Lanai’s Diary: My confession

Every once in a while I like to ramble on about anything that comes to mind. I’ve been told I do automatic writing, other times that I’m a terrible writer or that I’m even an Enigma. It all confuses me because I can’t see myself as other people see me, so I will pull a hoodie over my head and just keep writing. I’m not sure if I’m any of those things all I know is I like to write and just spill my thoughts out as if I’m talking to a friend or even just a diary that I allow you to peek in.

Some of the things I say are relatable and other times I’m sure it leaves readers scratching their heads like WTF did she say…  

My passion for writing stems from being a kid that never really felt heard, my brain was always spinning with thoughts and ideas but it was always hard to express myself verbally. I spent a lot of time alone.  I wrote in a diary. I still have it. It’s pink with a little padlock.  It’s in a box in my basement with other things I collected since I was emancipated at 17.  I’m afraid to read it because it's filled with a lot of painful things that I’m not ready to be reminded of.

 I spent most of my childhood playing alone in my bedroom closet with my barbie dolls. My grandmother who raised me had passed away a week before my 13th Bday and I had to live with an alcoholic mother while my father was in rehab. It wasn’t the best environment for a kid that was trying to process a devastating loss on my own.

Creating storylines was my escape. I reenacted my emotions or whatever was going on in my life at the time. I played with barbies until I was in 6th grade.. I know.. embarrassing… I got made fun of by mean girls I thought were my friends because I wasn’t into boys and gossip and all the drama that goes on with tweens at that age.

When 7th grade came around and I began to blossom, all those mean girls’ boyfriends were hitting on me which made those same girls hate me even more. I got bullied so badly that I couldn't get close to other girls.  By 9th grade, I was hanging out with seniors, they were like my big brothers and they protected me. All those types of girls wanted to suddenly be my friend just to have access to the guys in my crew. Good times and a lot of fun memories. I was respected and never caught a bad reputation. Skip ahead to my 10 year high school reunion, most of the bullies looked like life kicked their asses as they dragged around their significant others like big ol trophies of settling. Approaching me and acting like they were excited to see me and complimenting me on how I hadn't aged.

Fast forward another decade and I started the SL Enquirer. It was an odd full circle in a virtual sense. I was drawn to the virtual world because it was like playing barbies all over again but this time an adult version with others. I came out of my shell was confident and started writing about my experiences, sharing my stories and this time when I looked up, I wasn’t in my bedroom closet alone, I had readers staring back at me who actually paid attention to whatever it was I had to say.  It’s an interesting type of reality that no one in my real world would ever understand just how vital and important Second Life and SLE is to me.

Those of us who have spent years in Second Life are looked at as if we shut the real world out but in reality what we are doing is expanding our connections on a global scale and not being trapped in a bubble of the city or state or  country we live in. I have learned so much here, not just about different cultures and people I have met but a lot about myself. I would have never gotten a BS in communication and technology had I not created SLE. It inspired me because one person I encountered  many moons ago told me I was uneducated and my newspaper would never last. Cheers to her, I have a big fat student loan debt but now I can proudly say I am educated but I’d still clown the shit out of her in a spoof SLE police report and act all ghetto and uneducated because, well… I think I earned that right.

Anyway, in a nutshell, I’ve learned to find the humor in things and accept myself as I am.  I’m  not being what everyone else expects me to be. I am who I am and I’m grateful for the lifelong friends I’ve made in both RL and Second Life who get me and treat me how I deserve to be treated. 

I’m now a Livery Supervisor in one of the top hospitals in New Jersey and maaan does it test me. I feel like a glorified babysitter at times having to deal with the knuckleheads. I’ve learned leadership comes with consequences. I’m not the most liked by those who were terminated because of their own actions and I have to deal with the gossiping and bad mouthing that goes on behind my back and the smiles they show me to my face. The best part about it is being told that if I'm not liked in my position, I must be doing something right because I’m not letting them get away with shit. I’m that Boss Bitch.

 Again, I have to thank SLE for that. Being a virtual CEO gave me the confidence I need to handle such a position. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Even a Boss bitch will cry and turn into the little girl with all the insecurities and pain she suffered but she gets up every day and continues to push forward. It’s hard being a woman navigating through life and figuring about who she is. It's never ending because once we stop trying to achieve then we limit ourselves and become stuck. I don't want to be one of those people who looks back at life saying what if… I want to look back at my life and say holy shit, did I do that?

This diary entry really has no real purpose but I do hope it inspires anyone regardless of what stage in life you are, life is yours to live how you want on your own terms and anyone who tries to distract you from doing what makes you happy, needs to be taught how to treat you. At some point, those who caused you harm or pain will eventually realize what they have done and will be humbled by your presence.

Lanai Jarrico