Mars vs Venus : Relationship needs in SL - Lacy Muircastle reporting ...

This was supposed to be an Avie Poll, but it has turned into a full blown article instead.  

The question was AVIE POLL: Mars Vs Venus::Relationship needs in SL (Men vs women)

The question of what we want or expect from relationships is an age old one, and one fraught with subjectivity

There is no right or wrong, there are as many opinions as there are people out there and I know that generalisations just get up everyone’s noses. Generalisations like;  women think that all men want is sex, and that men will leave a relationship for the next prettier face. Women think men cannot be trusted to be faithful. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run.  But we need to start somewhere, so let’s start with those annoying generalisations and then compare those with the replies I got from some of you.

We normally read about men wanting to know what woman want from them in terms of a relationship, so this time we will turn the tables and go with what men want first.

According to Rinatta Paries, what women think men want from them causes women to have resentment and anger toward men, and feel hopeless about ever developing a wonderful, warm, romantic partnership. What men think women want from them causes them much of the same feelings and frustration.

So here goes:

Honest communication is top priority for men. They want a woman who answers questions honestly, and perhaps even volunteer information. They want a woman who confidently asks for her wants and needs to be met. They want a woman who can see the truth and tell it like it is while communicating with kindness. Men want a woman who can communicate without being too critical, who cares about preserving his and her dignity.

Men want self-sufficient, secure, confident women. Men want a woman to choose them out of want rather than out of desperation — either materially or emotionally. Men need to be wanted and needed by their partners, but they want their partners to have a separate identity. Men want a woman to be active and independent, to have her own friends and interests. On the other hand, men treasure time spent with a loving partner.

Men want a manipulation-free relationship. Men want no manipulation of any kind. They do not want to read their partner’s mind or try to interpret signals. They do not want to be forced to move faster in a relationship than they are ready. They do not want to be manipulated into taking all the blame for things gone wrong. They do not want to be on the receiving end of game playing.

Men want growth, personal responsibility, and ownership.  Men want a partner who can laugh at herself and who has courage and strength. They want a woman who can see her part in relationship dynamics and own it. She has to be emotionally stable. Men want a woman who is developing herself personally, and who takes responsibility for her emotional experience.

Men want fidelity and a commitment to the relationship.  Fidelity is an absolute must. In fact, men want a woman who does not have a “roaming eye” and who can wholeheartedly commit to the relationship. Many may define commitment as fidelity plus the willingness to work on the relationship — even when the going gets tough.

Men want women who know how men need to be treated.  Many women treat men in ways that diminish their egos, making them feel inadequate. Men would rather have more praise, more acknowledgment of what they do right, more acknowledgment that they are great guys who are loved and appreciated.

So there we have a real life perspective of what men look for in a relationship now for the SL perspective:

Kurk M

I do not think that I can characterize my friendships here, close or casual, as "relationships" per se. For some time -- a couple of years, I guess -- I have avoided allowing an erotic element to enter into friendships as they tend to create expectations that usually result in a train wreck...

Friendship just seems simpler and easier to manage over time, even if the friendship seems to have some romantic quality. Most people here never get close enough to the other to really have a true friendship and that friendship is a prerequisite to anything one might call "love"...

As for what men and women want...? Or what they seek...? Well, that really depends on the individual, I think. I have met women here who only want a relationship and nothing else. There is a lot of hope in SL. And I have met women here who only wanted to find a way to fit a relationship in with a busy creative and commercial and shopping schedule...

But if I were to make a generalization about the desires of women, I would say that, in a close friendship, a woman seeks the ability to enjoy the giving and receiving of emotional intimacy and attention...

Men, on the other hand, tend to be more simple in seeking one or both of two things. First is an escape from loneliness in RL. The other is an enjoyment of virtual visceral fantasy...

Michiel S

I better say at the outset that I'm not convinced of the 'Mars v Venus' hypothesis, although it's reasonable to assert generalised gender differences in both RL and SL. (Perhaps the issue is confused in SL because so many characters  - more so female than male - are typed by people who are not of the same gender in RL.) Anyway:

1) I am not in SL looking for romance but to enjoy a variety of experiences, including sexual experiences, which are easier to have in SL than in RL. However, I am a constant friend, if not a consistent lover. 

2) A lot of women I have met in SL - but by no means all - seem to be looking for an exclusive partner. And so are a lot of the men I have met; but maybe not as many.

Anonymous 1

In a SL relationship I am looking for a stable person who has their own life together. Who knows what they want to do and have a plan to get there. Someone will also support me in my dreams as I will support them in theirs. Someone who will laugh with me, explore with me and cry with me.

As far as what Women are looking for, I feel and have seen they want someone who they can control and mold to fit what they believe and do. Someone who will be with them every possible minute they are on. And not do anything at all without making them a part of it.

T. O.

Just one observation...it is a common stereotype that guys want to f@#k around and be free and girls are the clingy ones, in my experience here in SL, the desire to get coupled up and go all exclusive comes as often, if not more so, from the guy.

What I look for: Although I have never actively "looked" for a relationship, when I've been in one, what has worked is having plenty of space, freedom to be with others however we feel like and avoiding it getting so serious as to affect RL.

Kent N

Chemistry is my initial requirement.   And I must admit a pretty face.  This is more importance than figure since most of the SL women have great bodies :)

So looks might be an initial requirement, but soon loses appeal if the woman has little or no depth. 

Education is important to me since I've an MBA.... She doesn't need an advanced degree, but having some education shows that she is intelligent and somewhat independent.

I like independence for both my partner and myself.  Clingy doesn't' get it.    Smothers.  Chemistry also includes the activities that she does in SL.  I don't want to be her only interest. She might have things about SL that she can teach me.  

In my case....relationships don't often work because of my limited time on line and my business.. 

What SL women are looking for ...

I think a woman looks for similar things to a man, such as treating with respect, listening, showing appreciation.

I don't think appearance is as important as it is to men.  SL men are notorious for not taking care of their AVI.  But women do have standards and many men don't meet them.

From what I’ve been told come ons should be in good taste and relate to a woman’s profile.  Asking for sex is a no no.

Marcel P

A woman wants to love and be loved, she needs  a good reason to have sex with a man, preferably partner or marry.

Man only needs a good  place  for that....(sex)  But to get what he wants, he is ready to compromise like partner or marry.. Some even go shop!!!!!!  And honestly I think men do what girls want, just to get them to bed, whatever it costs.

Anonymous 2

Ok...well.....I guess I'm definitely not looking for simply slex or RP or playtime in SL... in fact, I never have done that, though I know a lot of guys here are probably into simple slex and fantasy RP.

What I need most from SL is someone who I can share the time with...someone smart, witty, fun...and yes, someone who can excite me sexually and romantically.

In the case of RL females, I have a feeling most, the vast majority, are looking for stable relationships as well, and not simply flings...if they are looking at all. I know many are simply here to hang out with friends or go to dance or clubs, or be creative.

Mr. Z

What I look for in a relationship: First I look for the glint in her eyes and see if we are on the same page, verbally. A common sense of humour is essential. To have a relationship also means to spend time together, so clearly time zones and weekly online patterns have to match. Building a lasting friendship takes time, and this can be based on common interests, topics to talk about, and personal issues to share, and so on. Sometimes the common thing can be expressed intimately, but I wouldn't advocate going into a relationship "sex first". A man needs to feel appreciated, and it would be good to see this in a relationship.

What I think a woman looks for in a relationship: To me, it looks like a woman wants security, loyalty, and companionship. Having said that, some women are in dire need of being made love to and expose themselves to that need easily, dispensing with the courtship. I don't believe this is a basis for a lasting relationship, but can be fun sometimes. Women seem to also have some desire to accessorize with a companion, so a bit of grooming in terms of haircuts and clothes must be endured!"

N. S.

I look for complete love, as far as it is possible in a virtual relationship. I think the opposite sex looks for exactly the same thing.

So there we have it from a male perspective.

Apparently what women want from relationships is really quite simple.  ‘Yeah right’ I hear the men say ….

Respect. Show us through your actions that you respect our opinions, careers, interests, friends, bodies and minds. You don't have to agree with all that we say or do, but try to honour our opinions as valuable contributions. Follow the golden rule and treat us as you would like to be treated: Be honest, fair, kind, and considerate.

Sex. Yes, we love sex (or rather many of us do.) But, remember that there are four bases to cover in the bedroom, not just one. Try stopping at each base instead of being so focused on the home run—believe us, we'll thank you for it! Likewise, remember small physical touches like massages. One can never, ever, have too many shoulder rubs. And scratching our heads is pretty great, too.

Romance. It's another night on the couch with take-out and Netflix? Just because we're staying in doesn't mean the evening can't be romantic. Light a few candles and see where the night leads. Treat us like your girlfriend, even after we become your wife. Date nights, making out in the car, kissing like when we first started dating, all of the things that made us fall in love with you don't have to stop just because now there are bills to pay, a house to be cleaned, and kids that need to get bathed. Bring home flowers for no reason. We're not talking $100 bouquets of roses here.  Even the $10 bouquets from the supermarket are enough to make us smile.

Time. We understand relationships can't be all wine and roses; simply making the time to be with us and treating us like your top priority says "love" more than all the fancy gifts and lovely letters ever could. This includes helping around the house. The realities of a 21st-century relationship are that both partners probably work. If you happen to get home before we do, why not take vacuum the living room or throw in a load of laundry?  If you take the garbage out without being asked, chances are you'll be getting a big ole smooch when you come back. 

Dinner. Of the homemade variety. You may not be good at cooking and you may not know how to boil water. But greeting us at the door after a long day with fish sticks (or whatever you can rustle up) makes us swoon, because it shows that you've been thinking about us and our hectic day.

Communication. Women are vocal creatures. We know you love us, but it's nice to hear you say it, too. We can also be insecure. We wish we weren't, but the reality is that we often notice our wobbly thighs and forget about our gorgeous eyes. So let us know when you think we're hot. Tell us we're beautiful. It helps us feel good. Plus, when we feel sexy we're more likely to act sexy. Words of appreciation aren't half-bad either. Tell us you love the lasagne we made. Thank us for driving the kids to school. Notice that we cleaned the bathtub. It doesn't have to be over the top, just let us know that you see the effort we put in, and you're grateful.

Consistency. This doesn't mean be boring and predictable. It means that we know you will (usually, no one is perfect!) give us the love and support we need. Knowing that you're coming at this with the same desires and energy as we are goes a long way to making us feel secure.

Engagement. Of the mental kind, not the "I'm getting married in the morning" kind. You don't have to like everything we like (we might be a little concerned if you do), but showing interest in our passions, be it career-related, a sport or a hobby, goes a long way. Listen when we talk to you. We're not speaking just so we can hear our own voice; we want to connect with you and this is one valuable way we do this. This also means paying attention to the little things. Whether it's the name of your best friend's husband or the fact that you hate Nicolas Cage movies, it's the little things you remember about us that's so endearing.

Humour and Humility. These two tend to go hand in hand. This doesn't mean that you have to crack jokes or entertain us, but just being able to laugh at yourself is enough. Guys who take themselves too seriously bring everyone down. 

Challenge. Not the kind that makes a relationship constant work, but the good kind that surprises and motivates us to do, be or achieve what we desire. Studies show that partners who prod each other to meet goals—in other words, don't support lazy or bad habits—are ultimately happier than those who don't hold each other accountable.

Courtesy of YourTango

So now we know what us girls want in the real world (generalising of course) let’s see what we want in SL:

April

I personally over the years have changed and as such what I look for in a relationship in SL has changed too, with that said I am in a relationship and have been since May 1st 2010 we have a non-sexual relationship and I truly believe this is why we are still together after 5 years.  Most of the relationships I have seen in SL are based purely on sex and they never last for me it’s about companionship and friendship.

Kaiya M

Because I run an estate with various things going on, I see from a safe distance relationships begin, blossom and BOOM,  most of them ending pretty much  the same way... every time. The woman gets hurt and each time she’s shocked.... shocked that he could do such a thing. 

I think what happens in SL is this – I’m talking generally here, not the exception.... women fall hard, not very different to how it happens in real life, they fall hook line and sinker, love, passion, dedication, obsession, jealousy, loyalty, neediness, expectations, the full package -- whereas men, spot something spicy and decide they want a bit of that - yes, they may fall a little, and write a whole lot of stuff in their profiles but one thing overrides all, the sexiest, most desirable, most appealing part about this relationship is that cute little X at the top right hand corner of their screen - no matter what happens, he can get out, fast and easy, doesn't have to explain stuff, doesn't have to negotiate or listen to hours of "sorting stuff out" he can just click that button and he’s free all over again. He can come back in a few months, or make a new avie, or say Real life is just more important - etc etc blah blah, it’s always the same – it’s all about that sexy little X - easy way out, nothing more appealing to man than that!.

Anonymous 1

What I look for in an SL relationship is nothing less than I would expect from a real life significant other. I’m a girly girl and I like to be wined, dined and treated like a princess. I'm not into the macho man type that feel the need to act tough and puff out his chest to make sure I know he is the man. Been there done that and not taking that train again!  I prefer a man with a kind and caring heart. One who is not afraid to show his heart and be gentle. When I feel loved and cared about it is returned to him.  Remember guys "A happy wife makes a happy life"

I think what a true man wants in a SL relationship is a friend first. Couples have to be buds before they can be lovers. Adventurous, kind and considerate, Intellectual conversation and companionship. To know that they are wanted and cared about.  Keeping it drama free is important too.

Tsai C

Personally I am not looking for an SL relationship at all. I just like to live out my fantasies and do what I could not do in RL. Having men pay me for my company is part of that. It won't mean that there are no regular clients who are kind of special for me, for instance because I've known them for a long time. These may sometimes be seen as 'friends' and we may chat. That's about it.

I have met the occasional man who wants more from me. In general this causes annoyance mostly on my side, as I have no intention of being in a Second Life relationship. Never have been.

Anonymous 2

Everyone has their reasons for joining SL in the first place, and in my case it was curiosity, certainly not to form intimate relationships, those just happened along the way.  Having been in SL for some considerable time now has left me a little jaded in terms of SL relationships.  Ideally I would like someone to have scintillating conversations with, someone who would be my best friend, to go exploring with, and someone who would challenge me.  Someone to flirt with and generally just have fun and more than anything someone who just wanted to be with me. The bottom line is that it is all about chemistry, either it is there or it isn’t.

As for what I think men want from SL relationships, well it seems to me that for many of them it is all about sex any way they can get it and once you go down that route, it won’t be long before you are traded in.  Then there are those men who are just too complicated, have too many rules and who become hard work, where is the fun in that I ask you with tears in my eyes.

So there we have it, a completely mixed bag of opinions.  If you would like to add your two cents worth, we would love to hear from you.