laugh?  Trust me, once you find yourself in bed with him better to find this out first, than doing a fake crash on the guy”

Quality Attitude

In SL, as well as in RL, great sex starts with a great attitude.  Some of our panelists had a lot to share on this particular item

“You must like it to be able to enjoy it.  If you like it is the best activity of SL (along with building things.)”

“There are many different types of people you meet. Somewhere out there is a person you can relate to. You can share your wants and needs with. Take your time exploring with others until you find the one that captures your whole being. It is well worth the wait. There are so many things you can explore here that you might never try in RL. Explore them and find your wants and desires it will make you a better person... The most important thing I have found is...ALWAYS be yourself...be true to yourself...Don’t change who you are for someone else. and always be honest with your feelings...You won’t go wrong that way. 😊”

“It's really about understanding people. We all are different and have different needs and attractions. For me, it really helps to know someone before having cyber sex with them. I enjoy getting to know the person and that makes the sexual experience much more titillating and fun. Learn all you can about SL and be respectful of the people in it.”

“The main thing is to relax and have fun. This is Second Life. It isn't here to replace your regular life. Don't get hung up and clingy with someone. Don't be too pushy either. Just keep everything relaxed. Having a fun interaction is all it is about, paying attention to the other person and connecting with them.”

“Don’t be “thirsty” .. don’t private message a bunch of girls at the same time with the same line.  You should really let people message you if they are interested.  Or maybe you could chat in local first.” 

“Watch what they say vs what they do...meaning actions vs words!  That is very,  very important.”

“It’s best to not have expectations...other than that...just have Fun.  After all, SL is supposed to be fun!!

And what is this “Emoting” thing everyone talks about?

“I think a whole article could be dedicated to the subject of emoting. The problem is many don’t know how or don’t want to learn. Responding, "mmmmmmm", or "MMMhMMM!"  to everything I say, is not emoting. Describe how I look, and how you feel when I touch you or when you touch me. That is emoting. Another big mistake is, telling your partner what they are doing, feeling, or experiencing. That practice is almost as bad as telling me to [climax], 3 seconds after you [enter me]” 

“Build the tension. and never approach someone and say your cute let’s f**k!”

One of the most often quoted pieces of advice here is: 

“Always remember that there is a real person behind the avatar. Just because we CAN be anonymous doesn’t mean we need to ACT like idiots. Be kind to people. There is a human behind every keyboard........ not everyone is here just to f**k.”

Quality Actions

So….you have yourself a Quality Avi and you have a Quality Attitude.  Finally, you need to tie these together with Quality Actions.

“Don’t rush. Take your time. Look around and pay attention to how things are done here: I can't tell you how many times some noob on his first day in SL, dressed in a freebie avatar, has come to me and said "I want sex with you" or things like that.  But that’s the point... they need to KNOW they don’t know how things are done here.”

Choose your setting carefully.  Cheesy animations that leave you with whiplash as you rocket through the positions are no fun for anyone.

“Script makers of all those sex beds and couches still haven't figured out creating real-life physics and dynamics for avatars to where movements are lined up realistically and automatically. We still see avatars in love-making positions merging body parts into each other: legs into torsos, arms, elbows, hands into heads and eyeballs, cocks into butt cheeks or thighs. Sexual intercourse is hit or miss where it often doesn't even look like sexual parts actually fit into each other. Especially when a man has an oversized appendage and it pops out of the tummy of a woman. The sex AOs is still a frustrating mess.”

“For many, the idea of cyber sex is just the act, but unless you are devoid of rational thought, you will quickly realize that the experience is and will be as good as the effort you put into it. As in all things, strike the right mood by going somewhere romantic, like the Grand Canyon Sims, where private areas abound and make the whole evening special. Don't forget that women appreciate intimacy more than just going for the goal line. Do not assume that everyone in SL is just here for the sex.  A nice date and foreplay are a plus.”

“Do not expect a person to orgasm, male or female or trans, almost immediately upon sexual activity. Foreplay should be fun. Dancing can be a great foreplay start to cybersex/, oh you might want something by role-playing, RP.”

 Regarding Voice and/or Camera

Some people like to introduce voice immediately into the process.  Others do not

“NO, I do not want to hear your bassy sex voice, your deep breathing, or your lisp. I don't want to hear your stupid sex chat in any way, shape, or form.  It totally ruins the immersion for me because people   rarely sound as expected.”  

Some people like the idea of seeing the RL behind the Avi.  Many do not.  Tread carefully here, and be sure you are both in full agreement 

“NO, I am not camming for you. I do not want you to record me, nor do I wish to see your bearded face, your acne, your bird chest, your weird-looking penis, your crooked teeth or frazzled hair - I don't even want to see a picture of you - Camming is a serious invasion of my privacy and crosses all of my boundaries by a mile.”

“Insisting with Cam or Voice after I said NO the first time will get you blocked. especially if you have the insolence of suggesting that I hide from those around me or similar nonsense -- EXCUSE ME? I hide enough as it is. I have nothing to prove and am not taking any risks for you, STRANGER. “   

One particularly observant commentator said:

“The guy has to like shopping...if he complains about it, then that is a red flag as well.”

What about “toys”

“Watching and hearing, and now being able to connect with toys makes SL even more special, adding parts to be able to rub one another make cuddling and sex more real. 

And a final word of advice from our panelists  

“Don't get 'caught' by RL. RL is the innocent and doesn't deserve to have to go through the trauma of finding a loved one masturbating with a cartoon girlfriend.”

So there you have it, folks.  Let me encourage you to go back and check out Parts I and II of this three-part series.  Go forward and “Be all you can be” in SecondLife.

See ya ‘round the grid.

Aloha

JB

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CYBERSEX 101 (PART 2) – A NOOB GUIDE TO “LOVE ON THE GRID”- JOSH (THOMAS1 BELLIC) REPORTING

 

What follows are the results of extensive research, where we surveyed dozens of Subject Matter Experts on the topic.  We have distilled the collected wisdom from 33 of those experts. Altogether, these individuals have amassed over four CENTURIES of residency in SecondLife, totaling 435 years of experience! Let me encourage you to read and heed their guidance and suggestions as you navigate your own way through the pleasure and pitfalls of “love on the grid”

In Part 1 of our series, our panel of experts identified some of the more cringe-worthy mistakes that noobs make during cybersex.  You can read Part One by going to:

http://www.slenquirer.com/2022/01/cybersex-101-noob-guide-to-love-on-grid.html

Here in Part 2, we will look at what our seasoned experts believe makes for a particularly good Cyber sexual encounter,

Finally, in Part 3, we will wrap up with an open question to allow our seasoned experts to expand  on anything else they wanted to share about the topic

Last month I asked our panel of experts “What makes for a particularly good Cybersex experience for you?”

One of the first answers I got was particularly telling when the respondent wrote “is there such a thing as a “good experience” with a newbie?

For the purposes of this article, I decided to separate the advice given by our panel of experts into three phases of cybersex.  Generally, these would be BEFORE – what  to do prior to entering the bedroom;  DURING the actual act of Cyber Coitus, and finally, AFTER you have “done the deed”

BEFORE:

As with anything worth doing, laying the groundwork, so to speak, is important in any endeavor, but especially so in an activity as intimate as Cybersex

Go Mesh or Go Home

A recurring theme here was that your avi is important.  SL is largely a visual medium, and the visuals, though not the ONLY factor in great Cyber, does have an impact.  Comments included:

·        “Have a well put together avatar.  Don't just buy the avatar, open the box, and rush out to play.  Put some effort into being unique.  Most people who draw your attention put a lot of effort into their appearance and want the same in return. “

·        “Of course, the guy must always take care of how he looks.  If the woman is always making sure she is looking her hottest or most beautiful, then the guy needs to do that as well. I like the avi of the other person to be nice and pleasant as a person”

Foreplay – Another crucial element is what you do in the time leading up to the actual sex itself. Panelists were most insistent on the importance of this element:

·        “I love foreplay, the kissing and exploring with hands and fingers. When it comes time to talking dirty, I love  to have my partner use compelling language and be as detailed and descriptive as possible so that I can be totally immersed in the fantasy”

·        “The chase/foreplay is hot.  Don't sell it short.  Spend some time with the erotic foreplay to get your partner engaged.  Don't just jump right to the sex, as then we are back to what I said about making an alt and just playing with yourself!”

·        “For me personally I like for it to look like an actual date.  I’m not a fan of all these sex sims where people just go for casual sex. I like to go out somewhere nice. It's great to talk to the person and establish a rapport. Then when it's time for sex the furniture has good animations and isn't outdated. I already mentioned the emoting but with that you don't want to overdo it either and try to type a book with every post there's plenty of middle ground.”

·        For me, a connection makes it sexy, so I like anticipation.  Talking to someone a few times, getting to know them, looking forward to their IMs.  Then, when we finally DO get to the sex, I am ready to tear their clothing off.  That anticipation makes is so much more erotic. 

Communicate  

“What we’ve got heah, is a failyeah, to communicate!”  Just like the Iconic line from Cool Hand Luke, how you communicate with your partner is crucial to having a successful and memorable engagement. 

Our panel of experts all had something to say about the importance of communication.

·        Open and honest communication about what you like and don't like, just like real life. Respect your partner and don't think that just because they are pixels, they can't be hurt - just like you.

·        A good experience for me is when I find myself in an interesting conversation  that leads into an emotional interaction that was completely unexpected

·        etting to know someone…see if there is a connection with the other person before jumping into bed makes for a great time. Get to know that person see what they like and don’t like. I have found if I am with someone I did not take the time to get to know first it can lead to a disappointing experience. No one wants that especially me...When you find someone that you can relate to will want more and will be happier because of it..

·        I'm like any other woman. Being romanced and paid attention to, are high on my list.  in SL, it’s all about the chase.  but its where the chase ends, and you are with your guy on steady terms, that is when things could either blossom or die.

 

DURING

OK…You have scoped out the terrain, made the approach, and now it is time to close the deal.  Even when it seems to be going well…you can still blow it and end up alone (and frustrated) if you don’t follow a few basic rules.  The Panelists shared these gems from their personal, and considerable, experience.

One person said:

·        If you get a chance, learn the furniture you are on so you know what poses and animations do what, so there is not a lot of flipping around. * If you don't know the furniture, then make a joke out of it.  Laugh, have fun.  Just like in rl sex, being comfortable makes it so much more erotic. 

Respond to your Partner

·        I like being with someone who is responsive, eloquent, and fun, able to interact fast, keeping some rhythm as opposed to someone just changing poses at their convenience, hardly able/willing to talk. I've left a few there on the spot, logging off, because of that more than once, feeling like an inflatable doll :-P

·        I like someone who responds to what I say and do. If I say "This feels so good." a response, even a simple "ty" or "yes it does" is preferable to no response at all

·        I like the interaction, knowing the other person is there with you on the moment. not multi-tasking and just responding with moans

·        It is pretty much the same like making love in RL - don't be boring!

Communication

The need to communicate effectively is as important now as it is in other phases of the experience.  Some of the more cogent comments from our panelists include:

·        Communication is key during Cybersex. One of the biggest mistakes noobies make, (and some experienced guys also), is to ignore my emotes. If I'm panting and moaning and telling you not to stop "F--king me", that is not the time to click the menu and put me in the cuddle menu. Another one is when I'm screaming, "OMG, right there, that feels amazing, yeeess yesss right there!" Don’t change the pose. it’s a turn off to  think that the only reason the guy is having sex with me is so he can watch himself perform in every gymnastic position he can find to put me in.

·        Put some detail into your emoting.  I can SEE what we are doing, but your words are what can make me FEEL it.  Think of what you would be doing to me in RL, and tell me.  The detail makes it hot.

·        Creative Emoting.  Something more than nonsense sounds like "mmmmm" or "Oh my god oh my god oh my god"    Use adjectives.   Short sentences... It's more important to keep the pace going than it is to write a four-paragraph porn novel.  Be respectful.  Let the other person finish and then craft your reply to make sense in the context of that the other person just wrote. Try to become codependent in the emoting and not go off on your own tangent. Compliment the partner often during and after sex

 

Multisensory

Great Cybersex takes more than just some cool animations on a pose ball.  More than just sexy emotes.  More than just a sexy voice.  Really GREAT Cybersex take appealing to several sources of stimulation.  Here again, our panelists were quick to share their experiences.   

·        I love the visual as well as hearing her voice change in my ears. being able to move to a pose I would in RL.

·        I mean, it's not like you are sitting on a couch and feeling each other…you have to be able to talk about it and share your feelings. And don't assume she (or he!) wants to know what you are doing in RL during all this. and that’s another point. If you get to know someone pretty well, sex is more natural and even if you make mistakes, they won't just run off :)

·        Whatever you do, don't stop in the middle for question-and-answer time

·        So guys, let me give you some friendly advice: first, don't rely on the “Device” (Xcite, etc) scripts to do the talking for you, and second, stop thinking about cybersex as porn. Start thinking about it as creative writing instead. Show off some language skills and some imagination to the ladies, and you'll find them more than willing ;-)

·        I never felt the urge to use the pose balls. I rely more on actual words.  When poses don’t work, they tend to throw off one if not both parties making it hard to get to where you need to be in your head.

·        I have experienced some of the most intense times with someone, even when there are minimal animations involved. It’s the erotic images and thoughts that turn me on, not throwing me into a different pose every two seconds until you learn the menu.

AFTER:

So then, you have taken your time, you have demonstrated a caring attitude, you connected with your partner on a deeper level, you both reached a “Happy Ending”.  Now what?

Our panel of experts was pretty much of one mind on this point.  Hang out for a bit.  The suggestions included:

·        “Stay for at least ten minutes.  Women don't like cum and go guys.  If they poof after two minutes.....ooooh what a lover”

·        “Some chat before and after...... treat me with respect”

So there you have it, Folks.  Incorporating some or all of these ideas will help make you a better Cyber lover, And Hey,  If you’re gonna do something, why not do it right and be the best you can at it?

Stay tuned in a couple of weeks when our 33-member panel of sexperts wraps up our 3-part series with some of their favorite personal anecdotes about the subject.

Be There

Aloha

JB

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CYBERSEX 101 – A NOOB GUIDE TO “LOVE ON THE GRID” – JOSH (THOMAS1 BELLIC) REPORTING

OK...SOOO...you are new to SL.  You came to meet people. To build…maybe as an outlet for your artistic expression…You were here about a day and a half when you learned about an entirely different side of the Grid. The Naughty side, as it were.  Of course, you are interested…curious maybe, and like everything else, you want to see what this is all about.  Whether you were introduced to cybersex at the hands of a caring mentor, or if your first experience was at a group orgy, chances are you have questions about it all, and how you can maximize your enjoyment, and that of your partners, in this thing called cybersex.  Questions like “How do I know if she or he is interested? Are there any “Green Light” Phrases?” or “What is it about working the animations? Is there anything special to know about that?”  And then the ever-present “To voice, or not to voice?  That is the question.”

In keeping with the SL Enquirer’s continuing mission to inform our readers, over the next several weeks we will publish a three-part series on how to be the best cyberlover you can. 

What follows are the results of extensive research, where we surveyed dozens of Subject Matter Experts on the topic.  We have distilled the collected wisdom from 28 of those experts. Altogether, these individuals have amassed over three and a half CENTURIES of residency in SecondLife, totaling 376 years of experience! Let me encourage you to read and heed their guidance and suggestions as you navigate your own way through the pleasure and pitfalls of “love on the grid”

In Part One of our series, our panel of experts was asked to identify some of the more noteworthy mistakes that noobs make during cybersex.

In Part two, we will look at what our seasoned experts believe makes for a particularly good cybersexual encounter,

Finally, in Part Three, we will wrap up with an open question to allow our seasoned experts to expand  on anything else they wanted to share about the topic

Before you enter into the wild and confusing and exciting world of cybersex, you should ask yourself “why do you even want to have sex in SL?” If you're doing it because you want to change your RL, make sure your "target" has the same kind of ideas. Most don't.  Along with that... What do you expect from it? Is it just porn for you? Or to help you “get off”? Or maybe you've never really had sex at all and are just trying to fill that gap.  I once had a counselor who works with individuals with disabilities tell me that  “For people with some disabilities, [cyber]sex may be the ONLY sex they will ever get to experience”   Do you care about this person you're hoping to have sex with, or is it totally casual? And do they feel the same way?  Be sure you can address these questions before proceeding.

Part One:  What are some of the more noteworthy “Noob Mistakes” during Cybersex?

There were several answers to this question that were repeated time and again by our “sexperts”. Most often cited was the poor quality of the dialogue that often accompanies a noob’s initial dive into cybersex. Fully 48% of those responding identified this as a top concern

·         “It's okay to reach out and contact people you're interested in, start a chat first, but don't just offer friendship without a word said, and send a random TP offer to some remote sex beach.”

One writer summed it up nicely when she said:

·         “Learn how to emote! This is where you get creative and describe what is going on or even add something to it to heighten the experience makes all the difference in the world. Don't just keep typing harder, faster, or deeper. You can only get so hard or go so fast. You can only go so deep. [Repeating this over and over] just makes you look stupid.”

Other comments included:

·         “You must establish with the quality your intention and that of the couple, it is for fun, it is for porn sex, it is for love? That will help you avoid problems that may end up breaking your heart.

"I have noticed…the lack of quality roleplay and immersion. A lot of the RP would be rapid, machine-gun fire posts, without waiting for a reply like: mmm…so good….ahhh…Noob: nice p***sy”

Some noted the sparseness of supporting emotes:

   “Don’t just watch the animations. There needs to be a conversation. Narrate the scene. playoff of each other”

·         “Don’t use shorthand texting abbreviations. You could come off like an uneducated dumbass or she may think the guy behind the profile has the maturity level of a 14-year-old.”

·         “Take your time, learn to emote.  Do not be a paragraph writer.  "Lays you on your back.  Spreads your legs… pushing into you" works better for you and your partner than writing a book.”

On the other hand, sometimes there is too much text.

·         “No excessive emoting, it is supposed to be about your thoughts and what you would be doing in RL, not a paragraph from ‘50 Shades of Grey’.”

·         “Don't ‘godmod’ - don't tell me what I am doing or feeling or saying.  Let me respond for me, and you respond for you.  Nothing is as annoying as being told you are screaming out in ecstasy when you just emoted biting your lip in silence.”

·         “Don't ignore what your partner is emoting.  So many people who are new to this start writing what they are doing and forget that it is a two-way street.  Write...and then READ and respond.  Make it a give and take.”

Additionally, 26% of the respondents addressed the importance of having a hi-quality Avatar.

·         “First of all, you should make sure your avie is totally mesh, no one likes being with a noob especially if your body doesn't look good.  That sounds a little mean but it is so true.”

·         “I recommend investing some time and effort into your avatar and strive to bring a unique look to your avatar that defines you. There's still a lot of avatars running around with system avatars that look like they were made with scissors and paste and 2006 fell on their spiky heads.”

·         “Avoid having an ugly avatar - get a mesh body (yes, there are free ones for that). If you're a guy, do NOT get yourself a "freenis" (=a free penis) - they look ugly!”

·         “Don't just put on your new c**k and run out to play.  Learn to use it.  Color it.  Position it.  Get to know the hud, so that your use of it is not the focus of the interaction.”

A full 20% of the respondents noted that how you initiate cybersex is of crucial importance.

Never ever (!!!!!) just approach a person and just say “Ur Hawt”, Wanna f**k?" or “nice tits” as your opening sentence'" The approach.  "Wanna F**k" is not going to get you any further in SL than in RL. 

·         “Like in RL, most people want a little seduction.  If all we wanted was to jump on a pose ball, we would make an alt of the opposite sex and never bother engaging with others.”

One contributor identified a major problem upfront:

·         “Asking for Sex. That's the number one mistake.  No one worthy of your time wants to be asked to have sex.  The trick is to engage in conversation in a way that makes them think they want to get to know you better.  Then invite them to join you on a chair or sofa to be comfortable during conversation.  And from there you might stroke their hair or their shoulder.  Perhaps you kiss their mouth when the moment feels right and see how they react.  If they are into it and kiss back... you have permission to go further.   if they simply Smile and do not kiss back... disengage and find someone else.”

And finally,

·         “Always cuddle before and after - don't be a cad.”

Other challenges noted were too numerous to fully cover here, but they included things like how often to change poses or not. Once your partner has the camera properly positioned, hopping from pose to pose every 10 or 15 seconds can be irritating.  Some have suggested no more than 4 or five poses should be used during an entire encounter. Pay attention to details…placement of appendages…not poking thru bellies or outback of heads.

So, there you have it, folks – some of the more common mistakes noobs (and more experienced residents) can make while cybering.  Confusing?  Yeah.  It certainly can be.  But with a little practice and attention to detail, you too can become the Don Juan (or Donna Juan) of Cyber.

Stay tuned for the next two parts in this series, where we will continue our discussion about what makes for great cyber, as our sexperts share from their experience gained in this important aspect of life on the grid.

Be There.  Aloha!

JB

 

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