The holiday season is the time of year where people seem to evaluate how naughty or nice they have been as well as determine who gets gifts or a big ol’ lump of coal. This year I had a secret meeting with Santa to try and get an idea of how he rates my conduct this year so I can ... .agree or disagree with his findings in hopes I don’t end up taking hours shoveling the big pile of coal he left in my front yard last year. I personally think he made a mistake and it was meant for a neighbor… He has been very elusive this year and sending all my calls to voicemail so I decided to show up at this house in the North Pole unannounced to have a few words with him.
INTERVIEW WITH SANTA
*LANAI POUNDS ON THE DOOR LIKE THE SLPD* AND PEEKS THROUGH THE WINDOWS*
LANAI: Santa, I know you are in there! I just want to talk to you about a package left in my yard last year in error. It was clearly from you but the shipping fee was way too high to return it.
SANTA: Go away, I do not answer to solicitors.
LANAI: Stop playing, you know exactly who I am.
SANTA: Lanai, you have got to be the biggest pain in the ass from the time you started walking. think I don’t remember the child you were back then and the adult version you are today. Now go away!
LANAI: Sighs. Do I have to remind you of the special brownies I left you instead of stale cookies over the years? What do you think makes you so jolly after stopping at my house on Christmas eve? Are we really going to have this conversation through a door? It’s cold. Let me in!
SANTA: *grumbling* Unlatches about 20 locks* Come in and stop shouting. I don’t need the reindeers knowing about that.
LANAI: It’s nice to see you too. *dusts off the snow and walks inside* So Santa, why do you hold such a grudge against me for every foul thing I may Have done. For every “minor” incident, I do like 20 nice things so stop dumping coal in my yard every year.
SANTA: Lanai, I have covered up for a lot of things you have done like the time you accidentally lit a whole sim on fire trying the magic hud you got for Christmas one year. Or in 2020 when you tried stealing a Christmas tree from the town square and ended up in the paper as the victim.
LANAI: Wasn’t me and the tree thing… I was traumatized! Don’t you have any compassion!
SANTA: Lanai…. You dropped your ID when you hauled ass out of there after the fire, they even got you on video… And you are lucky I pulled some string to have it reported in the newspaper in your favor!
LANAI: Fine. I admit that was an accident. I didn’t know pressing the red button would blow up a whole sim, no one got hurt…. I’ll admit the Christmas tree incident was kinda my fault…Thank you for the cover up but you didn't have to give them a picture to use!
SANTA: Thank goodness no one was hurt either time! What about the time you cause an all out brawl at an Avatar anonymous meeting with all the holiday mascots. One of them lost a toe in the whole ordeal.
LANAI: Hey, they were already feuding before I got there. I tried to mediate but it got out of hand when cupid tried hitting on me and the Easter Bunny got jealous. Stop bringing up the past, I’m a new woman and I am devoting myself to peace and harmony.
SANTA: Pfft. the only time the world is at peace and harmony is when you are sleeping! For once take some responsibility for your actions. You continuously appear at catastrophic events in Second Life, yet none of it is your fault.
LANAI: I agree. I just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m a reporter. That’s usually how it goes. I’m constantly putting myself at the front lines risking my second life and you consider it all my fault!?! Enough about me. What about the time you needed me to talk some sense into Mrs. Clause, she was about to leave your ass for Father time. Or the time you got caught being a peeping tom instead of dropping off gifts at a swingers club which I will not name.
(Lanai talked sense into Mrs. Clause)
SANTA: OMG, lower your voice, Mrs Clause is taking a nap.
LANAI: Santa, If I apologize, will you reconsider giving me my Christmas wish this year? I’m not asking for much.
SANTA: If I consider revising my naughty list for you, will you leave me alone?.... What is it you want?
LANAI: A man. Not just any man though. One who is smart, talented, gifted in specific areas, sexy, and wants only me. A Prince preferably.
Lanai’s dream man
SANTA: You just described Patrick Dempsey aka “MCDreamy”. He was featured in People’s Magazine 2023 as the sexiest man alive ya know. But he’s not a Prince…
LANAI: Are you kidding me? We weren’t even a match on the exclusive dating app Raya! Aside from that he placed 3rd in a Juggling contest back in high school and had aspirations to go to clown College. No thank you.
Just sayin’
SANTA: Fine. Let me see what I can do. Now if that is all you want you don’t have to leave the North Pole but you gots to get the hell out of here before the wife wakes up. You know she thinks we had a thing since that Christmas party back in 2009 when you sat on my lap and started singing “Happy Birthday Mr President”
LANAI: I don’t recall.
SANTA: Yea ok. You know exactly what you were trying to do.
LANAI: *blinks* Give me a little credit. That wasn’t a candy cane in your pocket…
SANTA: Lanai… I know you have a thing for me and all but, I cannot be your Christmas present!
LANAI: Don’t flatter yourself Mr Clause. One of the things I’m looking for is someone hot and I hate to break it to you. I was drunk off Eggnog that night. I’m not going to do this back and forth with you. I’ll be expecting a sexy man wrapped in a big ass bow under my tree Christmas morning. If not, I’m telling Mrs. Clause EVERYTHING! Including your account on squirt.org and about your 7 illegitimate kids that live with Snow White.
SANTA: OK! OK! Does height matter?
Lanai: MMMMhmmmm it sure does. Ok my mission is done here. Merry Christmas Santa, You should treat yourself to something special this year. Like a ticket to Mars on one of those SpaceX rockets. Bye Felicia!
Disclosure: This is a spoof interview. Santa really doesn’t have an account on squirt.org. Lanai was bluffing but perhaps he does since he didn't deny it. Everything he accused Lanai of is fake news. Everything about Patrick Dempsey is true but you can’t always believe everything you read on the internet.
On behalf of The SL Enquirer, Have a very Merry Christmas and a super fantastic New Year!
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