BOTCHED ROMANCE Jessi2009 Warrol Reporting…

Second Life romances can mirror real life romances in many ways. Couples can meet, fall in love, and do many of the same activities virtually as they can in real life.

Of course not all romances end positively and just like in real life, Second Life romances can cause heartache and stress. In this article I will explore how to bounce back from bad Second Life relationships and share the stories of two Second Life avatars who recently overcame the struggles of bad relationships of their own.

I sat down to speak first with “Tyler” who had a botched Second Life romance last year. Tyler stated that he and his former Second Life girlfriend, “Emily,” had dated in Second Life for two years. Both he and Emily considered themselves to be more than just a Second Life romance. As Tyler explained, “Once you share so many details about yourself with a person, it is hard not to take the romance into real life”.  Emily and Tyler spent most of their days together in Second Life either clubbing or exploring. They had even ventured over to other virtual worlds. By year number two of the relationship, both had started making plans to take the relationship further into real life and Emily had even booked a flight to visit Tyler.

Things started changing at this point. According to Tyler, Emily became “vague” and was spending less time in Second Life. When he questioned her about the change in behavior, Emily would just attribute the change to real life and assured Tyler that they would meet in real life and be together soon. One day Tyler logged into Second Life and had received a notecard from Emily, that explained that she was not going to visit him and could not, as she was married in real life. The notecard also explained that she did care for Tyler but she could not leave her family for him.

After hearing this myself, I was somewhat shocked and asked Tyler how did he recover from this deception and how did he feel about everything. Tyler said that he felt shock, anger, and hurt. As he and Emily had made plans to go very far in real life. He also said he felt that he had wasted two years on someone, when he could have pursued a more honest relationship with someone else. I asked him if he was still in contact with Emily and he said no and that was the hardest part for him, not answering her phone calls or texts and shutting her out of his life completely. He said it took both his real life and Second Life friends and family to help him with his heart ache and to move on. His advice to anyone who has experienced what he has, is to take a break from Second Life and to reach out to friends and family in both worlds. Tyler is now in a much happier and honest relationship with his latest love, Mandy, whom he met through mutual friends in Second Life.

While meeting someone via friends in Second Life, it may seem like a sure way to protect your heart. After all, friends look out for us right?

This is not always the case. I next sat down with “Kristy” who experienced a Second Life heartbreak last year. Kristy met “Billy” from “Amber”, a friend of hers in Second Life. Amber was someone Kristy had gotten to know in real life. Kristy told me that she considered Amber to be like a sister to her and called her one, after all they had been best friends for three years.  Billy was making plans to go see Kristy in real life and even scanned his train ticket to prove to her that he was legitimate and not making things up. Around the holidays, Billy abruptly canceled his plans and told Kristy that he had met someone in real life and that they should end things. Kristy said she was surprised and shocked but respected Billy’s decision.  In Kristy’s own words, “A person should never stop someone from finding love”.  Kristy was soon shocked to see on Amber’s real life Facebook profiles, photos of Amber and Billy together. The photos were of the pair going out on what appeared to be dates and even kissing in real life.

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I once again could not believe my ears and asked Kristy how did she cope and how did she feel. Kristy said she instantly started crying and was shocked. She said she phoned up Amber in real life and was told that Amber and Billy were just friends. She was later given information that when Kristy logged off in Second Life at night, Amber and Billy were often going to clubs and had even leased a home together. A few days after seeing the real life Facebook photos, Amber and Billy partnered in Second Life, but each insisted that their partnership was just as “friends”.  Kristy said she had never felt so betrayed in either real life or Second Life. She said what made her upset the most was that neither Amber nor Billy would admit that they had lied and that they were a couple, each still insisted they were just friends, despite all of the evidence to the contrary.

Kristy, like Tyler, has also bounced back from this romantic heartbreak. She said she really found out who her friends were throughout this time, the ones who did not support her or sided with Amber and Billy, she instantly shut out and muted them. She said she considered leaving Second Life for a short time but ended up staying and has since found love with someone else. Her new boyfriend, had also been hurt in Second Life and both of them had taken their relationship very slowly. Kristy has not spoken to either Amber or Billy, but did say that Amber had tried contacting her on various alts.

Both Tyler and Amber offered advice to anyone who needs help getting over a bad Second Life romance. Tyler stated that the person should log off immediately from Second Life. “Staying in Second Life will just remind you of things you did with the person and make you upset, if you are in world and your relationship is ending, log off and do something in real life”, said Tyler.

Each also agreed that the healing process would take time and that if you have been hurt, talk to close Second Life friends and family. If your real friends and family know about the Second Life relationship, then you might want to talk to them too. Both Tyler and Amber agreed that you should not contact the other person. “Remember that this is the person who hurt you and you probably never will get the answers that you want”, said Amber.

“I made the mistake of trying to get the truth out of either Kristy or Billy, I knew deep down that neither would ever admit that they were together, but I wanted some closure. I later realized that my closure was finding the photos of them together in real life and getting the information about both of them in Second Life”, she continued.  

Lastly, both stated that eventually you will have to move on and focusing on someone who no longer cares about you is just wasting time. “I realized I had to move on and not let this setback get me down, the old saying that there are plenty of guys in the sea is 100% true”,said Amber.